Page 2 | AMA with author Hadley Freeman - Tuesday 23rd

NicolaDMumsnet · 2023-05-22T16:17:24+00:00

Hello, We’re pleased to announce that author Hadley Freeman will be doing an AMA *tomorrow evening (Tuesday 23rd)* in the wake of [[https://www.amazon.co.uk/Good-Girls-story-study-anorexia/dp/0008322678?&linkCode=ll1&tag=hadleyfreemanama-21 her latest book]] 'Good Girls: A Story and Study of Anorexia'. Good Girls is a searing and powerful memoir about mental ill health and her experience with anorexia. Hadley is a columnist and writer for the Sunday Times, and was previously a staff writer for The Guardian since 2000, where she won several journalism awards. She is the author of several books including House of Glass, a Sunday Times bestseller. *The AMA is now open for questions .* Please do post your questions below. Thanks, MNHQ.

LemonjeIly · 23/05/2023 18:30

I'm a big fan and have been since your fashion days. My sister and I also talk in 80's movie quotes
I would like to ask if you have lost any friends because of your position on sex and gender? I have and I have found it so hard to make peace with it. Do you have any words of advice?

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 18:32

SwattyPie · 23/05/2023 18:22

I haven't read your book yet, (sorry, just ordered it today), but I am the mum tona teenage girl recovering from anorexia. We're about 8 months in and she is trying hard, but we've just returned from a camhs appt and although they don't discuss weight, they are happy for her to go 2 weeks before they see her again. Her mood has plummeted - what can I say that won't make it worse? We both know she must have gained something this week 🤞🏻

Hi @SwattyPie , that's so great that your daughter is in recovery. I would say that instead of focusing on what you can say, think of fun things you can plan to do with her to show her how much life has to offer her outside of the anorexia. It could be a mum and daughter day at the spa, a trip to see her favourite artist at a museum, a daytrip to the sea. I know these sound all really basic, but something gentle and fun that's not based around food and weight. Show her how wide the world is outside her sick confines.

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 18:35

puffinstealer · 23/05/2023 18:22

Thank you for all your wonderful writing and also for being so brave in current times. You were always the best thing about the Guardian and I will not be the only person who cancelled their subscription when you left.

A more lighthearted one from me - what book do you wish you had written?

And what are you reading at the moment?

Ah thank you so much @puffinstealer
I don't know if I wish I'd written any book, because that would then take the pleasure away from reading it. Maybe Heartburn by Nora Ephron? But a world without the existence Ephron is not a world in which I want to live

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ArseMenagerie · 23/05/2023 18:35

Do you feel disappointed by Guardian ex-colleagues? They seem to have lost their way regarding the Sex and Gender debate. I have been a lifelong Guardian reader and I now pay for The Times as I can't handle the fact that it seems as if the grown-ups left the building at The Guardian.

SuperSonicAyeAye · 23/05/2023 18:36

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Clymene · 23/05/2023 18:37

Hi Hadley

I haven't read your book yet but I have read the long extract. I must confess as the sister of an anorexic, that may be enough for me!

I wondered how you and your family now deal with that period? It feels like a dirty secret in my family and I never talk about it with my sister (even though we're close and it's now decades later). It feels like she's too fragile.

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 18:37

LemonjeIly · 23/05/2023 18:30

I'm a big fan and have been since your fashion days. My sister and I also talk in 80's movie quotes
I would like to ask if you have lost any friends because of your position on sex and gender? I have and I have found it so hard to make peace with it. Do you have any words of advice?

Thank you @LemonjeIly !
Yes, I definitely have, and that has been very hard. But I've also gained a lot of friends, too, such as Julie Bindel, Kathleen Stock and so on. So it's sad, but it also balances out, is the brutal answer, and I wouldn't trade the smart, tough, funny women I've met through all this for anything.

