Bit bleak, am I just being selfish? (sorry long)

[mentaljudge]

Hello
I'm new here but was wondering whether I'm being pathetic or selfish.

Last year DH (who is from another country) went on a holiday to meet with sister who wanted to go to another country to set up some business relationships for her new business. She didn't want to go alone and so asked DH to accompany her. I was pretty upset at the time because I didn't have a holiday last year, whereas DH had 2 (both with his sister), and when we house sat for friends by the sea he just worked claiming he couldn't take time off since we are going on a longer holiday this year (which I thought was fair enough). A few months after this his sis calls up with a request to go to a beautiful country that we have both always wanted to go to. Naturally DH had no problem taking 7 days off work to go! I told DH that I was pissed off at the time as what I really wanted was for us to spend time together. Please note this is about having family time rather than me wanting fancy holidays!

I gave up work last year and so we are only relying on DH's salary, which isn't poor but doesn't make us that well off either and we are seriously having to tighten our belts to cover various expenses this year.

Just sat down to computer - which remained open from last night. Didn't realise DH had left his gmail open (thought it was mine). We're pretty easy going with each other's mail anyway. An instant message came up, thought it was for me from SIL so read. It said 'can you send me your bank account details, can only pay in small amounts re: the holiday. sorry, hope this is ok'.

Now I feel a bit put out. The holiday was in November, DH went to help her out and paid for some of it (no idea how much, but it clearly wasnt a tenner!) I know his sister is struggling a bit financially but we are not loaded.

Would you talk to DH about this or just trust him to deal with things? I know his sister is having some finance problems but I'm not sure why we should have funded part of her trip in the first place! If I don't raise it then am I being pathetic, or am I being selfish if I raise it knowing it is likely to cause a fight? Or should I suck it up and not have a problem at all?

I don't think I'd go into the question of who paid what for the holiday. I'd focus on the bigger picture - how do you (and children?) fit into DHs life? How are time and money allocated? It sounds like you are being put further down the priority list than you are comfortable with. And I don't blame you for being unhappy about it.

How come he can find time and money to go on holiday with his sister, but not with you? I would be wanting to have a serious talk with him about where you stand, because I would have thought marriage was about being a unit, within the wider family of course, but still making each other the priority.

Thanks AMuminScotland. This is what I did at the time and in the end he saw my point of view.

I'd moved on with feeling cross about it but the money seems to have brought things back up. Since the first instant message she then went on to say she was having a holiday in a neighbouring country to where they live. But she hasn't paid us back yet. Feeling peeved!

(Yes I know I shouldn't have read second message but it bleeped at me and I was just going to respond to say it wasn't DH but me online).

Well, since you had a valid reason for seeing the messages, and she's now mentioning spending money on another holiday instead of paying you back, it would be fair to bring it up with DH and say you're still pissed off about it and her attitude to your money. Bloody cheeky having another holiday when you haven't paid back family for the loan for the previous one!