Been referred to social services

[Tensig]

Hi,

I'm a regular poster here but have changed my name for this post.

I'm now 11+4. I had a very difficult start to my pregnancy. DP did NOT want a baby and his mother wanted it even less (not that it's her decision at all!) I spent from 6 weeks - 10 weeks bombarded with her views, first of the pregnancy and then of me. She is by DP's admission an alcohol and was also verbally abusive. I was then basically banned from DP's family home, which previously I had been welcome at, and the family tried to convince DP that I am a scheming liar, manipulator etc.

Twice, DP promised to have this baby with me and stand by me, and twice his family convinced him it was a bad idea and he changed his mind. He felt bad, which I understand, but he said that me having the baby would ruin his life, even if I did it as a single parent.

My family aren't in London and I felt extremely alone. DP was not supportive and his entire family were against me. I became extremely upset and anxious all the time, and in the end was convinced that having an abortion was my only option.

But I felt awful about it, extremely pressured and bullied into it. I didn't want an abortion, and felt horribly guilty, and like a murderer. I'm aware many women don't feel this way and I don't judge them, but that's how I felt.

I was terrified of the abortion and so, the weekend before, took a lot of pills. Basically, it was a combination of believieng that I WAS going to have the aboriton and thinking, stupidly, that if my baby was going to die, at least I'd be there with it, and also not wanting to go through with the abortion at all. Many women will say that you can 'always say no' but when the man you love is telling you you're ruining his life, that he can't handle it, that everything will fall apart, and his family are saying they will never see the baby and that you have no place with them anymore, it is hard.

However, I told DP and he called an ambulance who I fully co-operated with. It transpired that no harm had come to the baby, and I had several 'sessions' with hospital psychiatrists. In the final session they said that basically I wasn't depressed and was totally lucid, and let me go.

Now I've had a letter from social services, saying they're concerned and have referred me to the peri-natal mental health team. I totally understand and think that actually, someone to talk to would be nice. HOWEVER I am concerned that as soon as the baby is born they'll take it away from me.

In a moment of desperation and feeling completely abandoned and alone, I did something stupid. I've had depression in the past but don't have it now, and am completely sane and not normally a danger to myself, and certainly never to others. I have stood up to DP's family (I no longer see his awful mother) and DP, and have told him that I'm keeping it, and he can stay or leave as he chooses He has responded well and we're going to try to do this together.

However, I'm aware this might not work and have also regained close contact with my family and have their full, unconditional support. If things break down with DP, I can cope alone, and am willing to. I'm now doing everything I need to be doing to prepare for the baby, and honestly feel I will be a good mother. I never wanted to hurt the baby; I felt it was already condemned and wanted to go with it.

So. I understand social services' concerns and do want to talk to them. I just can't have my baby taken away from me, after I've been through all this and am now able to keep it! Any thoughts, advice, etc?

I hope that you are right and that they are just wanting to check on you and make sure if there is anything wrong you don't slip through the net. I am surprised they have contacted you so early on in your pregnancy
I'm pleased things are better now, you sound much stronger. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

From your post you sound articulate, intelligent and now in control of what clearly was a very difficult time for you. I would talk to them (I imagine it will be worse if you avoid it) and explain. Take any notes from the hospital about you being discharged from psychiatrists and give them the reassurance they are looking for that you are a)in control and b)have support from your family and DP.

I would take a positive attitude that they care and want to make sure you are OK. There are loads of threads on here about ante-natal depression that isn't being treated (not saying you are - just that there are lots of untreated mental health issues) that this sounds like a really on-the-ball mental health team.

The lady I spoke to was very helpful - this was on the phone.

She has referred me for a mental health assessment. I have no worries about seeming rational, sane, capable etc because, to be honest, I am. I think their main worry will be what would happen if things started to go way downhill again. It's something I've thought about myself, and I now have access to private f2f counselling as well as a few helplines.

Apparently the assessment will be to see about my state of mind now and how I'm feeling. Also, they're sending me some literature about Children's Centres (Sure Start Centres) that have creches etc.

At this point they're calling it 'support' and I'm hoping, if they realise I'm no danger to the baby, it will stay that way. I do appreciate the offer of support, I'm just nervous.

