Should my new partner pay towards a babysitter?

[SueTheSwan]

I think I've lost the plot. I separated last year and have a new partner who all but lives with me. Sometimes - ie today - we go out for a meal with friends. For the first time today I asked if he might contribute to the cost of the babysitter. He said resolutely NO. The children are not his responsibility. I agree and obviously when I work childcare costs are fully my responsibility. But - if we are to go out at weekends, would it not be reasonable to expect him to contribute.

If I'm being mean and asking too much of him - please say. Just keen to know what others think. We've been together now for about 6 months and although he still has his own place he hasn't spent a night there for the past three months.

Sorry I think yabu. They are not his kids. However, it does seem particularily tight of him to refuse if he is spending that much time with your dc. Surely if he hasnt been in his own place for 3 months he is actually living with you. Does he contribute to your bills, food, rent etc?

Agree - in theory, it's not his problem, it's yours.
In practice, it does sort of show a lack of commitment to you and the DCs and an "I'm all right, Jack" approach which doesn't show him in the nicest of lights. He's not seeing himself as part of the family, is he?

YABU to expect him to pay babysitting costs. If you were going out with a female friend who had no children would you expect her to pay your babysitting costs? No... of course you wouldnt.

If he is sponging off you and not contributing while he "all but lives with you" that is another thread entirely.

When I dated, particularly my ex-bf, I made it known that we might have fewer nights out than normal because being able to afford a babysitter plus my half of the meal/cinema tickets/activity was difficult on a very regular basis.

My experience has always been that often there are offers to help with babysitting, which I tend to refuse as I do feel that it is my responsibility, and say that if they really want to go out, I'll pay childcare and they can put towards the cost of the night if they like.

Personally, I feel that someone who is impacting on family finances by almost living with you, should be contributing towards their living costs, that way perhaps you can afford babysitting when it comes to nights out.

I am not sure how I would feel about his point blank refusal to pay and not look for another compromise, especially if you are being particularly good to him by putting him up without and financial recompense. I'd want to know how he sees the future evolving if things got serious.

YANBU, baby sitting is part of the cost of going out. If he wants you to go out, he should take it as part of the package.

I would struggle to be with a man, particularly one who was living in my house (does he pay?) if he can be so territorial about costs, childcare or otherwise.

Not a good start to a relationship, IMO. Does he have redeeming factors?

I think you are being totally unreasonable in expecting him to contribute directly to babysitting costs for your children, but I would hope he would be aware of the fact that you have to pay for a babysitter and would contribute in other ways like taking you out for dinner, buying the cinema tickets etc. If not then he doesn't really seem to have taken on board the fact that his partner has children and you do have to wonder if there is a future in it.

Charge hiom rent and use it to pay for the babysitter.