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Posted this in Mental Health, but they're all nasty there. Please advise

10 replies

Monadami · 23/02/2011 01:43

Hi everyone,

I wasn't sure if this was the right section, but I have a female friend who I'm quite concerned about. I've known her for almost 30 years, since school and I think not much in her life has changed since that time. I want to have an honest heart to heart with her because I think her behaviour is not normal.

My friend is almost 42, she has never had a relationship with a man and since she left University 20 years ago has never had the success she hoped for in her career, she stayed close to her family home, spending most of her time at her Parent's home, even though she has her own. She is also very overweight and has been struggling to lose weight since school, with very little success. She believes her size will prevent her from finding a man, even though I've told her any man worth knowing would want her regardless of her size.

Anyway, since I've known her she seems to have this problem where she becomes obsessed with a man who is either unavailable, unattainable or both. A few years ago she became obsessed with her sister's brother in law. This obsession lasted two years until I think he put her straight. Now for the last 2-3 years she has become obsessed with her Personal Trainer. Unfortunately he is the kind of guy who flirts with his clients, puts his arm around them and pays them compliments. she has already admitted that he's given exactly the same speel to a friend of her's who was also training with him.

I have told her numerous times, his inappropriate behaviour is obviously some kind of client retention method and although she has never made her feelings known to him, she believes she has a chance with him. He has a girlfriend whom my friend despises and she is adamant he is only with this woman because he's been manipulated by her. Today she called me, very upset to say the girlfriend has moved in with him. She cannot understand why he would be interested and I said to her, perhaps it's as simple as him being in love with her, to which she got very upset.

Her Father who she lost a year ago has told her nothing will come of a relationship between her and her Trainer and so has her sister and mother. I think we have all become exasperated with her, as every conversation with her always ends up with her talking about this guy and it's like going over old ground again and again.

I told her she needs to stop having personal training sessions with him and distance herself, but she always has a reason as to why she needs him to help her lose weight, (Even though she's lost none.) Sometimes I feel like screaming at her and telling her to pull herself together, but it's like she hears nothing.

She want's to meet someone and settle down, but can't seem to understand her behaviour over this man is holding her back. Whilst she is obsessed with him, she will never be able to move on or meet anyone else. She is in complete denial in regards to her Trainer's relationship with his girlfriend and cannot accept it's genuine.

Should I suggest to her she seek counselling? Perhaps she also hasn't come to terms with the loss of her father, so her need to feel loved has escalated. How can I advise her in a straight way, without sounding callous and hurting her feelings? Does her behaviour sound a bit strange?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 23/02/2011 01:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monadami · 23/02/2011 01:47

You are nasty Bluddy, I mean what language! keep your madness to yourself. I wanted genuine advice, not to be accused of being obsessed with her life. I can't help her and she is in turmoil, but you obviously don't get my point of view.

OP posts:
allypall · 23/02/2011 01:48

Maybe you should have posted this in AIBU
I'll repeat what I said on the other post -

bluddy mofo has it right, I think - like you said :

"Whilst she is obsessed with him, she will never be able to move on or meet anyone else"

So she is protecting herself from real life by rolling herself up in a fantasy.

I have friends that do the exact same thing, to different degrees.

Whatever most upsets her, this trainer isn't it imho. Her big dramas will be a way of getting the sympathy and comfort she wants without having to talk about something truly painful - maybe feeling like her times run out, that she isn't as smart/successful as she expected to be...

As for nastiness, you were a tad aggressive Bluddy! But then moving threads was a bit touchy...ah well!

Monadami · 23/02/2011 01:48

PS, I will repost again, so as not to send you over the edge. Many apologies.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 23/02/2011 01:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

earwicga · 23/02/2011 02:07

Are you going to post this in every topic?

Glad you aren't my 'friend'.

weegiemum · 23/02/2011 02:22

I've reported this. We're not "nasty" - I've had amazing help on MH threads over the years and will not have that section run down cos someone doesn't agree with some advice.

If this stopped someone with genuine MH issues posting on the threads I'd be heartbroken.

Nasty? Only the OP!

earwicga · 23/02/2011 02:28

Good call weegiemum.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 23/02/2011 02:34

I have no idea of the back story of this - but MH "nasty"??


BinJeeta · 23/02/2011 06:51

I think your friend will only realise the personal trainer is not interested when he tells her himself.

I know you care for your friend, but in a situation such as this, it is horrible to sit back and watch her make a fool out of herself, but unfortunately, I don't think there is much else you can do, except try to get her out of the house and doing other activities.

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