AMA on divorce, financial separation and co-parenting with Amanda Bell

[RhiannonEMumsnet]

Hi everyone,

We’re pleased to announce that Amanda Bell, Co-Founder of affordable divorce platform SeparateSpace, will be doing an AMA this Monday (9th December) covering divorce, financial separation and co-parenting.

Before founding SeparateSpace, Amanda was a Legal 500 recommended family lawyer at a market leading London law firm. She helped hundreds of clients sort out their finances and parenting arrangements following separation. Amanda now leads SeparateSpace - an online platform created by experts across law, finance, therapy and psychology to provide affordable support through divorce. As Amanda explains, “The problem is that divorce is confusing and lawyers are expensive. People find themselves struggling with decisions about finances and children, worried about taking a wrong step they’ll regret. They’re left feeling powerless and stressed out. At SeparateSpace we believe it shouldn’t be this hard.”

This time of year can bring challenges - from figuring out child arrangements for the Christmas holidays to coming up with a plan for moving forward with divorce in the new year. Amanda will be answering questions on Monday evening between 4pm and 7:30pm. You can post your questions in advance or join her on Monday.

As always, please remember our guidelines - one question per user, follow-ups only if there’s time and most questions have been answered, and please keep it civil.

Thanks,
MNHQ

Answers are intended to be information for people in England and Wales. This information doesn't qualify as legal, tax, accounting or financial advice. If you are uncertain about your position, you should obtain professional specialist advice.

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Hi, my husband used an online solicitor to do our divorce and financial settlement. The financial settlement has gone to court and been stamped. I received the paperwork and he says he will pay me when he receives it. He has seen my paperwork. He has sent me about 15% and is saying he will pay the rest when he receives the paperwork. Why have I received it and not him? How long will this take? I'd like the money, understandably, before Xmas!
TIA

Hi Amanda,

My STBEXH is refusing to accept a 60:40 split of our assets (house).

If I went ahead with a 55:45 split, I would not have enough to buy a property to suit my needs.

He earns nearly 4 times more than me so the difference doesn't really affect his ability to get a house. To me, the extra £50 would enable our kids to have a room each.

He is refusing the 60:40 split as he simply seems it to be unfair.

I work 28 out of a potential 35 hours as I take kids to school and start late.

He has managed to manipulate me into agreeing to delay the divorce and remain living together. He's trying to convince me that asking for 60:40 will end up costing us loads in court as he won't budge.

Part of me wants an easy life and to stay how we are in the 4-bed house. Part of me thinks I should find the strength to fight for a fair spilt which enables me to purchase a small house but there's not really enough money in the pot.

Is he manipulating me? I don't know if I have the energy to fight. Is asking for 60:40 pointless as it would be refused?

Thank you

@MeThinksTime I'm sorry you're dealing with such difficult circumstances.

The court will be able to take all the circumstances into account - this includes the impact of paying the rent as well as what you're going to need going forwards. There's no formula for the way the assets are split but it needs to be fair and the first consideration is any child.

As I understand it you have taken your pension so it is no longer a marital asset as its now your income just as your exes salary is his income. I beleive his pension pot is still a marital asset which you have a claim to.
This was the reason I wouldn't divorce ... I was the one with the pension pot.

Hi everyone, thanks for all your questions. Unfortunately we had to end slightly earlier than planned as Amanda had a family issue but we’re really grateful to her for taking the time to answer as many questions as possible!

Can you delete my post then please as it's embarrassing to be left hanging?

They didn’t, because other than the house they have nothing joint and to be honest he never anticipated it being this difficult to get off. Thank you for your advice x

@CalmInTheChaos thanks so much for your time in answering the question- much appreciated

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply and for the links :)