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AsphaltGirl · 23/05/2023 18:38

Hi Hadley. Thanks for doing this. As a gender-critical Jewish mum in my early 40s with a long history of eating disorders, I have read and related very closely to both House of Glass and Good Girls, as well as your fantastic book on 80s films

I just wanted to say two things re. Good Girls. Firstly do you think that you might have oversimplified the distinction between bulimics and anorexics? I've been both, and have surfed the line between the two on many occasions, as have many others. I think the idea that bulimics just want to look 'toned and slim' while anorexics want to look 'sick and skeletal' is oversimplified and not really correct. I've been bulimic and skeletal, and wanted to be that way - I'm sure lots of others have too.

Secondly, I found it a bit upsetting the idea that becoming a mum solved your ED. I know you say explicitly that you're not presenting that as the case, but in reality, I think it does read that way. For me (my kids are now pre-teens) it was not the magic bullet, and the ED came back with a vengeance once I was no longer breastfeeding. As did the drug/alcohol use that often goes along with it. I know you are only telling your own personal story, but has anyone else made this point to you - that it does slightly suggest that if you DO carry on having an ED or substance abuse issues after becoming a mum, that you are a failure or a less loving/caring mother than someone who doesn't?

These are genuine questions - not (attempted) gotchas. I just wanted to give you my honest opinion after reading.

ArseMenagerie · 23/05/2023 18:38

I have a daughter with ASD. She is very controlled about eating and if there was such a thing as a warning sign for anorexia I believe I am being shown one. I don't want to get this wrong but she's only 9... in retrospect do you think anything might have helped you before the illness took hold?
Sending you my very highest regards - you are a wonderful writer.

twotruthsandalie · 23/05/2023 18:40

No questions, I am just here to fangirl.

Thank you so much, Hadley, for everything you do.

One of my enduring lockdown memories is listening to House of Glass on audible. So wonderfully written. Made me cry.

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 18:41

Clymene · 23/05/2023 18:37

Hi Hadley

I haven't read your book yet but I have read the long extract. I must confess as the sister of an anorexic, that may be enough for me!

I wondered how you and your family now deal with that period? It feels like a dirty secret in my family and I never talk about it with my sister (even though we're close and it's now decades later). It feels like she's too fragile.

Hi @Clymene I totally understand. Have you tried talking to your sister about it? I understand that you might feel scared of triggering or upsetting her, but if your parents aren't talking about it, she may feel very lonely and guilty and desperate to talk about it with you. I'm sure you can think of a gentle way to broach it. You will both have different perspectives on that period of your family life and it will probably help to share them

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 18:49

AsphaltGirl · 23/05/2023 18:38

Hi Hadley. Thanks for doing this. As a gender-critical Jewish mum in my early 40s with a long history of eating disorders, I have read and related very closely to both House of Glass and Good Girls, as well as your fantastic book on 80s films

I just wanted to say two things re. Good Girls. Firstly do you think that you might have oversimplified the distinction between bulimics and anorexics? I've been both, and have surfed the line between the two on many occasions, as have many others. I think the idea that bulimics just want to look 'toned and slim' while anorexics want to look 'sick and skeletal' is oversimplified and not really correct. I've been bulimic and skeletal, and wanted to be that way - I'm sure lots of others have too.

Secondly, I found it a bit upsetting the idea that becoming a mum solved your ED. I know you say explicitly that you're not presenting that as the case, but in reality, I think it does read that way. For me (my kids are now pre-teens) it was not the magic bullet, and the ED came back with a vengeance once I was no longer breastfeeding. As did the drug/alcohol use that often goes along with it. I know you are only telling your own personal story, but has anyone else made this point to you - that it does slightly suggest that if you DO carry on having an ED or substance abuse issues after becoming a mum, that you are a failure or a less loving/caring mother than someone who doesn't?

These are genuine questions - not (attempted) gotchas. I just wanted to give you my honest opinion after reading.

