Would you let someone else physically restrain your child?

[lem73]

I need to hear what other people think about what happened to my 11 year old son yesterday. He was having a snowball fight in the park and it seems things got carried away. A child from the year above him slammed him on the ground. He then walked away and sat on a swing. My son came up to him and asked why he did it. The boy said 'do you want a punch?' and my son said no and walked away. Some more words were exchanged from a distance and then my son went to get his hat from the ground, as he had decided to go home. He then found the father of another boy (who had been in the snowball fight) holding him from both arms really tightly. He shouted 'get off me' but the man didn't release him until my friend shouted 'is everything ok?'.
I went to the man's house (I know who he is but he is not a friend of ours) and spoke to him. He said things had become 'silly' and my son needed to calm down. I tried to explain that if my son said he was holding him so hard it hurt, then he had clearly gone too far. He would not accept this and ended our conversation with 'I know we live in a pink fluffy world where we can't touch children'
My question when is it appropriate to physically restrain a child and how? There was no physical fight to be broken up so surely physical restraint wasn't essential. Even if my son was lunging for the other boy, surely the man (who is about 6ft by the way) could have blocked him with his arm. I think it was excessive to grab him like that when there was no actual fight and to keep holding when my son said'get off me'.
I have worked as an LSA in primary and secondary schools for several years and have never found it necessary to grab a child in this manner.
When my husband arrived home and my son explained how the man had held him and that the two boys hadn't actually had a fight, he called the police. We're expecting them to come interview my son tomorrow. I just want to get other people's perspectives on this. My friend, by the way, only saw what happened from a distance and couldn't hear what was said. My son may not be telling 100% of the story but all that happened was that the older boy had slammed my son on the ground.

However, when my husband asked why he hadn't hit the boy when he said do you want a punch, my son said 'because he plays rugby and is stronger than me'.

Your DS has more sense than your DH

I too would be cross...I would go around to the man's house.....I wouldn't bother calling the police, however. It sounds like your son may well have needed to calm down, and a full blown fist fight prevented.

So a grown up actually stepped in and prevented a fight breaking out amongst a group of kids, some of whom he knew - and he's going to get a visit from the police? Give me strength!

I presome your son's wrists weren't bruised?

I would not be happy if someone did that to my son. The man might be right that people are too scared to touch other people's children but in this case it seems that he was out of order.

In answer to your question, I would let someone else, or rather want someone else to physically restrain my child if they needed to be restrained in order to prevent them hurting themselves or someone else.

Yes I would let an adult physically restrain my child if it prevents them starting a fight.

I would be very angry with my child in this instance.

Well, if he ever sees your son being beaten up in the future, don;t be surprised if he walks on by.

I think the man was acting with the best of intentions when he held back your son. He may be biased ( as you may well be ) as the other boys father, but he stopped a fight and calmed things down. I would be talking with your som about how to resolve things himself rather than phoning the police

And in answer to your question, yes I would let someone restrain my child if it is needed

Sounds like the man prevented the incident escalating. It doesn't sound as if he was unreasonable.

Do you want to get back at the man because you didn't like his justification?

The police wouldn't take it anywhere, anyway -- the best you could hope for is restorative justice procedure, where ALL sides get to tell their story and clear the air.

DS got beaten up at the skatepark by some older boys -- the older ones were restraind eventually by yet older boys at the park. Thank heavens somebody was willing to step in and stop things from getting worse.

The adult man may have misjudged a bit, but I think he was trying to prevent further blows from being exchanged and it doesn't sound like he used disproportionate force. I would definitely drop it.

He wasn't the father of the other boy who was arguing with your ds though was he? Can't see why he'd be taking sides so would presume he was impartial.

The man was trying to stop a fight. Maybe he misjudged the situation, but his intentions were right (which you seem to accept) and your son has not been hurt other than in a very temporary way.

And you have called the police on him.

What that means is that next time your son is playing in the park without you, and it looks like he might get into a fight, nobody will intervene because they are worried that someone will react like you have. And your son could get badly beaten up.

YABVU. If someone's intentions were good, and no damage has been done, then even if they misread the situation I think you should be grateful rather than outraged.

The community police are very good at this sort of thing, they went and had a chat with my neighbors and explained to them that us parking outside their house wasn't illegal and they need to get over it. I think that's the idea of the community police to let the big police get on with the less trivial matters.

Am I missing something? Our communities need more people like this. People are so afraid to step into situations like this precisely because of this sort of ludicrous over reaction. FFS.

Good for your husband OP. The chap obviously needs it spelling out to him that this is unacceptable behaviour wrt an 11 year old. As he ignored you, then the police are the best people to do this.

Agree with kewcumber. Hate hate hate that we all go running to the police over umbrage and trivia all the time these days.

I do think that the man was right to restrain your son if he thought the situation was getting out of hand. I would not feel it was important enough to inform the police, they have far more important things to be getting on with surely. However, I would feel upset that someone else had to intervene.