Children Bereavement charity Founder -AMA

[WDDAuthor]

Hi! I am the founder of a children’s bereavement charity.

This was set up after my children’s father died and we realised a huge lack of support in this area.

it is Children’s Grief Awareness Week, and I thought it’s the perfect opportunity to talk about it.

Quick facts -
We set up the charity 3 years ago.
My children were 8 and 11 when their father died.
We help children, their families and teachers in a variety of ways.
Yes, many adults carry unprocessed grief, often resulting in problems with mental and physical health.
We try to prevent this from happening with the children we support.
The recent news around a young singer’s death is having quite an impact on the teens we support. Mostly because they have huge empathy with the young son left behind.
We have fun and share laughter and tears with the families we support. It’s not all doom.

We’re a heart led charity, and sometimes the deaths and grief affects us, and is hard to put down, but we have a support system in place to help us with our emotional health.

Any questions?

I know death is hard to talk about, but we are really trying to get conversations going!

Ask me anything about setting up and running a charity, our own experiences with grief, or the work we do to support bereaved families and teachers. I’ll answer all over the next couple of days if anyone has questions for me.

Thank you for the work you do.
My question is, doesn't working with these types of situations every day bring back your own bereavement and that of your kids? It sounds incredibly painful.

@NeedSomeComfy thank you for asking. I think there is enough distance and a lot of processing that’s happened for us personally over the years, so mostly we are ok.

My children both volunteer for the charity and help us run groups at time, and their input is valuable. They’ll often think of things differently than us, and I think it helps us provide a better service.

However, I lost my dear mum earlier this year, and had to step away from some aspects of the work for a while, it was simply too painful for me to deal with. I am lucky enough to have two of the most wonderful colleagues, and we really support each other well.

Thank you for your kind words.

How can we prepare children for death? Our dog died which my youngest took very badly and I think caused a realisation that grandparents who he is very close to will also die in the next few years (in their 90s)

@Whoyergonnacall I am sorry your family had such a loss. Pets are such a huge part of the family. 💔
To answer - gently, factually and age appropriate. We work with quite a few families who are pre-bereaved, and we always advocate honesty. Children often lose trust in adults when they realise the truth has been withheld from them.

In your case, I’d open discussion around it when he voices his fears. Acknowledge that life is precious, and limited. Assure him that even though grief is painful, he can do a lot to help him process it. Also, that he’ll have bags of good memories that he’ll carry with him through life.

Bring conversations around the cycle of life into everyday conversations. This is a great time of year for it, with winter/ leaves on the ground etc. Ask him what he understands. Sometimes what they have in their minds is so much worse than the truth.

Assure him above all that those whose bodies stopped working are not in any pain, or carrying any sadness. This is usually a big fear for children and they don’t know how to voice it.
Unfortunately we can’t shield our children from this, but I hope he can live in the here and now and make the absolute best of the time he still have with them. 💜

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

Were you aware of Winston's Wish before setting up your own charity? This is an awesome very long established charity that provides support to both children who have lost their parent and the surviving parent.
https://winstonswish.org/about-us/

I know of people who also lost a parent as a child and found support from this charity as an adult.
https://winstonswish.org/adults-bereaved-as-children/

Couldn't recommend it enough.

Winston's wish were incredible when we needed them, didn't they help you when you were in need?

How do you get people interested in a "taboo" topic such as childhood bereavement? I am a now adult bereaved child. I did a big fundraiser for Winston's Wish and it was like pulling teeth. But people seem to have a lot more success raising money for things such as Children in Need, Comic Relief, animal shelters etc. It's as if by acknowledging your past and what you're doing your potential donors are forced to acknowledge that children lose relatives and it could happen to their family too and it makes them so uncomfortable they just say no thanks and move away.

@Amx and @user0234058779 I learned about Winston’s Wish very quickly on the day of his death. I agree, they are incredible. The guidance they gave me on the day was invaluable.

We needed something longer term and local to us. Unfortunately neither they or Child Bereavement UK had anything near us. I think a local service is so important, the in person get togethers and being able to do things with the kids whilst taking away any pressure of organising from
the parents/ carers.

Being local also means we can go into schools when needed, and support teachers as well.

But I agree with you both a 100%. Winston’s Wish is incredible and I’ll never forget the support and advice they gave when I was in a complete state of panic.

@DrCoconut I hear you! It IS hard to talk about. I sometimes say when people see me walk into a room, they walk out! Not because I try to raise funds, but because I talk about grief.

I am so sorry about your loss, and hope you found the support you needed.

Fundraising is tricky. I think 1) you need to share the why? Either your own story or why it is that you want to fundraise for them. You chose them for a reason, so make your messaging about that. The generic versions doesn’t work. But also, share why these services are so important. What the outcomes are.

