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Original poster

Have done the wrong thing

17 replies

RoyalWelsh · 07/02/2011 09:28

I know that I am in the wrong, but I have gone so far down the wrong path that I am scared of trying to make it right, if that makes sense.

Last week I had a miscarriage, I would have only been between six to eight weeks and as such I hadn't told anyone that I thought I was pregnant, not even my partner. I didn't even know myself for definite, as I have had false alarms before and didn't want to get too excited. So on Wednesday when my period came I thought "silly girl, getting your hopes up" but then it really didn't feel right, if you know what I mean? I ignored it all of Wednesday and then Thursday had a chat with a friend who suggested I see the doctor, and on Friday morning I did, who did a test and said that I had miscarried. I went home and the only people I told were the friend I spoke to previously and my personal tutor (I skipped my lecture because I felt rotten about it, more emotionally than physically, but I didn't want her to think badly of me.)

When my partner got home, and all over this weekend he could tell something was wrong but I denied it. I didn't want to tell him to begin with on the Friday because I really felt like I physically couldn't say the words. Also, we haven't been the best of friends recently for one reason or another and I was worried in case I told him and he couldn't disguise the fact that he was relieved or something.

I feel like I should tell him though. I am worried he will be angry with me for keeping it secret. I know I have been unreasonable, but am feeling a bit fragile still, so please don't flame me! I am just looking for some advice I suppose. I am feeling quite lonely now, I am about 300 miles from any family apart from partner, and any proper friends as well.

OP posts:

GelflinGirl · 07/02/2011 09:35

So sorry for your loss OP Sounds to me your making telling you partner more of a deal in your head than it needs to be (i dont mean having a MC is not a big deal btw)

Im sure he will be there for you and understand.

Hope you are ok

Original poster

RoyalWelsh · 07/02/2011 10:09

Do you know what? You are probably right. The more time I let pass before I say something the bigger the problem seems to be, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

Imnotaslimjim · 08/02/2011 17:18

So sorry to hear you are going through this alone. I agree with GG, you're making it a much bigger issue in your head. Please tell him. I think he'll be relieved to know what is wrong with you, and will support you in your grief.

Original poster

RoyalWelsh · 09/02/2011 21:45

I told him... He asked if I was sure, which I was obviously, and then he told me his mother was in ikea and did we need anything? There has been no mention or reference to it since. I don't know if that's ok :( I don't know if I'm being selfish for expecting a reaction or sympathy. I do know that it has made me feel incredibly lonely though.

OP posts:

Original poster

RoyalWelsh · 09/02/2011 22:42

Actually, scrap lonely. Up until now I've been really angry, with everyone and everything I suppose, because I don't think it's fair. I would have made a really good mum. And now I'm sad. I just spet half an hour in the shower sobbing because it really hurts :( I know I have plenty of opportunity to try again, I'm young etc etc. Is this normal? Is it ok to feel angry and sad? I feel so unsupported and irrational and downright, bone achingly sad.

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hairylights · 11/02/2011 17:39

Oh, slight I feel for you, I really do. Having miscarried myself, I know how difficult it is, how much it hurts, and that the grieving isn't just for your lost potential child, but for the loss of how you thought your life would pan out with that child.

It's ok to feel angry, sad, crazy, and you must give yourself time.

I'm so sorry you aren't getting the support you need from your partner - can you speak to your friend again, or your mum?

defineme · 11/02/2011 17:45

Firstly, I think you should have another go with your dp- unless you think it's all over between you?
Sit him down and and say exactly what you've said on here-he can't know how you feel unless you ytell him and he might assume you're relieved and think nothing of it.

Secondly, are you projecting how you feel about your life in general onto this miscarraige?

I'm not belittling miscarraige-I know what it's like, but wonder if you have more stuff to work out?

QueenStromba · 11/02/2011 17:47

I'm really sorry you've had to go through this. You should really try talking to your DP again since he might not realise how much this has affected you. It might also be the case that he isn't sure what to say to you and whether he should talk about it or not. If you still need some mumsnet support you should try posting this again in the relationships section - it's a lot busier than in here (this is the first time I've even ventured here and I'm amazed that there is stuff from Wednesday still on the front page).

SandStorm · 11/02/2011 17:48

I second what Hairy says but also, has your DP come up with the goods on the support front? His abrupt reaction might have been because of shock or surprise and he may have needed a little time to get to grips with the situation.

