Feeling stalked

[groggymama]

I really need some help about how to handle an uncomfortable situation with my ds2's bf's mum. I have been friendly with her, but have lots of other friends at school who are mums in my ds1s year and I get on with well.

When ds2 started school I was quite friendly with her because ds2 gets on so well with her ds. They have had playdates where she's sat in my house and I've realised there is nothing in common between us AT ALL.

BUT she waits for me at the end of the road, she has got my mobile number off a party invite and texts me (I don't respond to these now), she follows me around when I'm in another playground and stands about an inch away from me when I'm clearly talking to friends. She is always there. She knows when I'm going to the shop and hangs around. She texts and rings to see if I'm walking to school. (of course I fucking am, just get on with it).

I feel so rude and awful. I can't say anything because that'd make it difficult for DS2 and she could make me out as a class A bitch if I did. I physically can't look at her. I step back and she still invades my space. WWYD? any advice please?

I can see why this is frustrating for you, but your post made me feel very sorry for this woman.

Hmm. It sounds as though she has social boundry issues. But from what you have written in your post you seem to be overreacting to this ("physically can't look at her").

You have initiated friendship with this woman, and by the sounds of it she needs friends, and now you want to dump her with no explanation, and are getting annoyed that she is hanging around intruding on your much better friends and fun busy life. You say you don't want her to make you out as "a class A bitch", but to be frank, you do seem to be being bitchy about her.

Take a step back from the situation. Take a deep breath. If you have a busy life and lots of friends, I am sure you can find it within yourself to let this (lonely? Misguided?) woman know how much of yourself you are prepared to give her, in a sensitive, kind way.

Be firm and friendly and broken record about it.

"Yes, I am going to the school but don;t wait for me because I prefer to stick to my own schedule"

"Thanks for your text, no I can't do X this afternoon sorry" (no excuses)

As for the standing too close, "don't get too close, I don't want you to get my cold" should do, repeated a few times.

And if you are standing talking to your friends and she is standing nearby, the polite thing to do is to introduce her, not roll your eyes and ignore her.

Be a grown up.

"she follows me around when I'm in another playground and stands about an inch away from me when I'm clearly talking to friends."

I think that she might possibly think that she is your friend too - you being friendly to her might just have given her that idea. How is she supposed to know that she has been judged and has not passed the "being your friend" test?

I bet if she posted on one of those "everyone is so cliquy in the playground" threads she's get loads of sympathy. And she would deserve it.

God, I feel so incredibly sad for this woman.

Can't think of anything else to add to that!

I have just been in quite a similar situation, and it stretched me to breaking point.

The constant phoning and texting to find out where I was or what I was doing, felt like criticism. "why did you park there? You should have been further away/closer to the gate/kerb." " Do you go there for your milk? It's much better here." I got to the I can't look at you stage too. It was a little bit like being married to a controlling person.

If I said I had to go for a bag of apples, she would tell me that I has bought six apples on Wednesday and then I would have to explain that I had made an apple pie. I was constantly having to explain myself and I felt awful.

What I did was try not to take responsibility for her. If we were going out for dinner, I made plans to get there without feeling that I had to make sure she had a lift. It wasn't excluding her, just not having the feeling that her happiness was my responsibility, which I definately did before. It's hard to explain

I've got a bit of a similar thing going on, and I do feel sorry for the woman in question, but at the same time, I'm having to be quite firm with her. She's another furriner like me, which is why I think she has taken to me, and sometimes I like going for a coffee with her, having a natter etc....but I did, for a while get constant texts, PMs on email "where are you?" "What are you doing?" and it started to grate. She has a little boy, who tbh, my dd doesn't get on that well with (they are 7 so starting very much to do boy things and girl things rather than blending)

I've sorted it by not answering inane texts asking me what I'm doing, by going for a coffee with her a couple of times a week (when I want to)

I think it's possible to be friends without being best friends, which (in my case) was when it started to get oppressive.

I am a bit anti-social anyway tbh, so anyone in my face irritates me.

If it was your husband who was phoning you all the time and followed you in the playground and tracked your movements, then you would be able to get help.

But it is incredibly socially awkward when it is a friend. I had to sit my two best friends at school down and tell them how I felt and how it was affecting me and I felt like such a bitch. It was such a hard thing to do. I was cracking up with the pressure and scrutiny I was under.

I am still friends with the woman who was doing this to me, but I have to make sure that she is not controlling me, or making me feel bad about myself.