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AMA

My mother abandoned me and my sister when we were 3 and 7 - AMA.

26 replies

warmsmell · 27/05/2026 07:20

As child abandonment has been a topic of conversation recently on here and in the news I just wanted to give a bit of insight into the child's point of view so go ahead and ask me anything.

OP posts:
makemineadecaf · 27/05/2026 07:21

Who raised you?
When did you learn the truth?
Have you wanted to make any attempt to reconnect?

CatherinedeBourgh · 27/05/2026 07:23

What were the circumstances? Were you 3 or 7? What can you remember from before?

Ohfudgeoff · 27/05/2026 07:24

Did she say goodbye? Do you know why she did it?

OrsolaRosso · 27/05/2026 07:24

I'm so sorry this happened to you 💐

What effect has this had on your and your sister's lives? How old are you now?

ThejoyofNC · 27/05/2026 07:27

So sorry this happened to you.

We're you and your sibling able to stay with your biological family?

warmsmell · 27/05/2026 07:31

Thank you for your interest. Fortunately for us we were abandoned at a hospital.

I was 7 and my sister was 3. We lived in London at the time and used to have a fair few appointments at a hospital there. She told us we were going for an appointment which wasn't unusual but she was crying as she walked us there, which was unusual.

When we arrived at the entrance to A and E, my mum put an envelope in my hand. She told me to sit with my sister there and wait for 5 minutes and then find a nurse and give the envelope to her.

I walked through to A and E but I didn't wait for 5 minutes lol I was dying to know what the note was so I just gave it to the first nurse I saw, before we sat down.

Well, I've never seen such restrained panic in a professionals face. She read the note (I've never known what it said) and shouted NO quite loudly, panicked a bit then grabbed a colleague and showed her the note. Then one of them ran outside, presumably to see if she could find my mum but it was a busy hospital and she wouldn't have known what my mum looked like anyway.

Then they quickly ushered us into a side room.

OP posts:
warmsmell · 27/05/2026 07:37

I'm trying to tell the story in chronological order so I hope my brain remembers correctly as this was 54 years ago but I do remember it clear as day.

In the side room a few staff came to talk to us and then they admitted us to a room. We shared a side room. They did the usual tests on us, presumably the same tests as they did to everyone who was admitted but I wonder now if they were looking for any signs of abuse (there weren't any as we weren't physically or sexually abused).

I remember staying there a few days and then we were in the playroom one day and my mum came in I thought in my childs brain that she would be happy but she started crying again and the nurse took her out.

The staff were so kind.

After about 5 days we were transferred to a kind of childrens hospital/school in Malborough, Wiltshire, which isn't there any more so I can't ask them for records.

My parents came to visit us every Sunday and we were there for about 6 weeks and then they took us home.

My parents got divorced soon after.

I can only imagine my mother was stressed/unhappy/having a breakdown.

I tried talking to her about it as an adult but she wouldn't talk about it except to say that she was struggling to cope with both of us.

OP posts:
Glowingup · 27/05/2026 07:38

Have you had any contact with your mum since and do you know if she is alive? The description of the note and the nurse reaction makes me think it said she was going to commit suicide.

warmsmell · 27/05/2026 07:41

Glowingup · 27/05/2026 07:38

Have you had any contact with your mum since and do you know if she is alive? The description of the note and the nurse reaction makes me think it said she was going to commit suicide.

Yes, as an adult looking back I think it probably was a suicide note. What else could it be?

Now, I feel grateful that she abandoned us in a safe place. Maybe she thought it was the only way she could get the attention she needed. She was very young when she had me - she was 16 and they quickly got married, my dad was 18 - so she probably WAS struggling.

OP posts:
Glowingup · 27/05/2026 07:41

Ah, the update puts a slightly different spin on things from what I thought. So you went to this school/residential placement and your mum (and dad) then visited you and then you came home again? Yes that does sound like your mum had a nervous breakdown. Was your dad not able to care for you and your sister? Was she still living with your dad when you were in the children’s home?

