AMA with divorce expert Amanda Bell

[SophiaCMumsnet]

Hi everyone,

We’re pleased to announce that Amanda Bell, Divorce Expert and Co-Founder of SeparateSpace, the award winning online platform for divorce, will be doing an AMA this evening.

Before founding SeparateSpace (www.separatespace.co.uk) , Amanda was a Legal 500 recommended family lawyer at the market leading law firm, Withers LLP. She helped hundreds of clients sort out their finances and parenting arrangements following separation.
In 2022, Amanda co-founded SeparateSpace to help people understand the divorce and financial separation process and make informed decisions about the way forward.

As she explains, “The problem is that divorce is confusing and lawyers are expensive. People find themselves struggling with decisions about finances and children, worried about taking a wrong step they’ll regret. They’re left feeling powerless and stressed out. At SeparateSpace we believe it shouldn’t be this hard.”

That’s why Amanda and her team have channelled their decades of combined experience across law, finance, therapy and psychology into an affordable online platform. SeparateSpace provides expert support so people know what to do and how to do it (and save on legal fees).

Amanda will be answering questions about divorce, financial separation and co-parenting this evening between 5pm and 7pm. Please post your questions below.

As always, please remember our guidelines - one question per user, follow-ups only if there’s time and most questions have been answered, and please keep it civil.

Thanks,
MNHQ

Answers are intended to be information for people in England and Wales. This information doesn't qualify as legal, tax, accounting or financial advice. If you are uncertain about your position, you should obtain professional specialist advice.
Get help with domestic abuse
If your partner makes you feel anxious, threatened, or unable to express yourself, you may be in an abusive relationship. Domestic abuse can happen at any point in a relationship, and is often hard to recognise.
If you think you might be experiencing domestic abuse:

• Seek out support. See list of organisations with free help.
• You may be eligible for legal aid. Check if you can get legal aid.

A warm hello to anyone looking at this thread! It's Amanda here and I'm ready to help with any questions you might have

Hi Amanda, Thank you for doing this on a Friday evening. Something that gets talked about lots on Mumsnet is ‘having your ducks in a row’ re money, info etc when thinking about a divorce. Do you have a checklist of things you’d encourage people to think about/make sure they know before they ask their partner for a divorce? Thanks again !

Thanks for this question. Yes, people often feel overwhelmed when they're dealing with a divorce - and everything can feel very out of control. There are some important steps you can take in the early days to get your ducks in a row and help yourself feel a bit more in control. We have a checklist you can download for free here: https://www.separatespace.co.uk/smarter-start-to-separation-essential-checklist

The kind of things you might need to think about are:

• Agreeing how you're going to manage short term living arrangements.
• Sorting out a short term budget to pay for living expenses while you sort out the divorce.
• Taking steps to protect any money in joint accounts.
• Telling the kids what's going on - which is at the forefront of most parents' minds in these early days.

Hi Amanda, thanks for your post - do you have any suggestions for how I can tell our kids that we're separating? I'm really worried about how they'll react - they're aged 6 and 8. Thanks

Hi, thanks for this question. Telling the kids what's happening is one of the things parents worry about most. I hope you're doing ok.

If you and your ex can tell them together, that's helpful. I know this isn't possible for everyone so if it's not going to work for you, don't worry. Whether you tell them together or not, try to agree a narrative or script with your ex.

Be as neutral as possible with what you tell them - children don't need to know why the marriage is ending.

Also, try to be concise and direct. It's ok to use words like 'separating' and 'divorce'.

We've got some age appropriate scripts written by child psychologists on SeparateSpace which you might want to have a look at.

Hi Amanda . Thankyou for your time this evening .
My mum 81 is going through an acrimonious divorce following domestic violence by her husband ( my stepdad ) . Despite a high earning job from which he is now retired he has been in debt his whole life ( he has also squandered his small pension ) so their property was put legally in her sole name .

What is the starting point for a split in assets please , without dependent children is it 50/50 ?

Can temporary arrangements be made in respect of lower maintenance payments whilst the sale of the family home is dealt with? (Briefly ex remains in family home and does eow, I am paying half the mortgage plus rent to my parents and need the house to be sold to purchase property. I am conscious that bills will be more difficult whilst house is sold so would consider less than base rate cms calculation with expectation this will increase. He has yet to pay anything) thank you for answering on a Friday night.