I just need some advice and I don’t know who to speak to
My daughter’s dad and I split up 7 months after her 1st birthday, she’s 4 next month. We had a bad relationship, totally brought out the worst in each other. I had a very difficult pregnancy during lockdown & after our daughter was born there were two occasions where he was physical with me. Our relationship was always volatile but those were the only times I can remember where he hit me. It was a very messy breakup, I deffo didn’t go about it in the best way but I was miserable with him. Two weeks after we split up I found out he’d started seeing a friend of 10+ years of mine. He moved in to her house 2 months after we split up and immediately wanted our daughter overnight - which I agreed to under the condition his girlfriend didn’t sleep in the same bed as him and our daughter who had only co-slept to which he kicked off at.
I had to call the police to remove him once because he was walking around the outside of my house banging on the windows/doors & shouting - I didn’t press charges which I now regret
He only had her 1-2 nights a week for the first year and a half despite only working part time/not working, finally agreeing to 3 nights when I pushed for it. He refused to send me any child support at first before agreeing to £100 a month but deducting £40 for unpaid council tax from our first flat. That stopped last year once the council tax had been paid and he told me he wasn’t sending me any child support. I opened a case with CSA and he stopped working completely.
In September last year I was having a very hard time mentally and was crying all the time and struggling with dissociation and it was getting to the point my daughter (now 3) was starting to ask why I was so upset. Having had a challenging childhood myself I felt it was in her best interest to live with her dad until I could I sort myself out. He agreed to have her and she lived with him until December at which point she came home and I have her 5 days a week again. During the time she lived with him I still saw her 3/4 days a week after nursery for a few hours - he would consistently tell me I was a distant parent and at one point told me our daughter was used to me letting her down.
Ive been signed off work for years due to mental health issues but pay all my own bills, rent my house myself & provide everything I can for my daughter. I learned a few weeks ago her dad has no income at all and his girlfriend pays for everything (including giving him an ‘allowance’ despite being 32 years old) for him and our child.
I have struggled with addiction in the past - never around my daughter - but sought help and have been sober for years now. He still smokes weed regularly whilst having our daughter in his care.
Shes been having a few health issues resulting in 3 trips to A&E since December, both times I took her I called her dad to let her know what was happening and he shouted at me for waking him up, even after knowing she was in A&E. I asked him if he could have her for the night after she was discharged as at that point Id had about an hours sleep - only for him to tell me he was ‘disappointed in me because it was my day & that he would have her overnight but only if I dropped her off and picked up first thing in the morning (hearing this my parents took us to their house and let me sleep whilst they watched her)
He only came on the second occasion after I asked him to because she had wet herself and I only only one spare pair of pants. The one time he took her to A&E I went straight there as soon as I read the message.
He takes her to a reenactment group he goes to every other Monday but I learned yesterday that it’s on from 7:30 to 9:30 at night…he has never told me how late it’s on. I have said this is too late for her to be out - she’s in bed by half 7 most nights, 8 at a push. He’s told me I can’t dictate what he does with her when he has her and now refuses to speak to me about it. I spoke to his mum who is a primary school teacher about it last night and she agrees it’s way too late for her to be out when she has nursery/school the next morning. She already has trouble with concentration and has extra help in nursery. I have offered to have her the Mondays he goes so he can still go and said he can have her the Saturday nights before so he still gets 3 nights a week with her - he’s refused.
He also lies consistently about what I’ve said/done and has done for years. I paid £600 in damages to our first flat from him punching holes in the doors & wall which he insisted he was paying towards also. I got in contact with the company and they confirmed it was only ever my account that paid, when I confronted him with this he said the company were lying so I told him to go through him bank and screenshot the payments. Hours later he told me he couldn’t find any - I don’t think he ever apologised, eventually he payed me half the money but it was an argument to get it back.
He brings up the past a lot and claims I was out drinking/doing drugs all the time after our daughter was born…I was not. I went out maybe one/twice a week which my friends confirm & those times I did go out he would call me and shout at me for being out. I have multiple times now apologised for what happened during it breakup and admitted I was not easy to be with - he has never apologised or taken accountability for his behaviour and to this day denies hitting me (I told my psychiatrist the first time but not the second. I have pictures of the bruises but theyre my arms which he has said in the past doesn’t count?) he also says I was aggressive and threw things at him all the time - I threw a remote in his direction once when I thought he was going to hit me, which was the first time he did hit me.
He makes me so nervous as he’s been violent in the past and still loses his temper and shouts at me/calls me names and stuff. It doesn’t affect me as much as it used to but I don’t feel like I should have to deal with it 3 years on.
I feel like I’m trying so hard to make things amicable, I just want the best for our daughter.

I don’t have money for a lawyer and I don’t know any other parents to go to for advice.

He has threatened to go for full custody multiple times & I’ve always been scared my brief history with drugs and mental health issues would fuck me over but at this point I don’t know what to do. I can’t deal with the constant arguing/aggression/lying. I just want what’s best for my daughter. I’ve tried to call citizens advice but I can never get through

I know this is long, thank you to anyone who reads the whole thing - any advice would be appreciated x