Foraor · 27/05/2026 07:43

Glowingup · 27/05/2026 07:41

Ah, the update puts a slightly different spin on things from what I thought. So you went to this school/residential placement and your mum (and dad) then visited you and then you came home again? Yes that does sound like your mum had a nervous breakdown. Was your dad not able to care for you and your sister? Was she still living with your dad when you were in the children’s home?

Yes, I thought your title suggested she’d abandoned you permanently.

warmsmell · 27/05/2026 07:43

I hope I've answered everyones questions, I've tried to even though I haven't tagged everyone individually.

I wouldn't say it has affected me. I think I was old enough to be sympathetic towards my mother even if I didn't understand why she did it. As an adult now, I think that I do understand but like I said, she would never discuss it.

OP posts:
warmsmell · 27/05/2026 07:46

Glowingup · 27/05/2026 07:41

Ah, the update puts a slightly different spin on things from what I thought. So you went to this school/residential placement and your mum (and dad) then visited you and then you came home again? Yes that does sound like your mum had a nervous breakdown. Was your dad not able to care for you and your sister? Was she still living with your dad when you were in the children’s home?

Thats a very good question. I wonder why my dad didn't take care of us. I can't ask now as he's dead but he wouldn't have known what she was going to do and maybe then he was just focussing on my mum.

I know that they didn't have a car or any money so my dad used to hitchhike down to see us. I don't know if he did that when he was with my mum though.

OP posts:
Tusktusk · 27/05/2026 07:48

Does your little sister have any memory of what happened?

warmsmell · 27/05/2026 07:51

Tusktusk · 27/05/2026 07:48

Does your little sister have any memory of what happened?

She says she has no memory of it at all.

I've name changed just in case though as she is on here and other family members are too.

OP posts:
okright · 27/05/2026 07:53

💐

Stoneycold12 · 27/05/2026 07:54

I'm so glad you were reunited with your parents. Your poor mum, must have been so traumatic for her, sounds like a complete breakdown, but she made sure you were somewhere safe.

Did you or your sister have problems with anxiety or poor relationships going into adulthood?

Glowingup · 27/05/2026 07:58

warmsmell · 27/05/2026 07:46

Thats a very good question. I wonder why my dad didn't take care of us. I can't ask now as he's dead but he wouldn't have known what she was going to do and maybe then he was just focussing on my mum.

I know that they didn't have a car or any money so my dad used to hitchhike down to see us. I don't know if he did that when he was with my mum though.

Yes I imagine he had to focus on your mum and make sure she was cared for. Maybe she was under psychiatric care as well. It sounds traumatic for everyone involved and I’m glad you and your sister came back to your parents.

warmsmell · 27/05/2026 08:01

Stoneycold12 · 27/05/2026 07:54

I'm so glad you were reunited with your parents. Your poor mum, must have been so traumatic for her, sounds like a complete breakdown, but she made sure you were somewhere safe.

Did you or your sister have problems with anxiety or poor relationships going into adulthood?

I'm Ok but I personally think my sister is well fucked up lol. She's raised her own kids very poorly and her kids have had some of their kids removed by SS. I think if SS had know how poorly she raised her children that they would have been removed but they didn't, so they weren't. Unsuitable men were in and out the house but thats another thread for another time.

I wanted to say to anyone on here who is struggling, please if you are going to abandon your child - please just do it at the nearest hospital where they will be safe.

OP posts:
Youthinkyourefunny · 27/05/2026 08:08

Did your dad ever say why ? You say that they got divorced soon after. Could it have been that he had told her he wanted a divorce and because it was 1972 the equal pay act had yet to come into force and it would be 3 years before the sex discrimination act would be passed. Which would mean life as a divorced mother would be extremely hard. It was perfectly legal to discriminate against a divorced woman simply because your moral code didn’t agree with it .

