Trying to get sober/clean while battling severe mental health issues AMA

[AloneInTheWorld1]

Heavy binge drinker, use all kinds of drugs, have EUPD and an eating disorder, OCD, anxiety, history of self harm and overdose.

Basically a bit of a shit show but trying to get clean and turn my life around.

AMA, but please be kind. Feel like this could help me to be honest as sometimes being challenged on things is helpful.

What is your main poison and what are your daily strategies to keep off it? X

Wine, strong alcohol pops, beer. Anything really. I'm not a daily drinker but when I do drink, I drink a lot. And I buy enough to cope with the hangover the next day.

Drugs I will take ketamine, psychedelics, mdma, stimulants... Anything really depending on the situation.

I don't have a daily strategy, however I've just relapsed and I was staying sober by distancing myself from certain people. That's my issue and my biggest struggle. An unpleasant relationship situation.

I have access to services who are helping me, I just need to help myself more.

I plan to start SMART recovery and start going to AA again so I don't feel so isolated.

Sound like you've had a really tough time with a lot to contend with. Good on you for trying to turn your life around.

Are you getting any help?
How long have you been using/drinking?

Thank you! I think it's going to be a long road but I've hit rock bottom now.

Yes, I've got access to several services. I need to get sober before I access mental health services though.

I've been drinking since I was a young teen and I grew up in an alcoholic household.

Drugs is only a year or two in terms of regularity.

May I ask what your rock bottom was?

The deep deep shame of how much I'm harming myself. Waking up covered in bruises not knowing what I've said or done. Multiple unwanted pregnancies. Financial ruin. I'm very ashamed of myself. I'm trying to use it as a way to change, but it's quite hard to get past the "beating myself up" stage. I won't go into too much detail but basically every area of my life has been harmed.

What made you decide to do this now? I admit i drink too much and need to break the cycle. How did you do it?

Don't beat yourself up. Just look forward to how amazing you'll feel when you've turned your life around. Sounds like you were dealt a bad hand from very early in your life, so don't blame yourself x

No questions but I want to wish you well. EUPD all I know is that it is often trauma based so that is obviously from a very tough start for you. I think it can be overcome.

From my own experience I had a very tough period of my life due to what turned out with a bit of time and distance was a deeply dysfunctional childhood. I remember standing on a metaphorical precipice where I was teetering on the brink of a very significant mental health condition and the sheer effort it has taken to work through the psychological and emotional abuse and sexual abuse I had experienced was quite simply the challenge of my life.

I suspect that is where you are currently standing but I want you to know that healing was possible. It looks far more than I believed it could in my darkest days and it has changed me for the better in ways I could never have imagined.

That is within your grasp, allow it to be messy and allow yourself to make mistakes. Learn to sit with your emotions, particularly shame but a moderated version given your early childhood experiences give you an unbalanced version of shame, work really fucking hard on it and take full responsibility for yourself and who you want to become. It will absolutely be worth it. I wish you so much success.

Oh and ruthlessly get rid of the destructive relationships.

Its just seeing the repeating patterns and realising that if I don't so something now, I'll end up dead probably. I'll keep putting myself in bad situations. I had a solid month there of being clean and the difference was unreal. I had hope and right now I don't. But I want it back.

Seeing family members having illnesses due to alcohol.

Seeing my life falling apart 😔

My addiction worker has been encouraging me to write everything down and it's really eye opening. I'm keeping a journal and writing down how I feel after a binge.

It's hard. I wish you all the best ❤️

Thank you for your kindness 😊

This made me tear up! You're exactly right.

When I look at everything that happened to get me to this place I know I need to give myself a bit more kindness. But also I'm the only one who can change these things.

I'm working up the courage to get rid of the destructive relationships. It's scary.

Thank you so much for sharing, I appreciate it.

The shame diminishes OP, it starts to get diluted by the hope and sobriety. And then the day comes that you'll view yourself with compassion.
Everything can be fixed and mended, in time. You just have to hold on.
Wishing you all the best x

I really, really hope you're right. I think the shame combined with the awful relationship is what is holding me back here. It's hard to see how I can cope with the shame without the substances. Does that make sense?

Thank you though x

I don’t have any questions but wanted to send a hug and well done for taking the first step. It’s tough but it will be so worth it x

I'm right, I promise you will feel the shame lessen. You have to be in a place where you're safe and have good support around you. Because it can hit you like a tonne of bricks in those early days. So you need support, decent people, sober people to keep an eye on you, hold your hand, let you talk. All without none of your usual ways to cope. It's not always easy, it is always simple. All you have to do is not drink/use, just for today. You can take it minute by minute if you need to.
All the emotional stuff, you can deal with later. For now, you need to be safe and sober/clean.
I went to AA, there are lots of other programs if thats not for you.
You can do it, you don't deserve to feel like this.

Thank you. I've decided to start going to all the support groups that are available. I'm not working now so I may as well make the most of it.

I do like AA, I don't agree with everything but the people are lovely.

There's a weekly SMART group too.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, it means a lot ❤️

Good luck
Happy to help, if I can x

AloneInTheWorld1 how are you?

Well, thank you for asking. Feel free to look at my other thread, I'm currently in hospital. I've been diagnosed with a brain tumour. Day 7 forced to be clean and sober and three meals a day. Happy accident I suppose!

Oh shit!
Sorry to hear that, sending best wishes