I think that it's understandable that ss have concerns given that they are likely to only be aware of some of the stark facts about events rather than the full story that you have given us which I think would be very reassuring to them.
Your circumstance also seem to have changed positively since they were contacted in that you have, for now at least, secured the support of your partner but are also sure of the support of your family.

Many women think that they might terminate a pregnancy and then change their minds and also take drugs or dsh during early pregnancy. It's not ideal but it certainly happens and imo is not grounds alone to believe that a baby is at risk of significant harm once born.

Good Luck with the rest of your pregnancy .

Good advice: I do understand their involvement and think it's appropriate, I just want to handle this well.

And yes, I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I naturally feel slightly defensive but ... I understand why this is necessary and want to make things ok.

Can DP go with you to the appointment (or another family member) to support you and show them that you have that support?

I'm sure you'll be ok and they just want to make sure you'll be supported. I had a social services person round during my first PG as I have a history of severe depression, self harm etc - was in a psych unit for 6m at one point. I was devastated when they referred me, I was convinced they'd find a reason to take our (planned) baby away. I had worked hard to recover and felt like my past was ruining my future.

but all it was really was a chat. they did ask a few weird questions about how I'd bond with the baby (i.e. proof that I'd love her) but basically they were asking what I'd do if I felt depressed. I told them the truth - I knew myself well and would get myself to the GP if needed. they wrote a few days later to say they were happy and no further action, but I was also flagged up to the HV team at my request and they visited me pre-birth so I knew them. in the end, I did get PND after both my kids, and both times I got to the GP ASAP so it's never got very bad.

sorry that was really waffly but basically what I mean is, it's really not aimed at taking your baby away, they just want to check you'll be alright after a difficult time. accept any offer of help if you want it.

They didn't mention DP - it might be a thought though, if he came along for a portion of it. If not him, I'm certain my mother would be more than willing.

Thanks, MathsMadMummy, that's very reassuring. Especially the HV team, that sounds good. I would like support from them - nobody in my family has ever been in contact with SS before, but I've always seen them as the 'good' guys.

I think part of the problem this time was that I thought I would 'never' hurt myself, so it came as a complete shock when it happened. I think that now I am on my guard for any of those feelings, and know who I can go to about them. Hopefully I can make SS see that.

Although there are cases on the news SS want to keep mums with thir babies - its best for everyone...so please don't worry that they are going to take your baby away.

from your OP, it sounds like it'd be a good idea to have things in place if your DP decides to leave - and tell SS of this maybe? I hope, though, that he'll come round to the notion of fatherhood - and that his mum leaves you the hell alone!

I do have things in place - DP is a lovely guy but very ... scared and panicky.

I've been in touch with Gingerbread who are great and have advised me on housing, finances etc, and have also been in touch with CAB and got their advice about various things, mostly to do with finance and support groups.

Ok, I feel slightly better about all this.

No no no don't panic. It doesn't sound like you would come anywhere near the thresholds for going for removal. Has the SW told you if they will be carrying out a 'pre-birth assessment'? If so, that will be a piece of work around your mental and emotional health, providing as much support as possible, and making sure you have the tools to care safely for your baby. They may decide to hold a child protection conference but not necessarily. At the CP conference they would decide 1- whether or not to have a CP plan (formerly CP register) and 2- if that plan included removal of the child. Even if it did they would have to go to court and convince the magistrate that they should. So you see there are lots of steps to go through before it gets to removal - and you aren't anywhere near that stage and unlikely to be!

p.s. his mother no longer has the option of bullying me. I realise now that she was deliberately trying to make me feel stupid and incompetent and alone, and right now I don't want to hear what she has to say.

It woudl be great if your mother would go along with you. they will want to see that you have plenty family support for after the baby is born. Its a stressful time for any new mum and it sounds like your DP is pretty unreliable .

Your mum can talk about how she and the rest of your family are going to help you in practical ways. eg will you stay at hers after the birth, will she babysit once a week or look after the baby one afteroon a week while you go shopping etc

This is assuming that your mum is " normal" and will not do/say anything daft in front of SS!!!!!!!

