Parents want us to move back to England

[TheNewCat]

Merry Christmas! Hope everyone’s having a lovely day with their loved ones.

I’m 38, my husband is 40, and we’ve lived in America for eight years now , Santa Barbara to be exact. We really love it here. We both have good jobs that pay well and we’re very lucky to have a comfortable life. We have two boys, aged 8 and 6. I’m British, my husband’s American, and we’ve been together for 12 years. At the beginning we went back and forth between England and the US, and eventually decided to settle here because we wanted to have kids.

So that’s a bit of background. It’s not like I don’t see my parents. I come back to England five or six times a year, and my kids know them very well. I often pay for my parents to come and stay with us too. They’re retired, so they like spending time with their grandkids. But they act like they never see them just because we don’t live in England.
They constantly go on about American politics, school shootings, and how dangerous it is, as if we should be living in fear all the time. We’re not living in fear. Of course it’s scary, but I don’t spend my days worrying about school shootings. I still have to live my life.

My parents clearly resent me for moving to the States. While we’re here, they’ve even found three houses in Surrey for us to “look at”. They live in Surrey, my three brothers live in Surrey too, and they all want us to move back.

My husband isn’t totally against the idea and thinks we could try it. He has friends here and his company has an office in London, so he’s spent time with colleagues over here. But I’ve built a life in the States. It took a lot of effort, but I’ve made a community and I’m happy. I do miss my friends in England and see them often, but I also now have friends in the US. We have a house there, the kids have friends, and they like living there. Every time we’re here in winter they complain that it’s too cold – same thing every visit.

What really gets me is that when my parents have visited us in Santa Barbara, they’ve said how much they’d love to live there themselves. They’re just scared of American politics, and I’m honestly sick of hearing about it. Every single conversation turns into that, with them telling me I should “put the boys first”, as if I’m not already doing that.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to stick with what we have right now? I know politics matters, but why should I live my life in fear? Why does it feel like the only options are: 1) move back to England, or 2) live in constant fear of school shootings and chaos? It’s not like England is doing brilliantly at the moment either. I’ve got four friends who’ve chosen to leave England in the last two years

Why is everyone so scared of America. All my cousins act as though we are living in a very dangerous country like England is perfect ? Maybe I’m missing something.

You've put this in AMA, which is confusing

You won't get many responses, I think

But can I just say, Santa Barbara is my dream place to live! I've only ever visited so I suppose I can't say for sure. But I can't imagine that I'd want to give up a life there and come back to England. I say this is someone who loves England.

there's a lot of TDS around and possibly some anti American sentiment may be linked into that.

I would just ignore it. Really, I wish I had made an effort to get work in the US and build a life there in the past. I guess when I was young, I would've had the option. Ironically, I didn't look into it because of my parents. And years later, I'm still looking after my elderly mum.

My chance has gone - no way give up yours. And you've said it took a lot of effort to build a community, etc.

Such a beautiful place, stay there and enjoy!

editing to add - on my first visit to California, I looked around and I wondered how different life would be if you had a childhood there.

I must admit, I haven't been to California for awhile and I do wonder if it's maybe now got a mentality that wouldn't suit me. But if it works for you then great. Also, it's impossible to form a picture from another country. I'm sure everyone isn't a raving leftie...

Just say no? They believe it’s a possibility that you’ll move back. Their motives don’t really matter - they think there is potential and therefore that they can exert some influence over it. Clearly both explain that there isn’t; you’re not interested in moving back and will be staying in Santa Barbara, and the boys are happy and settled. Close down any further conversation on it. They’ll get the message and you can all move on happily.

You’d be absolutely nuts to leave a life you love to come back to the uk right now. If you have made your peace with the things others think should worry you, then stay in California! I know I would!

Are you your mum’s only daughter? I have a sister who lives in California and we do miss her. We do make the odd comment about her coming home as we really miss her but we know she has her own life and family over there now. I’d probably just try and shut the conversation down and say you’re happy where you are but they’re welcome to visit more. Santa Barbara is a lovely place to live and if you’ve built a life as well, I can’t see why you wouldn’t want to leave.

You might want to ask for it to be moved from AMA, OP.

There seems to be an obsession with keeping your family close. Resist, OP! If you and your branch of the family are happy in America, stay there. What we see of America over here is what the media puts out... which is usually the depressing and negative things. If you make the giant move back to the UK, with your family in tow, what will the parental pressure be put on to do next? You live life to keep yourself and your children happy, not your parents; you did enough of trying to keep them happy when you were a child. They might say something along the lines of, "You're taking my grandchildren away from me"... but you're also giving them a better life than what you think that they could have in Surrey. Don't be swayed, OP. Do what's right for you, your children and your husband.

I am the first generation to move away from the village where I grew up. I've had people trying to guilt-trip me for it, which isn't easy when you have people telling you that you'll fail, be unhappy and come back with your tail between your legs. It's better where I am, and I'm never moving back.

If you are happy where you are, that's it. It's absolutely nothing to do with your parents where you live, and they need to stop going on about it.