I've also miscarried so I know how you're feeling - angry, sad, mourning the loss of the chance to be that child's mother. I don't think that being young, plenty of opportunity to try again, etc etc makes any difference to how you feel NOW.

Let yourself feel what you feel and be selfish about it - nobody can tell you how to react and I hope you're getting some support now.

solooovely · 12/02/2011 09:13

That's a really strange response from your partner!!!!!!

What condition is you relationship in to start with?

Original poster

RoyalWelsh · 12/02/2011 17:14

Thankyou everyone for replying.

Me and DP were already going through what I'm hoping is just a rocky patch, and this hasn't really helped. Just silly little things like he hasn't come to bed before midnight for about a month, whereas I'm almost always in bed before 11. But since I told him on Monday I sort of feel like we are just housemates, not people who are supposed to love each other.

The thing is, he knows how much a child would have meant to me, he knows that for as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mother and that's why his lack of support has hurt more than perhaps it should?

I mentioned it again last night in a "remember the conversation we had on Monday? Thats why I'm sad" sort of way yesterday afternoon while he was at work. I got no reply and when I picked him up he was pretty much passively hostile in that he didn't speak to me and sat on his computer all night. I went to bed at about half ten and I don't think he came to bed till much later. It's only now that he has began to soften and talk to me, and I have made a real effort to be upbeat and pleasant. My assumption is now that I'm not allowed to mention it.

OP posts:

Original poster

RoyalWelsh · 12/02/2011 21:10

I know it's silly to be posting all this on MN, but I just feel so let down. He's still on his computer playing some silly game, although he did stop to order us both pizza, which he has eaten at his computer. I have watched rubbish tv all day, loved the dog a bit (who has somehow learnt that "come for a cuddle" means jump up on my knee and sit like a toddler while I stroke you - how unhealthy is that??) done the washing up and cleaned out three kitchen cupboards. This week I have also massively over eaten, including but not limited to five family sized bars of fruit and nut.

I am rambling aren't I?

I just, I sort of understand why he doesn't want me. I must be so unattractive to him and now I throw a miscarriage at him.

I think its over. I don't know what to do if it is though, I will have nowhere else to go and have a dog and a cat as well, so can't go into temporary halls accommodation (I'm in my last year of teacher training) it just feels like everything has gone so wrong.

OP posts:

solooovely · 13/02/2011 17:04

Sorry to hear that Slightobsession. He doesn't exactly sound like a supportive partner which is what you need right now! It doesn't seem to me (and you either) that this relationship is going to last.

Start planning what you are going to do about accomodation for the rest of the year on concentrate on finishing your course, and then one day when you do have a child it will be with someone who will be there with you supporting you through everything, not someone distant like your over half.

By the way, do you finish your course in July?

ChippingInAuntyToThomas · 13/02/2011 17:14

SlightObsession :( I'm really sorry that you had a MC and I am very, very sorry you had to go through it pretty much alone.

Your BF's treatment of you (in regard to this and in general) is horrible. He's clearly quite selfish immature.

You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you - please don't settle for a relationship like this :(

Could one of your family or friends 'foster' your cat and or dog just until you finish your degree? If not, you could ask on here and someone might know a safe way of doing that. Living in halls would be a good way of finishing your course then you will be free to move near your first placement/job.

I am sure you will be a great Mum one day, but you have plenty of time - don't stay with him because he's there...

ChippingInAuntyToThomas · 13/02/2011 17:16

Or if you are working and can afford to flat share you might be able to find somewhere you can take the cat & dog - or can he leave and you get a flatmate?

Don't let the practicality of sorting out the cat & dog stop you making this decision - there will be a way of sorting them out :)

Original poster

RoyalWelsh · 13/02/2011 22:49

Solovely - I do finish in July, or june I think. I'm looking for jobs a lot closer to family and friends which will be really nice. DP was supposed to move with me, we have lived together for the past four years now, but I'm not too sure if that's going to happen.

I'm feeling much more positive today, which is nice :) I still think it's more or less over between me and DP as he still hasn't really spoken to me, but I don't want to push for a confrontation until I am positive I can handle it, IYSWIM? the easiest thing in my mind would be for us to stay living in the same house but in separate bedrooms until I (hopefully) move away in the summer to start a new job. Neither of us could afford to move out really, so that would be the most sensible hinge to do. However, if he didn't want to I think I would push for him to leave and for me to get a lodger.

OP posts:

solooovely · 14/02/2011 14:53

That was why I was wondering when you finiah studying . . . so that you could possibley stay living together until then as you don't need all that upheaval right now.

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