You should also say you are willing to go along to any support groups etc that your health visitor or clinic might run. these are usually open to all new mums and you will probably meet new friends there too

Do you have a good relationhip with your GP? If so you shoudl mention this too

i knwo you are hoping that this incident was just a " one off" but they will be worried that you might get post natal depression and keen that you will get support and help quickly if you do and not let things get so bad again

just saying " oh I'm sure I will be ok / it wont happen again" will not reassure them. They will think you are in denial about the seriousness of what happened

HTH

Hi, EricNorthmandmistress. No, they haven't said anything about a pre-birth assessment. I think at this point they just want to see what my mental health is like.

I had no idea there were so many staged - that's very reassuring.

That said, I would like some support with things, because this was all unplanned and there are lots of things I'm aware would be easier with support. I'm just scrared that 'support' might come to mean me feeling constantly controlled and monitored.

Kristina, those are good points. My mum is completely 'normal' and very nice. Should I have the baby without DP I will probably move back to the family home for a while.

I am also willing to go along to support groups: I really want to, actually. None of my friends are pregnant and I want to talk to other mothers/pregnant women.

I don't have a GP in London yet, actually, as I go back to my hometown regularly, but have set up a meeting with a GP five minutes from my house. My previous GP would be willing to speak for me though.

In terms of hoping the incident was a one off ... I do see that words are cheap, etc. Having had depression in the past I used to be very good at managing my moods and asking for help when I needed it. But I haven't been depressed for some time and things got so bad so fast, so unexpectadely, that it took me by surprise.

I feel though that being a regular member of a dedicated support group, having a good midwife and having a counselling service I can talk to at short notice would be a more positive step than being monitored by people who are suspicious of me, at the expense of those other opportunities. I just want them to see that what I need is 'support' in it's genuine sense.

I would take all the support you can. Good support can prevent mental health problems developing.

Social services aren't just there to take away babies from abusive homes. They actually want to help people. For example if you need to apply for benefits or help with housing. Prehaps they are concerned (not without justification) that your DP is abusive.

Tensig, I wouldn't take your DP with you. It's entirely possible SS see him as the weak link in this chain. After all, he's the one who's been vacillating. You need to show them you're strong enough to cope on your own if necessary

" Should I have the baby without DP I will probably move back to the family home for a while."

def worth telling SS that, and your mum can back you up, say they are willing to have you etc

" I don't have a GP in London yet, actually, as I go back to my hometown regularly, but have set up a meeting with a GP five minutes from my house. My previous GP would be willing to speak for me though."

Its more that you need a local GP, so you can see someone quickly if you feel you are getting down again. please find one you feel confortable talking to.

"I feel though that being a regular member of a dedicated support group, having a good midwife and having a counselling service I can talk to at short notice would be a more positive step than being monitored by people who are suspicious of me, at the expense of those other opportunities. I just want them to see that what I need is 'support' in it's genuine sense."

i completely understand. FWIW i think your dislike of being " monitored" is completely normal. HOWEVER SS wont see it as normal. They will see it as suspicious, you are being evasive and have something to hide. The worst thing you can do with SS is not neglect or abuse your child. Its to disagree with them, which is called " being unco-operative". They are not the kind of people you want to piss off.

they have no experience of dealing with normal people, so they belive that any " good" parent would welcome their intervention. They don't see themselves as suspicious and can't understand why you should " unless you have soemthing to hide".

They believe that they do offer genuine support.

i would strongly recommend that you go along with everything they suggest, even if you think its really stupid or over the top.Do NOT imply that your own support is better.

You asked WWYD and that my advice to you. i realise that it will annoy many on this thread, but its my opinion

Thanks for the advice guys, it's really useful.

Not sure about taking DP with me now. TBH (and I say this with love) he is very intelligent and articulate, but doesn't give off a 'coping' vibe. I think I'd do better without him there.

Thanks, KristinaM, that's really interesting. So far I have said yes to everything they've suggested (only an assessment and a referral to a Sure Start centre to be fair) but if they had started suggesting stupid things, I would have started asking questions. I guess I'll just have to take what they give me and smile about it.

It's difficult, as if I heard my own story I'd see exactly why SS are getting involved, and I do understand it. But I don't want to be treated as if I'm a danger to the child. I do want support, as I'm sure many mothers do, but I don't want to be controlled. I suppose I gave up the right to be completely autonomous when I made a silly decision, though, and now I have to live with it.

Thanks for all your advice! I do feel more prepared now.