Hi @AsphaltGirl thanks so much for that.
No, no one's raised those points before but I see what you're saying. There's no doubt there can be some blurriness between bulimia and anorexia and I think I say in the book I know women who have been both - Amanda, who I talk to in one of the chapters, for example. I don't think it's me who made that distinction in the book between bulimics wanting to be slim and anorexics wanting to be skeletal - it was Professor Hubert Lacey, who was based at St George's and has worked in eating disorders for a long time. But any attempt to distinguish between the two disorders will inevitably rely on some simplification.
As to your next point, it's always hard when reading a memoir to not take the person's story personally, I think. Just because I didn't do something that you did, does not mean I am saying that I'm a winner and you're not. Far from it. I knew when I was writing the book that ending with me having my children might read as me saying becoming a mother is a cure for anorexia, which is why I specifically say it's not, and it's also why the first former patient I interview in the book is Alison, whose anorexia returned after she had kids and was in treatment when I interviewed her. It's also why I took care to include the interview with Amanda, whose difficulties with addiction came after she had her children. And they are all wonderful, caring mothers. Just because my path is different from your path does not mean I think your path is wrong x

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BloodyHellKen · 23/05/2023 18:50

Dear Hadley,

I don't have a question but I wanted to say thank you for your on-going support for women's and children's rights and more personally for the article in The Times about your own battle with anorexia. I found it a very moving and insightful read.

My young teenage daughter unfortunately developed anorexia as a result of bullying/anxiety and was for a while in a very, very dark place.

Fortunately for her (and us) she managed to overcome it thanks to shear hard work and determination, therapy and a change of school.

I'm too long in the tooth to pat myself on the back and think that's it now, she's better as she still struggles with everyday anxiety, but reading your experience and how you and others did overcome your eating disorders was wonderful.

Thank you you are a credit to your profession x

Fanamarama · 23/05/2023 18:52

Hi Hadley, I'm a big fan. Thanks for being such an honest and brave writer.

I wondered if you had any advice re being close friends with someone with anorexia and maintaining boundaries. My daughter's best friend has anorexia- they're both 14- and I've been trying to help my daughter in supporting her friend without harming her own mental health. She's been finding it very hard to be supportive without tipping into feeling that she's responsible for her friend's well-being and that it's her job to make sure she's eating etc. Any guidance you could give would be very welcome.

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 18:54

ArseMenagerie · 23/05/2023 18:38

I have a daughter with ASD. She is very controlled about eating and if there was such a thing as a warning sign for anorexia I believe I am being shown one. I don't want to get this wrong but she's only 9... in retrospect do you think anything might have helped you before the illness took hold?
Sending you my very highest regards - you are a wonderful writer.

Thank you very much @ArseMenagerie
Yes, there is a certain degree of crossover between ASD and anorexia, as you rightly say. Is your she under any kind of specialist medical supervision already?
It depends on the severity of your daughter's ASD, of course, but anything that can help her learn that a girl's body and physical appearance is not the most important thing about her. Encourage her other interests - reading, science, film-making, whatever - so that she finds pleasure and validation in things that rely on her intelligence and talent. And this may be counterintuitive, but a cooking course might be an idea, too, teaching her that food is a pleasure, not a nauseating fear.
I hope this helps x

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AsphaltGirl · 23/05/2023 18:56

Thanks for taking the time to respond @HadleyF

I did note and appreciate your writing about Amanda, as well as about your other former co-patients, regardless of whether their stories ended happily or not.

While I struggled a bit with those two specific points, I think the book is generally brilliant and have been recommending it to many people.

And I am grateful to you for representing people like us (middle aged women, feminist Jews, 80s film fanatics) in the public sphere.

Keep on keeping on x

Cherryblossoms85 · 23/05/2023 18:57

What do you think it will take for material reality to reassert itself? I keep thinking we're there, and then I read something depressing like "the choir is mainly cis men but all welcome" which is depressing because I thought we have been trying to do away with putting people in boxes, and now we're even put in boxes at work stating our pronouns. What can do done to stop it (other than obviously refusing to state meaningless pronouns)?

