Parents - kids - being honest when a child is upset

[Wottknottandmincepies]

Found out that my DD's has been upset at school (12yrs). I have been smoking ciggies (meant to have stopped) but sometimes still smoke (two a week!!). This is upsetting her, didn't know, have spoken to her about it before, thought she was OK. Don't do it in front of her - she found a 10 pack in kitchen.

My DD's friend was worried and spoke to her mum. I have now spoken to the mum, who said she reassured her child its nothing to worry about, but also promised her child she would not to say anything to me, because that's what her child wanted.

I have only just spoken to the mum after I read her child's comments on Facbook about "DD having problems at home" and others saying I know - which turns out to be me and me smoking.

Apparently DD has been upset a few time this week, in class - cried - I'm mortified & will talk to her, now I know!

I'm thinking I don't really know this woman very well. If it was me, I would have told her, especially if I knew her child had been upset in school, so she could resolve it.

WWYD - would you as a friend (this woman is meant to be a mate) have told your mate, or have kept it quiet as your dd had asked you to.

I'm too sensitive I know

How is you being a smoker a problem at home . You need to get the comment removed from FB and tell your daughter to stop crying at school about it. You're an adult, and will smoke or not as you see fit surely. This is unreal

I honestly think that you are an adult ,only smoking a couple of cigarettes a week and your dd,maybe needs a quiet word from you about how you only smoke a minimal amount.i dont think she should be crying at school about it and certainly you having a couple of smokes does not warrant the comment about " problems at home" I also dont think that this very small problem should of been bought to the attention of the other mum through her dd.Is there something else distressing your dd that maybe she hasnt talked to you about.Two smokes a week is nothing.Now if you were an axe murderer,that would be a different kettle of fish !!

Well maybe she is upset about it as she is worried you will get cancer and die.

Facebook really is awful isn't it? Having the minutae of your life spread allover the Internet for other school mums to read

ItalianLady - that's it in a nutshell.
mummylin - true, Older dd having issues so spending more time trying to sort her out, younger dd feeling slightly emotionally neglected. Working from home, long hours, so here, but not here. axe murderer ...ummm ;)

and yes bigchris, facebook is s pile or rot, bloody thing.

Know what you mean about the other parent, you want your child to trust you, awkward for her too I suppose. Resolved now I think. And the comment has gone from her mates FB page. Was tempted to add comment - problems at home as mother is a smoking axe murderer ... be warned.

Mind you with all the horrible warnings on the packs of fags nowadays she probably thinks a single puff is enough to throw the whole family into the poorhouse as you die a horrible and painful death. Talk to her about it. Ask why it upsets her.

I think your DD is probably hormonal and simply getting emotional and so has latched on to something...anything to blame it on.

FB is a real pain and this kind of thing is why it should not be for under 16s.

"How is you being a smoker a problem at home"

Children get terribly, terribly worried about adults smoking as they are educated well about the dangers and see it as a massive threat to their parents, and their own security (ie: the potential loss of a parent).

The FB friend is being kind.

OP. Give up smoking - you can do it if it's only two fags a week! If you need to , go to a Smoking Cessation class - they really help.

I agree with hairyfairylights and maryz.

If anything unnecessary I did upset my DC that much I would stop doing it.

I find girls of 12 to be real drama queens,I do 'work' with teens (voluntary) and a lot of stuff that upsets them really is blown out of all context - had one of 'my' girls(the group of teens I support had this problem I would use it to highlight the dangers of starting habbits that are difficult to break,the cost of cigarettes and the health implications then I would have advised her to speak with you,if Id known you I may well have said something lightly to you - but certainly this isnt 'problems at home' and perhaps dd is being slightly dramatic.

But if, until now, the OP's dd's life has been "normal", without much drama up to this point, perhaps Mum smoking, and trying to keep it secret IS a "problem at home". Not all girls of this age have their minds full of boy bands, X-Factor, Strictly CD and Boots No. 7 make up!!!

My parents smoke it upset me badly as a child still does as an adult. At that age schools often given the full scary details of the dangers of smoking maybe she is worried your going to die of lung cancer?

Not smoked since. Virtual High 5 me! Oh and DD happy, plus 1st periods started 3 weeks later! Bloody hormones.
The end.