Mum of 1 neurotypical, 1 ASD Nonverbal AMA

[HonestZebra]

I've seen a lot of threads lately around ASD children and I think a AMA will possibly be helpful to some who feel they can't ask the questions they want to ask IRL in fear of being judged or deemed ignorant. I have a 4 year old NT and a 7 year old ASD Non-verbal with global development delay so see both sides of the parenting coin daily. So AMA and I'll try my best.

I know several people who grew up with an ND sibling and they have ended up resenting their parents due to them feeling as if they were not as important as their siblings. Do you have a plan so that your NT child doesn’t feel excluded?

Our NT child has their own clubs and hobbies which we actively encourage and always go to to ensure they have a seperate part of their lives just for them which we think will play and important part in them feeling their needs are important. The children won't go the same school so they will very much lead their own lives albeit very seperate but we do feel this will help also. Our NT child is too young atm to understand their siblings needs but we will always make it very clear the complexity of the situation as they become older but don't intend to ask them to care of look after their sibling by any means. It's a difficult one to juggle but we will try our best.

Were you worried about having a second child who was also ND? X

Yes we were worried about having a 2nd child with ND as the spectrum is so wide we didnt know how we or our ND child would manage. If I'm honest is very much the reason why we won't be having a 3rd child as we need to prioritise the 2 we have so we can do seperate things if needed as there are 2 of them and 2 of us.

Same reason we decided to stop at 1!

I see families who have 4/5 ND children and honestly, hats off because I couldnt manage.

Yeah I agree some families cope fantastically and have plenty of support and as you say hats of to them. But for us personally it would have been irresponsible to our children to have more even though we wanted to. I'm very lucky to have the 2 I have.

Apologies for this poorly worded question, I hope you will understand where I'm coming from even if you don't have an answer!

Do you have a conscious 'goal' for each child eg with a child comfortable in mainstream education a parent might have a goal like 'I want them to be happy and learn skills to have successful work and relationship/social life'. Then if there's pressure or opportunity to learn something you can imagine if it will help them in the long run (learning to read for example) even if not always fun. Or indeed something which is purely fun and social which will help them be happy!

I am asking because I have a 10yo ND child (ASD but not nonverbal with areas of delay but not global) and I'm struggling to find a yardstick especially re educational experience.

That's a really great question!

When we sent our ND child to school (they go to a SEN school and it's fantastic) we were asked by the headteacher and class teacher what our goals for them were, and we both said 'we just want them to be happy and we really want to work on a form on communication in whatever form that may be I.e. Pecs, makaton etc. These goals remain the same in terms of importance we would really love for them to talk and if a genie came and I had 1 wish it would be that.

Long term the school is working with us on living and social independence and will be a strong focus as they get older, the school doesn't follow national curriculum so focus solely on each child's needs and that will be a lot of work for us all but we remain hopeful that they will have a very full and rich life with many of the things we all enjoy just maybe slightly adapted.

Our NT child's path is very much set around their very much loved sporting hobby and getting them a good education so they can be happy and independent.

I hope this answers your question please ask again if you need me to clarify or elaborate.

That is extremely helpful and thought provoking. Thank you.

It's a good question to ask if there was one thing you could ask a genie for because it taps into a deep intuition about what will make the biggest difference to someone's life.

I think as our child grows, learns and changes our hopes and aspirations will change too. We met a child psychologist a few years ago when we were applying to get a EHCP and she told me "I've been working with children with ASD for 35 years and a good piece of advice is never to set unachievable expectations for who your child is today and then you just go from there" and we really thought ok let's just take this one day and a time and it helped us not focus on the big picture stuff and the things they can't do and focus on the small things they can and that are achievable.