Would you let someone else physically restrain your child?

[lem73]

I need to hear what other people think about what happened to my 11 year old son yesterday. He was having a snowball fight in the park and it seems things got carried away. A child from the year above him slammed him on the ground. He then walked away and sat on a swing. My son came up to him and asked why he did it. The boy said 'do you want a punch?' and my son said no and walked away. Some more words were exchanged from a distance and then my son went to get his hat from the ground, as he had decided to go home. He then found the father of another boy (who had been in the snowball fight) holding him from both arms really tightly. He shouted 'get off me' but the man didn't release him until my friend shouted 'is everything ok?'.
I went to the man's house (I know who he is but he is not a friend of ours) and spoke to him. He said things had become 'silly' and my son needed to calm down. I tried to explain that if my son said he was holding him so hard it hurt, then he had clearly gone too far. He would not accept this and ended our conversation with 'I know we live in a pink fluffy world where we can't touch children'
My question when is it appropriate to physically restrain a child and how? There was no physical fight to be broken up so surely physical restraint wasn't essential. Even if my son was lunging for the other boy, surely the man (who is about 6ft by the way) could have blocked him with his arm. I think it was excessive to grab him like that when there was no actual fight and to keep holding when my son said'get off me'.
I have worked as an LSA in primary and secondary schools for several years and have never found it necessary to grab a child in this manner.
When my husband arrived home and my son explained how the man had held him and that the two boys hadn't actually had a fight, he called the police. We're expecting them to come interview my son tomorrow. I just want to get other people's perspectives on this. My friend, by the way, only saw what happened from a distance and couldn't hear what was said. My son may not be telling 100% of the story but all that happened was that the older boy had slammed my son on the ground.

did your son relay the story to you?

is it possible he wasn't going to get his hat but was actually going to re-start a row with the lad. teh series of events doesn't tally with me tbh.

Yes, I agree that my son may not have been going to get his hat and may have been going to start a fight. However, when my husband asked why he hadn't hit the boy when he said do you want a punch, my son said 'because he plays rugby and is stronger than me'.He has a history of walking away from fights at school (backed up by all his teachers) and gets called a weakling because of it. The man didn't even try to claim the other boy was in imminent danger. He kept repeating 'things were getting silly'.
My friend saw the man holding my son and the man agrees he held him. There is no doubt about this point.
Do the police have better things to do? I think the police have lots of responsibilities to the public, not just catching drug dealers or murderers. I did try to talk to the man but he felt he was justified because 'things were getting silly'. I think he needs to understand using your hands is a last resort. When we spoke to the police on the telephone, they said the most likely outcome would be that they would visit him and explain he cannot use his hands so readily.

He was having a snowball fight in the park and it seems things got carried away.(words were probably said on both sides, a few insults tossed back and forth) A child from the year above him slammed him on the ground. He then walked away and sat on a swing. My son came up to him and asked why he did it.(your son probably went up to him to challenge him) The boy said 'do you want a punch?' and my son said no and walked away. Some more words were exchanged from a distance(more insults tossed back and forth) and then my son went to get his hat from the ground, (no, I'll bet anything he went to square up to the lad because he the lad said something to provoke him)as he had decided to go home. He then found the father of another boy (who had been in the snowball fight) holding him from both arms really tightly. (man was probably preventing a fight)He shouted 'get off me' but the man didn't release him until my friend shouted 'is everything ok?'.

does that sound a bit more likely?

you called the police on this man because he prevented your son getting a kicking from a bigger, stronger boy.

i would be thanking him TBH.

it doesn't sounnd like they wewre fighting though boo, and surely the manb should have restrained the bigger boy if thsat was the case?>

ooops sorry for typods, blame the wine [blushj]

im obv in no fit state to hel[p op sooryy

it doesn't sound like the bigger boy was the one advancing for the fight. Op says her son went to pick up his hat, which i don't believe. i reckon he went back to teh boy on teh swing. why would the man restrain the boy on the swing who wasn't moving to start it?

Frankly if my son had got a kicking from the older boy, I wouldn't have thought twice. Moreover, if he was looking for a fight, I think he would have done it when the boy said 'do you want a punch'. At this point, my son walked away (which my friend saw him do). Doesn't sound like someone dying to get into a fight. My son and the other boy are good kids and I think they would have resolved it one way or another without anyone getting too hurt. This idiot should have stayed well out of it.The strange thing about him is he has a twelve year old son (only child) and I have never seen that boy out anywhere without his father. It's like he can't let go of him. don't think this man really understands how kids interact.

You are making this more complicated than it needs be. Even if there is a need to break up a fight, an adult should use a minimal amount of force. Personally, I have stepped into fights between boys of that age without touching them. Anyway, the man himself never claimed my son was going for the other boy.

ahhh, iread ot as the ops son walked OFF to get his hat... tbf i cant see very well

tbh op, i woyld be pissed off if someone physically restrained my child unless my chils was actuallyu going mad crazy

ok. I'm just saying what i see. either way, i wouldn't be wasting police time on this.

I would be very cross with another adult restraining my child in this way but I think calling the polive in the absence of any injury (unless he develops bruising tomorrow) is as much of an over reaction.

| just want to repeat my original question, not get bogged down in details. What is an acceptable way to restrain any child, and especially someone else's child. How would you feel if a 6ft man held your 11 year old from both hands and wouldn't let go of him?

Kewcumber, I agree. My husband called them because he was upset that the man showed no repentance when I tried to discuss it with him. He didn't know what else to do and his urge was to go round himself, which may not have gone very well. To be honest, I want an admission he went too far and an apology. In his shoes, I would have done it right away.

"I want an admission he went too far and an apology" - but he doesn;t think he did so you aren;t going to get either of those.

"How would you feel if a 6ft man held your 11 year old from both hands and wouldn't let go of him?"

it all depends what was happening for the man to have done it.

"To be honest, I want an admission he went too far and an apology."

the police can't make him do that.

I wouldn't be happy and would have serious words with the man involved and his wife (possibly including threatening the police) about how in situations like the one above, he should concentrate on keeping his own kid in check. However, unless he assaulted my child and I wanted charges pressed I would not call the police.

I would prefer adults who are looking after a kid at the park to intervene when things were getting out of hand, rather than wait for a fight to break out. I imagine that by saying things were "getting a bit silly" the other father was trying to suggest that 11 year olds were getting very heated and het up and wasn't wanting to suggest that any particular child was "to blame".
Possibly was naive of him to physically restrian the child, but I don't think it was necesarily the wrong thing to do - difficult to tell without being there, and obviously I don't know your son though!
Of course your 11 year old said "let me go", and of course the parent stopped when your friend asked if everything was all right - it would signal to him (the parent) that someone else was then taking responsibility for your son; this wouldn't seem dodgy to me.