Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DS's 'friend' is a bloody little bastard!

28 replies

marge2 · 15/12/2010 11:48

I'm probably overeacting but this has really upset my DS and me too on his behalf. It sounds petty , but DS's (7) 'friend' at school has started taking the piss out of him and calling him 'freak' apparently. Yesterday he ripped up the Christmas card DS gave him after saying 'this had better have money in it'. His card to DS called him a 'banana'. DS was in a foul mood after school and when I got to the bottom of it all it turns out this was the reason - then poor DS burst into tears. He says the boys at school call him freak and call him 'chubby cheeks' (He's a lean boy so no idea why they wouldw call him this!)

Obvioulsy I want this all to stop and for DS to be happy. I'm not sure if he really is doing something to make him stand out for ridicule, or whether they do it to everyone and DS is just over sensitive.

Should I speak to the teacher? If so, I assume she will talk to the other boys and then DS is likely to be picked on even more?

Should I speak to one of the other Mums to find out of DS really is a freak according to her child? But that puts pressure on the other Mum - not her problem?

What should I do to help DS? ( I'm very tempted to go and rip the 'friend's' head off, but although it will make me feel beter it won't help DS!)

OP posts:

FranSanDisco · 15/12/2010 11:54

If this was my ds I would tell him this isn't the sort of person I'd call a friend and encourage him to have other friends. I would also speak to the teacher if ds was upset enough to cry. I have a recently turned 8 yo ds and he often tells me about 'weird' boys in his class, his word . One of them was making gorilla noises and scratching his armpit yesterday in front of ds - whatever the insult was ds didn't 'get it' and laughed it off.

Catchthewind · 15/12/2010 11:58

Speak to the teacher, make sure she knows the details and ask her to talk to your son, telling him to come to her whenever something happens with this boy.

He does sound utterly horrifying.

Poor ds.

thenightsky · 15/12/2010 11:59

speak to the teacher, yes.

Your poor little DS

allnightlong · 15/12/2010 12:04

While this child has been behaving badly calling him a bastard a 7 FFS! makes you come across as far worse.
You also need to help your child deal with such situations and not be so senstive, he's going to face all manner of things at school. You going OTT all guns blazing for mild name calling and ripping up a christmas card is going to make the situation so much worse.
Make sure the teacher knows of the situation and let her deal with it unless it esculates then step in.
If you go to the mother right now it may only make matters worse she'll get offended and it many end up with your son being even more isolated other mothers wont be encourgaging there children to play with yours etc.
Thats not to say it's fair or right but it's usually how these situations work out.

All children name call at some point, yes even your precious son will too, I hope you'll be eating humble pie then and not calling him a little bastard.

Catchthewind · 15/12/2010 12:06

But he does sound really horrible! Not his fault if he's been brought up so badly as to want to act in this way - but honestly I know VERY few 7yos who would behave so appallingly. I know a lot of 7yo boys!

thenightsky · 15/12/2010 12:07

Erm... I didnt get the impression that the OP had gone in 'all guns blazing' and calling the kid a little bastard to his face

Original poster

marge2 · 15/12/2010 12:09

I have told DS that this boy is not the sort to have as a friend, but he hasn't really got many friends. Nobody ever invites him to birthday parties or play dates, and he has noticed this. I was so happy when he palled up with this one boy, and seemed to start to get into the 'gang' a bit more but now he is turning out to be horrible to DS.

THis kids's Mum is about to have baby number 5 - so I don't know if he is having a few attention issues at home? Should I explain to DS that L may be feelig a bit worried about the new baby so give him some slack?

If it carries on after Christmas I'll have a word with the teacher. But is it really her job to sort out playground spats? The lunchtime playground ladies are pretty crap at supervising as far as I can see and things don;t seem to get passed on to them...ot they don;t do anything about it.

OP posts:

KerryMumblesFaints · 15/12/2010 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

marge2 · 15/12/2010 12:13

haha - no of course I haven;t called him a little bastard to his face although DS does seem to be picking up some bad langauge from him unfortunately. It's just how I am feeling about him in the heat of the moment.

It just upset me so much the way my poor DS thought he had finally found a friend and then dissolved into tears saying 'he really hurt my feelngs.' ( about the card)

OP posts:

Abr1de · 15/12/2010 12:15

Ah ha. Allnightlong's is the school of parenting that says that any child who objects to being bullied, hit or just treated meanly, needs to toughen up because it is their fault.

Catchthewind · 15/12/2010 12:16

Yes it's her job, and NO to the cutting slack. This behaviour is out and out bullying, whatever this kid's issues, they are not your son's to absorb.

Please don't go that route. Your son only has you to stand up for him. Do your best as his parent, to protect him.

The class teacher NEEDS to know this is going on so she can step in, sort it out, put in place measures to make sure this stops NOW and the kid with the problems gets the help he needs before he gets in real trouble with his attitude.

She may already be aware there are issues.

PLEASE go and speak to her now, before it all gets forgotten about. And tell your child to tell a teacher every time, stand up to it, walk away - anything.

