I’d like to start by saying that no, my ex-husband has not been to the GP about this, and I cannot go to the doctor for him. While we were together, I did try to get him to see a doctor, but I think he was scared of a diagnosis or having a label put on him.
We were together for 12 years and very happy. I truly loved him (and still do), and I felt very loved in the relationship. During that time we had four boys. The last two are twins. We tried for a third child, hoping for a girl, but we ended up with twins. It was a shock, but I wouldn’t change it. I love my boys.
Before the twins, we did have a daughter, but she passed away. She was unwell from the start and died at five months old. That was very hard for both of us, and also for our children. We had to explain the concept of death to them at a very young age, which was tough. I dealt with it by pushing it aside and trying to forget that I ever had a daughter. I loved her very much and was looking forward to watching her grow up. I never really grieved her. Then we had the twins, and I didn’t have time to grieve as I was so busy.
I think the loss of our daughter was the start of my husband’s behaviour that later led to me initiating the separation. He became very impulsive. His motto became “you only live once”, and at the time I let it slide. He would buy expensive things and be very spontaneous. The kids liked it because they got anything they wanted.
For example, our eldest was learning about Egypt at school and once said he wanted to go there one day. His dad took that as a reason to book a trip to Egypt for all of us. We had a great time, and I did enjoy it. Then he bought a van and turned it into a camper van. We spent five weeks travelling around Europe in it.
One day he mentioned he wanted a Porsche. He had always talked about it, but then one day I came home from work and saw a new car on the drive. When I walked in, the first thing my eldest said was that dad had picked him up from school in the new two-seater convertible and taken him for a ride. I was very annoyed that he bought it without talking to me. It was his money, and he could do what he wanted, so I let it go. I also liked the car.
Another time, he said the house needed painting and gutting. I agreed we should do it at some point. He works from home three days a week. One day he took a day off work without telling me and used it to paint the house. He went out and bought lots of paint. I came home from work to find him painting with the kids and letting them paint whatever they wanted. I was really upset. We argued, and I told him he was acting strange and needed to stop. He told me I needed to loosen up and brought up our daughter who died, saying we should start living life.
There are many things like this. None of it was “bad” as such, just strange, and I was confused about why it was happening. It didn’t feel like him anymore.
He also started smoking weed. He told me about it and said he wouldn’t do it in the garden. We talked about it, and I said it was okay if it helped him, but that it might be good to see the GP as well. He said there was nothing wrong with him and that I was being judgmental.
It all built up over time. There isn’t one single thing that made me initiate the separation. I was just tired and confused, to be honest. We would argue, then have sex, and he would act like that fixed everything. I suggested counselling, together or individually, but he said no and that our marriage was fine. All through this, he said he loved me, but he didn’t want to try counselling.
It has been 18 months since he moved out of the family home. He bought another place in London so he could stay close to the kids. The kids love their dad, and he is a great dad. His focus is always on them, and parenting is very much 50/50. He enjoys being a dad, and everyone around us can see that. I don’t feel like a single mum, even though we are separated.