For example- when we help a child, we improve their support network, reduce anxiety and self harm, increase school attendance etc. You need to put that in a way where people can really feel what a difference it can make to a family. Hope that makes sense? And good luck in your future fundraising endeavours!

hi, thank you so much for setting up your charity and for all the much-needed work you do. I lost my DH 2 years ago to cancer when my children were 9 and 12. It was incredibly traumatic (everything that could go wrong, did go wrong for him) and I would say that instead of things getting better for me, things seem to have got worse.

I found that Grief Encounter was a very helpful charity at the time, but we were only able to stay members for a year, and the other charities were not particularly helpful, not through want of trying. Neither of my children were able to say goodbye to their dad, who was ill for two years, and in hospital through much of covid, and we weren't allowed to visit until the last few months at which point, he had declined so much mentally and physically, that I don't even know if my chlldren remember who he was before. My daughter has ASD and ADHD, so that has made processing things harder for her, and my son barely mentions his dad either. They have both had therapy and my daughter has just been accepted for a 10-week block of CBT for her phobias.

What I came here to say really, is that asides from the emotional toll, I have found coping with the practical and logistical day-to-day stuff really really hard. Being on my own without any support, trying to keep up with (part-time) work (I couldn't) and processing everything that has happened, has been impossible and I am completely burnt out. I can't afford someone to help in the house, or someone to look after the kids (although they are now 12 and 15 - but obviously both need me - and will continue to need me - in different ways), and friends are busy with their own families. I have searched and searched and there is no practical help for bereaved parents, even just for a couple of hours a week, I am running around doing the job of two parents on top of the PTSD, and the grief, as well as carrying my children's grief too, and I find it really surprising that there isn't a charity that offers this - I wondered if this was something you had found, or maybe you do offer this. I'm just really interested to find out your thoughts.

It feels unfair that my kids, have not only lost their dad, but have lost out financially (because I can't work - and I have written to my MP about the cut in bereavement benefits, but the reply was pretty negative) as well as not having me at my best because I'm just run ragged and on my knees, with no time for myself to think about having a life.

Thanks again for setting your charity up and I'm really very sorry for yours and your childrens' loss.

Thank you very much @WDDAuthor Grief is so difficult. I feel emotional for you and others on the thread who’ve had the grief of losing a partner as well as everything that goes with that, alongside parenting your children through their loss. Well done for setting up a well thought through offer for families and I wish you and you family all the very best.

@cookiedough23 My heart really goes out to you. You are carrying a LOT. I’m sorry for your loss, it sounds as if you had such a difficult time.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just press the pause button for a little while, just to take a breath and come to terms with it all?? I remember that feeling of overwhelm too well.

Unfortunately we don’t offer this specifically. I do know though, that some of the parents of our groups are supporting each other in this way - sleepover swaps etc.

Can I take you a step back to you saying your friends are busy with their own families- I find that people are happy to help, IF they know how. So often we hear others say ‘let me know how I can help’ and that goes no further. 8/10 times it is simply because they don’t know how. So, ask. Even if only a few friends can help, it will lighten your load.

More importantly, I think you need to consider a way for you to process what has happened to you. Not only your husband’s death, but also his illness and the impact of Covid. It sounds devastating, and you need to allow that to work through first, or you’ll stay in constant overwhelm.

Are you sleeping and eating well? Are you fairly well organised as a lone parent household? I’ve put on an enormous amount of weight for a while, and had recurring nightmares about the deaths of my loved ones until I did a program that helped me to process properly what happened.
I didn’t realise that calming my nervous system have to come before anything else. Once you’ve done that, a lot of other things seem to fall in place.

I’m sorry your children are struggling so much. My son is ND, and handled his grief very differently than my daughter. I think that’s to be expected in many ways.

Re her CBT and any future therapeutic interventions, please please make sure they deal with the grief directly. It was the experience of my daughter and many of the other children in our group that a lot of therapists skirt around the issue. In the 8 weeks my daughter had therapy, her dad was mentioned once.

It is important for the children to process that, or else you’re really just sticking a plaster over a gaping wound.

Again, I am so sorry that your family experienced this.

Thanks so much, @Whoyergonnacall

The children and I are mostly ok now, and this has built a lot of resilience. I hope the same is or will be true for the other posters as well.

Can I ask how you process grief? I lost my mu
a couple of weeks ago and I can’t except it. My 6 year old son was the apple of her eye and he told me the other night to forget her because it makes me sad. I can hardly talk to him about it and I’m an absolute state most of the time. He doesn’t seem to really be bothered and I know he loved her a lot. Will he be ok? Is he processing it? I don’t know I don’t even k ow if I am I’m lost. Thank you

Sorry lots of typos I’m such a state she was my best friend

W@LittleMG I’m so sorry to hear this. My heart really goes out to you. I’ve lost my mum too, earlier this year, and the pain is indescribable. It feels as if you’ve lost your anchor, doesn’t it?

