Can anyone help me sort my life out?

[VirtualButterfly]

OK, I realise I am the only one that can do that, but I just don't know where to start.

I'm a name changing regular as I just don't want anyone in RL to know about any of this. This isn't a moan per se, just a description of some of the things I am unhappy with and I am not sure how to change things for the better

I am so miserable and I just want to be able to feel happy.

We have no money - we have been struggling for a while and when we did a budget we were overspending by £200 a month! We've tried to look at ways we can cut back, but we are already on a very tight budget, and everything else is essential. We did not even include into the budget any luxuries such as haircuts/days out/classes for our DS etc. It all goes on mortgage/car/bills etc etc.

I am quite overweight and don't seem to be able to lose it. I have been checked out by GP and there is no medical reason, so it's obviously just factors that I can change myself. I eat quite healthily and I don't feel I eat that much. I don't get a lot of exercise, but my mum recently paid for me to join the gym, however every time I try to go in the evening, DH has some sort of a plan, which means that I don't end up getting there.

DH has a DD with his ex, and we suffer a huge amount of aggravation from her. It is sporadic, but never ending. It gets us both down, and sometimes we end up arguing about it. Constant abuse and personal attacks, as well as continually changing the arrangements so that we can never plan anything as we never know if we will have DD or not eg we booked a holiday and paid for it as we were told DD could come, then at the last minute, she was not allowed to come so we had to swallow the cost. This problem in particular is the one that upsets me the most. I feel it is also so unfair on our DS.

I have a bad back which I think is down to being overweight, so I know how I can get that one sorted. I also have gynaelogical problems which means that DH and I have an almost non existent sex life. I find this so upsetting. Penetration is so painful that it just kills the moment for both of us. I have seen the GP several times, but they do not seem to have an answer. I have also asked the gynaecologist when I went for colposcopy, and he has referred me for an ultrasound, but in the mean time it is still very difficult.

On top of all of this, I feel very isolated. I moved quite a long way away from my family and friends to be with DH, and now I rarely see them as it is a very long way to travel. I don't have a lot of friends here, and the ones that I have met are very nice people, but just not quite me. Does that make sense at all?

I know that I made the choice to move here, but I am now starting to feel resentful, as since the day I moved here my life seems to have gone downhill! I've even briefly considered leaving DH, as I am so so exhausted of the Ex's behaviour which never seems to let up. Everyone says to ignore it but it is very difficult when you have it almost constantly. I love DH to the moon and back and the last thing I want to do is leave him, or separate him from his son - but it is a thought that crossed my mind when trying to think of a way out of this nightmare.

I just feel so low, and I don't seem to have anything to look forward to. The only joy I have is spending time with my DS.

[slushy]

I can relate to quite a few of your points

1)money if you find a way let me know. We are trying to clear all cc loans in the hope we will then be financially better off.

2) Are you breastfeeding? if not I never lose weight unless I go to the gym so make two set days a week for when you go start with a hour and work your way up, Also try going on nature walks with the children.

3) No experience or suggestions sorry.

4)Sex life I see exactly where you are coming from I am also currently unable to have sex due to pain I am also incontinent. I suggest doing other things to work the passion you will both feel much better after a release.

5) try going to mother and baby group is your child is pre school if not maybe get a part time job. HTH

[VirtualButterfly]

Thanks slushy

1. Re the money we are hopefully going to talk to the bank and see if there is any way we can reduce the monthly payment on the mortgage ie change it or go to interest only. I am also going to try to do some work in the evenings, but with a toddler and trying to go the gym, and spend time with DH it is not going to be easy.
   
   
2. No not breastfeeding. I've tried to say to DH that I want to go Mon, Wed and Fri, and he is all for it, but then the evening comes and he says "Oh, just got to pop out/do something in the garage/help my dad", then he finishes it about 9.30 and says "Are you going to the gym then?" By which point it is too late. Perhaps I should get an exercise video!
   
   
3. Anyone?
   
   
4. Bless you slushy. It's not nice is it - I hope you are getting some help on this.
   
   
5. I've been going to some classes, and some nice people there, but their only interest seems to be their children. I don't want to sound nasty but they are all really boring! As a SAHM, I would like to find some friends that I can go out for a drink with and have a really good laugh with. No-one I've met so far is up for that ! Perhaps it's time I went back to work - but I just don't like the thought of leaving DS all day.

[slushy]

I know what you mean about leaving them it is hard, I hope you are feeling happier soon yes I am getting my problems sorted.

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

Is the weight really an issue for you to feel good about yourself? Of course if you are hugely overweight, then of course it would be a good idea to make adjustments, but is it really a barrier to you having a sex life with DH?

Is there a possibility of you telling DH that you have a class booked at the gym, hence have to be there at a specific time. So, a few days in advance, say, 'I have yoga booked for 7pm. Could you please be here by 6:30?' Therefore the temptation to think that you can go later so he can help out dad/neighbor/dog is well and truly thwarted.

[VirtualButterfly]

Yes the weight is a massive issue for me - but it wouldn't stop me from having sex with my DH - it's the gynae problems that are hindering that.

Great idea about the class time - I will try that.

I went to the gym last night actually and came back feeling really exhilerated (sp).

Going again tonight I think!