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 18:58

Fanamarama · 23/05/2023 18:52

Hi Hadley, I'm a big fan. Thanks for being such an honest and brave writer.

I wondered if you had any advice re being close friends with someone with anorexia and maintaining boundaries. My daughter's best friend has anorexia- they're both 14- and I've been trying to help my daughter in supporting her friend without harming her own mental health. She's been finding it very hard to be supportive without tipping into feeling that she's responsible for her friend's well-being and that it's her job to make sure she's eating etc. Any guidance you could give would be very welcome.

Thanks so much @Fanamarama
That is a very hard situation for your daughter - my sympathies to her. My personal recommendation, to be honest, would be for her to take a step back. This is a bigger problem than most adults can handle, let alone a 14yr old girl. My best friend at school pulled away from me when I got ill, and it hurt, but it was also the right thing. I was on such a different track from her and it was too confusing and too upsetting for her to be around me. Your daughter needs to know her friend's health is not her responsibility, and the best thing she can do for her is to persuade her to seek professional help

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 19:02

ArseMenagerie · 23/05/2023 18:35

Do you feel disappointed by Guardian ex-colleagues? They seem to have lost their way regarding the Sex and Gender debate. I have been a lifelong Guardian reader and I now pay for The Times as I can't handle the fact that it seems as if the grown-ups left the building at The Guardian.

Hello again @ArseMenagerie
Well, I still have many friends from The Guardian who I see regularly - Amelia Gentleman, Jonathan Freedland, Marina Hyde, and so on. So I haven't broken away from the paper entirely! But no, I don't feel disappointed. I accept that other people have different perspectives from me due to their own personal experiences. But I'm very happy at The Sunday Times, so all's well etc etc

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XXXMangoLassiXXX · 23/05/2023 19:04

LOVE Hadley! 👏💛

Mnusernc · 23/05/2023 19:04

Hi Hadley, thank you for being such a legend.

Please can you talk some sense into Keir Starmer? Or at the very least, Jess Phillips?

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 19:05

Cherryblossoms85 · 23/05/2023 18:57

What do you think it will take for material reality to reassert itself? I keep thinking we're there, and then I read something depressing like "the choir is mainly cis men but all welcome" which is depressing because I thought we have been trying to do away with putting people in boxes, and now we're even put in boxes at work stating our pronouns. What can do done to stop it (other than obviously refusing to state meaningless pronouns)?

I don't think it's realistic to think that we'll get to a place soon where gender ideology plays no part in the modern world. But as long as women are allowed to define themselves, women's sports, refuges and prisons are safe and fair and children aren't undergoing unnecessary and life-changing medical treatments because they don't conform to gender stereotypes, I'll be happy.

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hystericaluterus · 23/05/2023 19:06

I just wanted to tell you that you are my favourite journalist ever. The breadth of topics you can be insightful, witty and wise about is astonishing. We have children of similar ages. When I had my miscarriage, in the fog of mourning, I remembered what you wrote about your own miscarriage. I found and reread the article. I wanted to thank you for the fact that you wrote about it and, more importantly, for how you wrote about it. It really helped me.

Fanamarama · 23/05/2023 19:07

Thank you for that very kind reply.

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HadleyF · 23/05/2023 19:07

hystericaluterus · 23/05/2023 19:06

I just wanted to tell you that you are my favourite journalist ever. The breadth of topics you can be insightful, witty and wise about is astonishing. We have children of similar ages. When I had my miscarriage, in the fog of mourning, I remembered what you wrote about your own miscarriage. I found and reread the article. I wanted to thank you for the fact that you wrote about it and, more importantly, for how you wrote about it. It really helped me.

That is so incredibly kind of you, thank you x

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