9 year old with recent separation anxiety

[aliburton]

I'm a mum of three. My eldest who is 9 1/2 has recently developed anxiety about going to school. In this area we have a 3 tier school system where they move up to middle school at the age of 9. In his first term he was fine, loved his new school, however into the second half term he started getting 'nervous knots' and feeling sick, crying because he did'nt want to go to school. I have been satisfied that he is not being bullied and he is not struggling with his school work, he has quite a few friends and is otherwise happy he says he just finds school really busy and is stressed that they have to do so much for themselves. He gets so anxious that he is sick in the street and has now started to say that he doesnt like leaving me (he cries when he sleeps over at his nans with his siblings) and now doesnt want to go to the cinema as it is too far away from us. We have come to the conclusion that he has separation anxiety but it seems uncommen at this age so there is little guidence out there. If anyone has been through anything similar could they give me any hints as to how to help him as its is upsetting to see him like this. Thanks

My son behaved like this last year at age 6 when he moved to junior school. He also never does sleepovers. The school situation improved - we talked to the teacher who was a very calm guy and the teaching assistant took a special interest to make sure he was happy at playtime etc (he often wasn't) and got my son on a special committee choosing new playground equipment that made him feel special. My son also found school too noisy and stressful and would often claim he had got hurt in the playground or felt sick - the staff were great and let him go to the sick room and called me. This didn't make him behave like this more often but actually with patience and not making a big deal out of it he improved and was fine after Easter. We also made his bedtime earlier so he would be less tired and to be honest some days when he got too upset and was clinging and crying to steps and throwing himself flat on pavements on the way to school and saying he was going to vomit -we calmly took him home and did give him the day off , he was much too upset to do anything useful at school - but we did not excite him at home - let him read books etc no TV/consoles so that it didn't seem too much of a treat but not a criticism or disciplining of him.
A friend had the same problem for most of primary school with her daughter - the school let her start later some days and finish earlier and referred her to an Edpsych
but matters have never really improved significantly and now she still hates her new secondary but is coping.
I was lucky that all the staff inc. receptionists etc were so nice at my son's school - how are the staff at yours and could you talk to them?
If you are free during the day you could consider Home educating for a while until your son is ready and wanting to return to school. I home edded my older children for many years and it was a joy, often children who had become so called "school refusers" blosssomed immediately after being given the reassurance of a home environment. I do believe school is not for everyone - it is too long a day and too many days a week for most children but being at home all day is not always an option.
I still give my son the odd day off when I can see he is a bit ground down and tiring of school and it works a treat.

Sorry not to be of much practical help - I do sympathise.Good luck

Thank you so much for your reply, you have given me some good pointers to move forward with. I am unable to home school as I sometimes have to work and I have a 3 year old at home for half the day. I'm not sure I have the temprement if the truth be told! ha.
Lower schools are very often set up so that parents can go in at the start or end of the day and have a quick word with the teacher. My sons middle school only allows initial comunication via email or telephone which in this instance is far from ideal.
I may well decide to keep him off when he gets in a real state however. I have allways been keen that they go to school unless they ae REALLY ill but maybe I need to back off a bit!?
Do you get a referal to an Edpsych via the school or the doctors, do you know?
Thanks again for your time in replying.

I'm thinking that around 9-ish children also begin to be aware of what other people think a lot more. School is a breeding ground for competition on this point - could this also be a factor?

You said he got stressed with the responsibilities of being in middle school. Could you perhaps get him a really cool diary or some sort of time management regime to make it more organised? That way instead of getting overwhelmed by the chaos of it all, he starts to focus on his folders, his colour coded timetable etc. etc.

Not sure if that helps at all?

Hi just came across your thread and am interested to know if your ds has settled and if so what techniques worked for you. I also have 3 children, my eldest (dd) is also 9 1/2 and we have been experiencing symptoms which I think are separation anxiety for almost 2 years now. We have a 3 yr old and a 7 month old too and things are def worse since birth of latest child. Last week she asked if I was leaving the village while she was at school she was worried that if she was ill I wouldn't be able to pick her up!
I have tried comforting and reassuring her. I have tried being firm, nothing seems to make any difference. I have spoken to teachers who tell me she is very confident and popular at school. She now refuses to go on sleepovers, she refuses to visit her dad (we seperated 9 yes ago) unless I go with her. My dh thinks I pamper her too much :-(

Aliburton; this is a hideous situation, we had v. similar. The advice you got on here I'd agree with. We took dd out of nasty school and 'home edded' v. feebly just to keep ticking over until getting dd into fab local primary. They gave her loads of support including letting us go to school with her, letting her go to another room when she wanted, doing 50/50 home/school etc. Basucally it amounted to us and school taking her seriously and giving her a way out to reduce the stress. She recovered after 6 months, is now absolutely fine at secondary. The key is finding aschool which will work with you and takes it seriously, not blaming you or dc for "bad" behaviour. No-one would treat an adult that strressed out as if they were skiving etc, & shouldn't with your dc. Good luck!