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Paying h to drive child to school

11 replies

Jux · 07/10/2010 21:42

I am a little hesitant to start this as a) it is not my story, and b) I tried to start a thread on it earlier, which disappeared, and I don't know why (I haven't had a msg from mn saying it's been pulled, well, not yet). Anyway, am trying again as it is bothering me.

I have a friend, well, I know this woman through a ms group. She doesn't live near me, I don't see her socially and she is reliant on her dh to drive her to the group which he doesn't always do, and sometimes she's not fit enough to come anyway. So I know her a bit; the group is quite close knit and I feel very comfortable and supported there. It's been going on long enough that most of us have a kind of 'connection' or understanding with the others. This woman and I have that sort of relationship; there are a lot of parallels in our circumstances and lives (beyond ms), so we have an affinity.

Anyway, their ds started at secondary this year (like my dd!). He is not going to the nearest school, is crossing the border into a new county in fact and has a pretty bloody awful journey there and back, a very long day, he is constantly tired and is getting run down. So my friend says. She also says that her dh flatly refuses to drive him to school or pick him up. Her dh (the boy's father, in case that's not clear) is officially her carer and so doesn't have a 'job' (please don't get waylaid into whether being a carer is a job or not, I know it is). She doesn't drive. The dh has taken the boy to school a couple of times, very begrudgingly, when he's missed the train, and it's taken him all of 45mins for the round trip. The train+buses trip takes 1.5hrs each way, and they all have to get up at some ungodly hour in order that the boy can be ready to walk down to the station to catch his train.

The school was first choice for all 3 of them, so it's not that there was a disagreement about it and her dh is sulking.

The dh complains incessantly about how tired he is, grumbles at the boy as if it's his fault they all have to get up so early and, from what she said, has generally made the first weeks of secondary school a bit of a nightmare.

The school was first choice for all 3 of them, so it's not that there was a disagreement about it and he's sulking.

She has finally given up trying to persuade her dh that it is simply normal to drive your child to school under these circumstances. She has now said that she will pay him to take their son to school. He has agreed, and started doing so this week. Everyone's a winner. The boy is happier, everyone gets more sleep.

Except, I think there's something very strange here. I'm interested in what you all think.

OP posts:
MollieO · 07/10/2010 21:50

Poor child and your poor friend. I assume that the car he drives was provided by her Motability allowance and the petrol in the car is paid for by her disability allowance so what is the cost for her dh (even if anyone could actually think that paying your dh to take yours and his son to school was normal). Hmm

What reason has her dh given for refusing to do the drive prior to being paid to do so?

tiredlady · 07/10/2010 21:53

My God,

That man sounds like a complete arsehole.
Your poor friend and her son.

An utter twat.

DunderMifflin · 07/10/2010 21:54

he sounds awful - if the whole family doesn't have to get up so early by him driving you'd think he'd be up for it?! Hmm Sad

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ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 07/10/2010 21:54

The DH is a wanker. No real principle behind it like Oh, DS is old enough" etc. etc., because he is bribable. INfact reading back seeing trains etc. is 1.5 h each way, I am shocked. I had to do a journey like this for college when I was 16. Long physical day at college too. I broke down by Christmas.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 07/10/2010 21:56

Do you mean run down health wise? This happened to me - I got shingles at 16 Shock

Jux · 07/10/2010 22:12

Yes run down healthwise ASLD.

I find the whole relationship between her and her dh very dodgy, from what she's let slip. Mostly, none of us in the group talk a lot about our personal lives, but things come out, and we're 'wise' if you like and can pick things up as a lot of us have been there with spouses who don't understand/help/react badly to dx etc. She had to wait about for a while afterwards on Monday, so I waited with her to chat, which is when she told me all this.

I cannot think of any circumstances where her dh's behaviour could be construed as normal. None of the journey sounds very safe to me - no other kids at that school making the journey, or not on pub trans anyway. He's only 11, he's only just started using public transport so isn't used to buses or trains. At first, she did the journey with him but found it was killing her; that's why we haven't seen her at the group since school started. Almost as soon as she got home from taking him in, she'd have to start out again to collect him.

I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

So now I have a few people behind me here, is there anything I could suggest, say, do? I feel so helpless.

OP posts:
Jux · 07/10/2010 22:13

MollieO, I have no idea if it's a motability car.

OP posts:
MollieO · 07/10/2010 22:33

Doesn't matter whether it is or not. The more I think about it he just sounds emotionally abusive and controlling. I have a 3 hr round trip daily commute and I'm considerably older than 11. There is no way I'd expect my ds to be doing that kind of journey every day, not least because he will have no local friends although more because it is simply too long a day and too long travelling for that age child.

Without knowing why the father won't drive his son to school without being paid I think there isn't much you can do.

maryz · 07/10/2010 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarsaparilllla · 26/10/2010 16:43

I think the h sounds like a complete idiot, but also why was a school this far away their first choice?

Surely how the ds would get to school should've been considered before he started? I don't think it's fair to expect an 11 year old to get a 1.5hr train journey to and from school every day, that's madness.

LynetteScavo · 26/10/2010 16:51

I don't think there is anything you can do. Yes, paying your DH to take your DS to school is odd...but it seems to be a solution for this family.

Some people are just odd.

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