How to process - you’re doing it. Feel it, don’t try to push it away or keep yourself busy to exhaustion just so you don’t have to go through the pain. If you find yourself engaged in a behaviour that you realise you’re doing to avoid the hurt/ thoughts, then try to reduce that. It hurts, a LOT. But our bodies are capable of helping us to process, if we let it.
Cry - snot and tears if you have to. Sleep, be angry, be sad. The more you allow, the better. Because I’m afraid there is no getting away from it. If you try to push all this away, it’ll come back to the surface later.
When you’re able, try to find some comfort in good memories. If you have a lot of regrets, anger, longing, then start writing, that really helps. I write to my mum often. Saying sorry, writing something I want to share, recalling things we’ve done together. And I cried like a baby when I started. Now, I do it a lot less often, and it doesn’t hurt with quite the same intensity. I never read back what I wrote.
Talk to people when you can. There are many grief groups, in person and online. Join, so you don’t feel so isolated in your grief. Be careful though, please. Join those who have hope and healing. Unfortunately many are only focused on the pain and are staying stuck there. That can actually be damaging to you in the long run, if people are just dumping trauma. Groups run by professionals are safer.
As for your son - at that age, he is on the cusp of whether he fully understands the whole concept of death. Explain to him that sadness isn’t badness, it is an emotion like all others that needs to be felt. Assure him that it’s a normal feeling, and it is nothing to be scared of. You might find that his grief will start a bit later, and that’s ok.

Grief is such a normal response. Even though it hurts like hell. You showing him that it’s ok to feel, will help him be better connected to his own emotions as well. It help build resilience when a kid knows sadness is just one of the many things we feel as humans, and it is nothing to be scared or ashamed of.

And when you get happy moments, please, grab it with both hands. Don’t feel guilty if there comes a moment that you forget, that you pick up the phone to call, or have a proper belly laugh. Life is supposed to be happy. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now. But keep holding on to those good moments as long and as tight as you can, and eventually there’ll be more of them.

Wishing you so much strength. I know this is horrible. And you’re not alone. There are people around you who care. Lean on them. 💜

Do you get groups of affected children together so they can meet each other and share this common experience. I think this is so important, to be around other young people who understand.

I recall my parent passed away in quite an awful unexpected way and I chose to go to school the next day. There was just nothing available. I remember wishing there was someone else in my position, I felt such a stranger amongst peers for a long time.

I'm sorry you and your children have experienced this 💐

@WDDAuthor thank you a million times for your reply. It is so helpful to know that it is normal and when other people have gone through the same, that really helps that I’m not alone. I had a really good relationship with my mum and I know she knew I loved her but I feel I let her down at the last minute and didn’t advocate for her as I should have. My friend sent me a book on grief by CS Lewis he said helped him I’ve started it. I also managed to look at some pictures of my mum today. But I am still crying a lot and I’m not hiding it well. My little boy seems ok and today he was trying to tell me I need to think of something else. That’s what he’s doing apparently I’m not sure. I am surrounded by love and good friends I am lucky in that respect. I’m so sorry you have been through the same, I never imagined the pain, but thank you so much for sharing your experience and personal experience I am very grateful x

@Tittat50 Yes, absolutely. We have groups for younger children and separate groups for teens, as well as family days. These are some of our most important services, as they support each other and there is that deep understanding between them.

I am so sorry for what you’ve been through too. Thank you for your kind words.

@LittleMG your little one sounds so precious. You know, some times we have to take it a day at a time, and other times it is about just getting through to the next minute.

There are always regrets, things we wish we have said or done differently. You did the best you were capable of in that moment. It’s not possible for us to always know when to push harder, or when to take a breath and leave the responsibility to someone else for a second. Still, I am sorry that you feel like this. When those thoughts come up, can you also go and search for a memory when you made a positive difference? Gave your mum a hug at just the right time, made her laugh, made her happy? I bet there are many of those.

What a lovely, kind response. You sound just the right person to be doing the job you are doing. Wonderful caring advice. So sorry to read of your terrible sadness LittleMG, it breaks my heart to read it and I'm very scared of ever feeling that pain.

I haven't read the whole thread, I will, but when I have time to myself. I wanted to say, firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss, and also thank you. I lost my DD a few years ago, my DS was 3,he's now 8 and organisations like yours are so important. Even more so now than at the time. DS struggles more now as he begins to process it. Unfortunately we aren't in the UK, so we don't have as much access, but thank you.