Hi, this sounds really tough for your mum, and for you too. I hope you're both doing ok.

One immediate thought is that your mum may be eligible for legal aid. You can check here: https://www.gov.uk/check-legal-aid. There are also charities that may provide help, many of which have excellent free helplines. There's a link to a list of resources in the intro post above.

On to your question about the finances, the starting point when dividing the assets will be the needs of your mum and also of your stepdad. Needs covers everything required for day to day living and top of the list is what's required to be housed.

The fact that the house is your mum's name doesn't mean that she will keep it, if it's the only asset then every effort will be made to stretch the resources to try to make sure neither of them are without housing.

The debt will be taken into account, it won't be ignored.

Hi Amanda, thanks for taking the time to do a Q+A. A lot of the time women seeking advice on Mumsnet are reluctant to end relationships because of their fears about how child custody will work out - is it true that in most cases now a family judge would start from a basis of 50:50?

You and your ex are able to agree whatever you like in respect of maintenance in the short term. From your question, I can tell that you know there is a government formula for child maintenance (provided the paying parent doesn't earn over £156k). In the future, you'll still be able to go to the CMS and get a calculation for child maintenance using the government formula. If you can't agree an amount for child maintenance, then the default position is the CMS formula.

Just coming back on the question above about telling a 6 and 8 year old about separation. Here's an example script you might like to adapt to suit you and your children:

“A grown up decision has been made. Mummy and Daddy are going to live separately.

Some things will stay the same and some things will be different.

Things that will stay the same are:

• Our love for you. We love you very much.
• Your bedtime. You still need to be in bed by __ pm.
• Your friends. It is okay to tell your friends about this change in our family. It is also okay to keep it private if you are not ready to talk to them about it. It is your choice.
• Your school. We have told the school to let them know about this change. A lot of other children who attend your school have parents that live separately.
• Your family. Your aunts, cousins, grandparents, and siblings will stay the same. They love you so much and you will still see them often.

And here are some things will will be different:

• The house. Right now, you have one house that we all live in together. Soon [give a specific timeline] your dad and I will live in different homes. That means you will live in two houses and share your time between mum’s house and dad’s house. We will create a calendar together so that you have a very good idea of where you will be, and when. Let’s plan to buy some toys so that you have some at one house, and some at the other.
• The way that we spend time together. Your dad and I plan to live at our separate houses. This means that when you are with dad, you won’t be with me at the same time, and this is different. Different can sometimes be difficult. It is normal to miss one parent while you are at the other house and we'll think about ways to help you feel better if you are missing one of us.
• There might be other things that you notice are different. Some things will be the same and others will change. We can keep updating this list together."

Hi Amanda, do you think that there is any undercurrent of misogyny or unconscious bias which affects the legal outcome of divorce proceedings? I have a friend going through proceedings at the moment, and the response of the judge to her STBXH is noticeably different to the way that she is treated, to the point that her solicitor and barrister have both commented to her on it.

Thanks for the question about how children's time is split following a separation. I've also seen many people worried about this. Thanks for asking the question.

It's not the case that there's automatically a 50/50 split of the children's time. The starting point is always what's in the best interests of the child. There is a presumption that it is in the child’s best interests to have both of their parents playing an active role in their life (so long as there are no safeguarding concerns).

So, as long as there are no safeguarding concerns, and the practicalities are workable, then it's increasingly common for children as they get older to spend time that approaches an equal split across the week and holidays with each parent.

That said, each family situation is unique and what is in the best interests of one child will be quite different to another. What is happening on the ground now will be an important factor and so will the question of what's practically workable.

I didn't come across this when I was practising as a lawyer, but I'm worried to hear that this is the case for your friend- I imagine her legal team will be raising it as anything like this should be called out.

I think this thread will be closed by mumsnet HQ in the next minute or so! Thank you for your questions. I hope that the answers have been helpful and I'm wishing you all good weekends. Amanda x

Thankyou Amanda x

Thanks so much for answering these questions, Amanda.

We're going to close the thread now.