[FellatioNelson]

Do you know specifically what the gynae problems are? Because they are often connected to weight issues - polycystic ovarian syndrome for example. Or are you struggling to get a diagnosis with endometriosis?

[jjazz]

Am not sending you on a guilt trip but this works for me when I am fed up with my lot- spend one minute thinking about people who really have problems:
-Parents of children with cancer
-Haiti earthquake
-Pakistan flood victims
-Afgahn women living under Taliban regieme

i am not some kind of hippie but we all need to remeber this stuff to get our problems in perspective
x

[marantha]

Hi, listen you say you don't eat that much.
Are you sure that this is the case? The bag of crisps with the half pint of lager. The handful of nuts. All 'unconscious' calories.
Sometimes we eat without really knowing it- keep a food diary.

When I started to exercise, it horrified me to realise that an hour on the exercise bike burned off 1 standard bar of chocolate or thereabouts-250-odd calories.

Forget dieting and counting calories, though.
Make healthy choices and exercise regularly.

It came as a surprise to me that a nice big bowl of fruit salad and yoghurt had much less calories than chocolate and lasted longer!

[marantha]

I saw forget counting calories because it seems you don't need any more hassle.
I think just by eating more healthily and exercising a few times a week you won't go far wrong.

[pozzling]

WRT the gym, can you have a talk with your DH and make it clear that you will be going on Mon, Wed, and Fri at a set time- he is therefore on duty with your DS. Don't accept any excuses or alternate arrangements- those are your times off. Does he have any hobbies or things that he does on a regular basis?

[MrsPurple]

HI Virtual

I think you are also the lady looking for a job, which I posted about. I really feel for you, as I can identify with some of your problems.

I am also overwieght and moved to be with husband. It is so hard to make friends when you are a SAHM. The body shop parties I started doing made me quite a few friends and then when my children started school , my friendship circle suddenly gained pace. I was also like you in going to the mum s clubs and found nothing in common with most of the mums.

With respect to your gyny problems also got some of my own, poor you. There are other things you can do to get close

Your DH needs to realise how you feel and allow you time for the gym. Explain to him how it makes you feel, I sure he doesn't honestly realise (men generally don't - apologises to any men)

[AllarmBells]

Hi VB
Re your back pain - mine was sorted with McTimoney Chiropractic. It's a very gentle manipulative treatment and really sorted my lower back pain out. Well worth investigating. It costs about £40 per session but if you could just get to one, they could advise you on what to do.

If you really can't do it - here is the advice they gave me that went along with the treatment:

• don't wear heels
  
• carry a rucksack/backpack not a bag that sits on your shoulder
  
• sit with your feet flat on the floor and turn your chair in the direction you are facing. For ages my cp kept telling me I was sitting with my legs crossed because she could see my back was not aligned, took me a while to work out what I was doing - I was actually turning round in my chair slightly to watch tv and it was pushing my hips out of alignment (sounds crazy I know)
  

You could also investigate the Alexander Technique which works on similar principles, there might be a book on it.

Back pain is such a demoralising thing, hope you get it sorted.

Re the gym, perhaps you need a heart to heart with your DH to say "look, I'm really down about my weight, it's really important that I go to the gym at 7pm (or whenever)" and give him a rocket if he doesnt' stick to it. Sounds as though he isn't seeing it as important, and he should be, because it clearly is to you.

Hope things look up for you soon.

[ballstoit]

Virtual,

1.Are all the necessary expenses really necessary eg. could you cut your food bill, do you need to run a car or could you cut fuel bills by walking more, could you shop around for insurances? Probably you've already thought about these.


2. Aim to exercise every day for half an hour. So two or three times a week at the gym but on the others make sure you mow the lawn, wash the car, hoover the whole house or go for a walk with DS.

Since having DC3, who's 14 mnths, I have lost 4 stone. Basically I have started to do two school runs a day, which are about 40 minutes walking in total and I have started to think about what I eat. I used to think I didnt eat much, then a friend suggested I wrote down everything I ate for a week. WOW! I ate a lot, lot more than I realised. I have not followed a set diet but try to think before I eat. As someone said, a biscuit is less appealing when it's 20 minutes exercise!

The weight is not going to fall off easily. While you're working on it you can treat yourself kindly. Give yourself a mancure, have a long leisurely bath with teabags on your eyes. Your body grew your beautiful DS and deserves to be treated with respect .

3. The ex.My DSS's mum made my life a misery for a long time. She did similar stuff to your DH's ex, and I felt constantly on edge. Our marriage went through a very sticky patch and we went to Relate for a while. The counsellor said to oth of us, you can only change what you do. So, you cant change the way his ex behaves, but you can change the way you react to it. Make a choice that this is not going to wind you up any more. There is no benefit to you, your DH or your DS in getting wound up by the situation. So stop. This si pretty simplified ut it works for me (mostly!!)

4.Sorry, no experience, no ideas.

5. Keep getting out there, talk to anyone yu can and dont write people off just because you dont click straight away.It's hard to go from friends with whom you've got history to new people so give them a chance. Invite your friends/family from home to stay so you have something to look forward to. If you're looking for evening work anyway, think of this as a social opportunity too.

Keep posting, in my lowest moments strangers on MN have kept me going.