4yo step son homeless and possibly living with drug user! What do we do?

[Ihatesprouts]

Hi, first time on here so please be gentle with me!
I have a nearly 4yo stepson who lives with his mom some distance from us.
She has been evicted from her council property (2nd time in 2 yrs) and is having to live with her mom. 1st problem is that we believe her brother still lives there too, and know he has issues with alcohol and drugs. The last time they visited her family before being kicked out (couple of weeks ago), the brothers girlfriend came round drunk and tried starting a fight with stepson's mom. All very ugly, and she even said she didn't want her son around them.
We don't know what to do. The quick reaction is to contact social services, but the information we would give could really only come from us. If they find nothing worrying in the situation we could have messed up our access and this would kill my other half.

The mom in question is loving in many ways, but is ruefully inadequate in many others. She has not even got my stepson registered at a Dr's and my other half has had to sort out a school place cause she can't be bothered, but now they have moved away from the area even this has fallen through.

So sorry for the rant, but we are so worried about him and are so frustrated that we can't get any straight answers from the ex about why they've had to move again, how long it might be for, or what her plans are.

Obviously we would like him to live with us and my dd, but legally this is a non-runner.

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom to share????

Thanks :(

You can call social services and remain anonymous but the sad thing is social services and the way they handle such situations differs from borough to borough. In some instances the child could be taken into care in others they will probably do nothing. Legally you can't do anything. You could maybe persuade the mother to rent private accomodation closer to you. Most local councils have schemes to help people get into private accomodation by paying the deposit. I really can't understand how some adults deprive children of a chilhood and those who can and want to help are helpless. I hope you find a solution. Take care.

Thanks for the reply. I think moving her nearer to us could be good in many ways and perhaps we should suggest it. My one worry though, would be that she has been removed from 2 properties already, we believe because she must have not paid over her housing benefit, is she going to change? We are not in a position to pay her rent for her, she won't get a job, and her partner who lives with her (although not declared) is clearly no more responsible.
It breaks my heart thinking of our little ray of sunshine living in such uncertain circumstances and missing out on so much normality.
Thanks again xx

Sorry, I know nothing of these situations, and it sounds horrible, but why cant he legally live with you if he is at risk with his mother?

If she is unemployed her rent including council tax wil not exceed more than 20 pounds per week. If at all possible coerce her into having her rent deducted straight from her benefits to the landlord also her housing benefit payments should be made directly to her landlord. The council may never give her a property again. if they do it will be a hostel of some sort and that will just make matters worse for her and in the long run would affect the child.

Housing benefit is paid straight to the council if you occupy a council property.

I find it very hard to believe that she has been fortunate enough to be given two council properties. Then unfortunate enough to be evicted twice.

How can she have been evicted then re-housed. It just doesn't work like that
It is exceptionally hard to even be allocated one property.

Why can't he live with you?

I would be looking to get residency myself.

Does she have a plasma Tv?

Hi again,

In respose to a couple of points made...

I have very little understanding of what her housing benefit situation is. I spoke to the local council and they said that they don't own any properties, and she would be renting through some housing association and would be in receipt of housing benefit. The company they told me would have housed her said they obviously can't discuss any case, but that it would have taken months and a court case to get her out for non-payment of rent. We however are only told the day after she has moved!

I could quite honestly swing for her at times! I was (as I know many many others have been or are) a single mom for 8 years before meeting my lovely chap. Having worked full time, rented privately and done everything in my power to give my daughter a normal, stable and loving life, I just will never understand how someone supposedly with a brain and heart can be so apathetic about the raising of her son and her life in general.

We sought legal advise about a year ago regarding gaining residency, and were told that even though the situation was understandably upsetting there is no case of abuse or even significant neglect, and that even if we did have large sums of money to throw at a case it would be very very unlikely we would be granted residency.

What determines being at risk?

About the tv, probably has some nice set, but who know's I am banned from setting foot anywhere near the place! All very immature!

Thanks to you all for taking the time to reply, if nothing else it's good to get it all off my chest! :-)

How do you know the child's mother was not in private accommodation? If she was, the landlord could ask her to move for any reason. It might not be her fault. You are making a lot of guesses about this woman's life. From what you say, you made a better job of being a single parent than she has, but that doesn't mean she is not a fit parent.

As far as I know, it is not easy to get the council
to pay deposits, and not many landlords who would agree to this, indeed not many landlords accept housing benefit claimants.

Was/is your current partner paying maintenance towards the upkeep of his and the mother's child?

How long were they seperated before you got together with your partner? Just thinking if it was quick, that may be why you are not "allowed" near the mother? Also, she is entitled to her privacy. The child's Father is probably allowed to her house to collect and drop off (unless there has been significant abuse), but there isn't really any reason why you should be.

The poster that asked about the plasma tv is not being very helpful, just judgemental and making unneccesary steryotypical comments. Not sure if I spelt unneccesary correctly - hope nobody will call social services on me! No plasma tv though.

I'm sorry but the solicitors have told you that, although upsetting, the child is not at risk. You asked what determines being at risk. I do not think it would be a good idea to help you think of other "possibly the brother is on drugs type" ideas. It is not her fault the brother's girlfriend started a fight, and she sensibly said she didn't want her son around this girlfriend. For how long did she leave it to get her son into school? I mean, you said she couldn't be bothered, but surely if she is the lazy type, she would want him in school to give her a break. I have just looked again, and he is only 4, so school not legally required.

If you have concerns that the child is living with a drug user, that the mother neglects his health and right to an education, then you need to contact social services.

Reporting her will not mess up your access, so I would not worry about that.

In response to a1b2, I thank you for your comments, it is useful to get a different perspective.

To address a couple of points made, the mom has not been privately renting but has gone through a local housing association, and that (upon confiring with my other half) has come directly from her.

My partner has always paid maintenance for his son as well as providing clothing when required and having him every weekend, and holidays whenever humanly possible.

I don't find your joke about someone calling social services on you very funny or helpful, I think we have every reason to want the very best for my stepson, and to be concerned by this latest change in his circumstances. I have no desire to intrude in the mom's life in any way shape or form, and if I could wave a magic wand then she would be a good enough mom for us not to have spent the last few years worrying about the environment he is growing up in.

I do not hold the mom responsible for her family members actions, but she is accountable for the reasons she has no choice but to be living with them.

As for school, the date for applications for places at primary schools is passed, if my partner had not taken the matter into his own hands having spent months asking her to start making enquiries, by providing her with contact details etc his application for a place would never have been made.

I do understand that I may appear to be overeacting but that is the main reason I posted this thread. My partner is going to speak to social services to seek advice and we will be guided by their comments.

Thanks again.

I am sorry about that silly joke, I regretted it afterwards, and also realised afterwards that of course you have to apply for school a long time before the child starts. Some of my response, I can see now was in response to other posters, not you. It seemed the mother was being ganged up on. Ones saying they would go for residence etc, when you said you had stated that was not going to happen. It was unfair of me to post in haste. I wanted to give a different perspective, but I carried it too far with flippant remarks.

I hope this can be resolved. And I wish I could think of something helpful. The maintenance, and buying clothes, will help in a practical way, and weekend visits will help him feel loved. And you say she is loving towards him. So he feels loved by her. I just hope she can somehow overcome the practical matters and seeming apathy.