Is there a nicer child you could invite round for a play, in the new year? That's helped mine to bond with someone other than the friend who was being horrid to him.

maryz · 15/12/2010 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catchthewind · 15/12/2010 12:17

Do NOT make excuses for the other kid, what message does that give?

Whatever the causes the behaviour is unacceptable, full stop. You're not doing the other child any favours hushing it up.

It's a cry for help most likely, for attention, something. He needs sorting out.

Original poster

marge2 · 15/12/2010 12:19

There are other Mums I could speak to. One has a really nice son who DS likes, but although he has been to ours twice on playdates, DS has not been invited back. ( she also has 5 kids all at primary school so spends her time running round clubs and has limited time for playdates so I can't blame her) DS has said this boy has now joined in a bit with the name calling. Would it be weird to ask her if her DS knows of any reason why 'the others' are teasing DS without saying it is her son too?

OP posts:

Catchthewind · 15/12/2010 12:21

Not weird but my guess is it won't help, however much you find out. This is happening in school, it's a school issue and they have a duty of care to all the kids.

You need to step in NOW and make sure they put a plan in place before it escalates.

Dumbledoresfairy · 15/12/2010 12:25

It is absolutely the job of the teacher to sort out "playground spats". I speak as a former primary school teacher. That is not to say that every little spat needs to be brought to the teacher's attention, and of course, children need to learn how to deal with nasty behaviour without constantly running to the teacher, but I would say this behaviour goes beyond that. Your son is upset, and the teacher needs to know this and know why. The other boy's behaviour is extremely unpleasant and I would argue he needs to be told this too. Don't worry about him taking things out on your son: a) he is doing this already and b) once the teacher is aware of his behaviour, she/he should keep an eye out for further occurences.

Oh and I agree with Kerry: anyone who behaved towards one of my children the way this boy behaved towards your son would definitely be called a bastard by me. Not to his face of course, but in the privacy of my own mind (and in the extension of my mind that is my online persona on MN).

Original poster

marge2 · 15/12/2010 12:33

Yes he does find it hard to make friends. He is very self concious. DS2 is the total opposite which makes it even harder on DS1.

There is one boy who has just joined the school who we did a reciprocal playdate with very recently. ( DS's first invitation since Reception.) I will try to encourage that friendship like mad. There was also another boy who was DSs friend but who left the school due to it's inaction against his bullying problems last year. His Mum is a good friemd of mine and we still see them regularly, though it's classed more as a 'wine date' with kids in tow rather than a playdate.

DSs teacher this year is great, but the class is notorious in the school as a horrible bunch of kids. DS2's year are delightful!

OP posts:

maryz · 15/12/2010 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adair · 15/12/2010 12:53

Well, I am for both boys tbh (bleeding heart liberal here)

but that doesn't mean you don't need to step in. Quite the opposite. The other little boy needs to learn that if he treats people like that, he won't have any friends left. And it is not fair to either of the boys to just let them work it out for themselves (IMVHO).

I'd say that your boy could try explaining that calmly 'I'm not going to play with you if you are horrible to me' and walk away (and yes, work on his self-esteem so that he can brush it off easier) but that absolutely the teacher needs to get involved too. Because the bullying does need to be stopped. And teachers (hopefully) know how to do it so it does stop and not make it worse.

Original poster

marge2 · 15/12/2010 13:02

I am not sure whether it is endemic in the whole school, but there does seem to be an issue in DS1's class. They have had a really disrupted first few years. The Rec. teacher went off 'long term sick' and never came back. Supply, supply, supply..Y1 teacher went off 'long term sick' and never came back. supply.. new teacher. Y2 was a job share. 2 teachers, but this got changed mid year as another years teacher went off on maternity leave so we had chop and change again. Y3 now - This teacher is FAB and if she can't sort out the problems then nobody can as far as I am concerned.

There are a couple of very disruptive boys, and some NASTY bitchy girls. So I know a few of the girls have had problems to. DS has no issues with the girls as far as I know.

My friend's son is very sensitive at her own admission, but he was being called names and they were giving him wedgies and shoving him over. etc

She complained to the teacher ( this is last year - never knew whcih teacher was in day to day!. Still happened, She escalated it to the Head, who said all the right things but got nasty when it was still happening and my friend kept going back to her.

I am really hoping my sons teacher will be able to fix the problem as the Head is worse than useless about this sort of thing. She takes complaints personally and get's a bit funny with people.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 15/12/2010 13:09

Talk to the teacher, I can't believe you are worrying it's not her job to sort out playground spats, of course it is!!

She acts in loco perentis, it is her job to know about these things and monitor them.

First port of call is always the class teacher, then the head.

overmydeadbody · 15/12/2010 13:12

Your son's teacher won't be able to fix the problem overnight, all she will really be able to do is monitor it, minimise situations where this boy can be horrible to your boy without an adult around, and punish the boy when he does do something horrible.

Your DS needs the security of knowing he cnan report all insidents to his teacher and she will take him seriously.

Original poster

marge2 · 15/12/2010 13:16

Right - I'm seing her Thursday after school!!!

OP posts:

Adair · 15/12/2010 13:20

Good luck x

maryz · 15/12/2010 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2