I wonder this because I had childhood friends where something similar happened. Only in my friends case the husband had an affair. So when the wife found out and he said he wanted a divorce, their mum took them to the town hall - where social services had their office and left them there with a letter saying she had no means to support them and didn’t believe her husband would pay maintenance.
Social services contacted the father and both parents were reconciled and lived unhappily ever after - until the youngest was 16. When he couldn’t leave fast enough.

cauliflowercheeseplease · 27/05/2026 08:10

My Grandmother was abandoned by her mother when she was 4. Her Mother liked the finer things in life, included men and left her and her sisters to marry a rich Persian man. My Grandmother was adopted by a lovely family in England ( she is from a European country) and has had a wonderful life here. Her sisters stayed in their home country and were raised by their Grandmother which would’ve been my Great Great Grandmother. They only met their biological father once, a fleeting visit to which my DGG told them he was just a handyman but later revealed he was indeed their father!

Her mother’s husband passed away ( he was a fair bit older than her) and due to laws in Persia she inherited nothing, it all went to his daughter from his first Marriage. She ended up dying a very sad, lonely woman my DGM tells me.

This skipped a generation as my DGM was a brilliant mother to my Mum, however my mother wasn’t so great with me and my sibling and chose addiction over us. She died last year.

dapsnotplimsolls · 27/05/2026 08:24

Why did you have a fair few appointments at the hospital?

warmsmell · 27/05/2026 08:32

Youthinkyourefunny · 27/05/2026 08:08

Did your dad ever say why ? You say that they got divorced soon after. Could it have been that he had told her he wanted a divorce and because it was 1972 the equal pay act had yet to come into force and it would be 3 years before the sex discrimination act would be passed. Which would mean life as a divorced mother would be extremely hard. It was perfectly legal to discriminate against a divorced woman simply because your moral code didn’t agree with it .

I wonder this because I had childhood friends where something similar happened. Only in my friends case the husband had an affair. So when the wife found out and he said he wanted a divorce, their mum took them to the town hall - where social services had their office and left them there with a letter saying she had no means to support them and didn’t believe her husband would pay maintenance.
Social services contacted the father and both parents were reconciled and lived unhappily ever after - until the youngest was 16. When he couldn’t leave fast enough.

@Youthinkyourefunny my dad never said why and never spoke about it except when I was an adult he told me about the hitchhiking he was telling me a funny story about it where he got into a fist fight with the driver lol but that was my dad all over. It was my mum who divorced him. Again, don't think she could cope with that either. Didn't really want to "adult" but getting pregnant at 16 meant that she had to.

I'm glad your friends were taken to the town hall. At least it was safe for them. And I'm not surprised that her parents "lived unhappily ever after" there's obviously underlying issues with women who do this.

OP posts:
warmsmell · 27/05/2026 08:34

dapsnotplimsolls · 27/05/2026 08:24

Why did you have a fair few appointments at the hospital?

We had a childhood illness that needed regular appointments with a consultant.

OP posts:
Notsosweetcaroline · 27/05/2026 08:36

how Has if affected you? Mine left when I was three nearly four, and my brother a few months old, she then died in an accident, a few years later, so we never saw her again, I have a memory of the last time I saw her, as I was excited, I heard her come into the house and rushed out of bed, she coldly told me to go back to bed, I remember feeling upset, as I wanted to see her, and that was it.

I don’t think it affected me, more the events after, as we ended up abused by the woman my father married, he joined in.

overall it was a tragic set of circumstances. The leaving was not the big issue for me, it was what came after. What it led to. Her death, the abuse. Being not wanted.

i always find it surprising on here when i see posters go on about men leaving their kids and saying how the women always ends up dealing with it. And think to myself. How lovely to be so naive, many many women abandon their children, I know of two other women it happened to, it is less than men, but far from uncommon. It’s also often justified, maybe she was mentally ill, couldn’t cope, abused. In reality some just do it, as they feel trapped and don’t wish that life. It is something we don’t speak of. Try to play down.

but women leave children, women abuse children. We’ve seen some very high profile cases in the news. Even on tn4 threads on the little French boys, some posters rushed to excuse the mother saying she must be mentally unwell. No one said that about the men.

the reality is yes some are unwell. Some can’t cope. But many are just selfish and or cruel.