Santa Barbara is such a beautiful place and California is easily the best state in the U.S. If you’re happy and your children are happy, and your life is financially secure then I would stay.

If you’re happy why would you move? Ignore them, they’re jealous

I don’t think location is as important a factor as where you have built a life. And your life, friendships, routines and network seems to be in SB. Even somewhere average is special with the right people around you. You’ve no guarantee (or have you?!) of that in Surrey, so I wouldn’t move and wouldn’t consider it.

I have been in exactly the same situation. Including the constant comments and attitude. In the end I had to move back for professional reasons. I sorely miss the life I had built, which was my path and my life. I feel lost in the UK. That said, it is nicer than I had ever imagined to be closer to family and friends.
hope that helps

here’s my AMA: how would a frank conversation go where you ask them to stop asking you?

This is unbelievably selfish and small-minded of your parents. I’d find it very off-putting if my parents “suggested” I move back to the UK because of American politics (I live on the east coast). As it is you go 5-6 times a year. That’s loads. You and your DH need to make the best decision for your DC and yourselves, communicate it and tell them you won’t brook any more conversation on the topic.

I can’t believe they’ve lined up house viewings for you. That’s pretty shocking tbh.

Don' t you read the UK press? People in UK are entirely fed up with high cost of living and the current Government. Taxes have gone up a lot. The NHS is not great and loads of people have left/are leaving/or are trying to leave the country. Your parents are very out of date and seem don't even read or listen to the 'NEWS'!

My ILs really pissed me off harping on about us moving closer to them. I just ignored them and eventually spoke very firmly about staying where we are.

Unreasonable?
Your parents want? 😂
That's a tough 💩.
You're an adult, I presume.
This is your life you built for yourself.
Don't you ever think to please others by endangering your own. I always say - the audacity of some of these people.

Santa Barbara trumps Surrey every time. I am sure you have a far better quality of life there then you would have here.

Tell them your life is not broken, so there is absolutely no need for you to fix it. And to drop the subject, because you are getting bored with it.

Live your life on your own terms...

My parents always told me they would 'love a grandchild'... It went on for years with regular, regular comments to my partner and I regarding how 'lucky' their friends are having multiple grandchildren... And how it changes their friends lives for the better.

In December 2024 my partner and I had a little boy after IVF... It was a real last minute opportunity, the last viable chance.

We got a card off my parents. A few plastic plates for the baby and jumpers. 13 months later, now, they still haven't met him.

They are too busy and have 'other things' going on. They live a 5hr train journey away. Dad plays golf 5 times a week, mum lunches out 2 or 3 days a week with gardening club.

Those words about being jealous of their friends who are so lucky to have grandchildren proved just that, words. Empty words.

It ticked the sentimentality box for them. But in real life, they aren't bothered.

Is stay in America if I were you. If your life is healthy and happy, don't even think about leaving to possibly please someone else. Noooo way.

Albeit for me to poo poo this as to be honest I think the UK is a bit shit in many ways - but for completely different reasons to you I think - and for the same reasons I don’t much like the US at the moment - however I must admit I’m very very fond of Santa Barbara. - been 3 times.
out of interest what are these taxes that have gone up? Unless you have kids at private school or are likely to be victim to a few things around inheritance tax etc - I don’t see that tax has gone up for the average and even middle to higher earner at all under the current government? Which taxes exactly do you mean?

I don’t see that tax has gone up for the average and even middle to higher earner at all under the current government?

its fiscal drag introduced by the Tories. Tbh the biggest issue is wage stagnation, the OP will likely earn a lot more in the US.

And there’s a lot of truth in that - there are people who want all the boxes ticked - wedding- tick, grandchild- tick- but anything that involves actually making a physical effort or disturbing the routine - nah, they have often gone beyond it - I think it’s one unintended consequence of a lot of women having children much later in life too. Some grandparents have gone beyond the ‘sweet spot ‘ where they had time, energy and inclination

Yes I understand that aspect but it’s not new , it came in under the Tory’s - I don’t disagree it’s happening and Labour haven’t changed it because it’s pretty clear post Brexit and post covid there’s not exactly wads of spare cash in the public system , but I do think there are some rather disingenuous posts around making it sound like the gvt have drastically hiked tax - which simply isn’t the case in general income tax - the other thing having lived in Copenhagen and I know the taxation systems fairly well elsewhere too is very few country’s ; (unless it’s one of the tax free but very high cost to live) country’s actually have such a high tax free income allowance as UK - in many other country’s it’s around £4K equivalent.

You’re a grown up. What your parents would prefer you to do is irrelevant. My parents wanted me to leave school at 15 and thought university ‘wasn’t for the likes of us’. I sat for a scholarship and went anyway.

As it’s AMA how are you managing to visit the UK so frequently when you work? (US jobs often provide little annual leave)

(US jobs often provide little annual leave)

It really depends on what job you do.

I have no idea why anyone living in California would ever consider giving it up to move/return to the UK. Stay put would be my advice.