I raised a child with antisocial personality disorder

[Poodlean]

I was not sure about doing this but I did wonder if it can help to clarify questions and maybe misconceptions that people have.
My child is an adult now, and I am
looking back at some experiences and wish I had had more information back then. I’m happy to answer questions if I can.

How was the birth itself and the bonding when tiny? Was there any head injuries as a toddler. Thank you for opening this up, I have worked in this area and many displaying this behaviour had suffered a head injury, seemingly not serious while others had a demand avoidant autism presentation. I'm sorry you have had difficulties with your DC, 2 things can be true at the same time, loving your child but accepting you can't be around them.

Did he ever show signs of compassion when he was little (instinctively, not as learned behaviour)? Did he hug and say he loved you, or help others, or want to rescue sick animals etc?

Yes, I think there is. Sadly, I think it’s rooted in his father simply not being very good, whilst DH (other DC father) is very good. He loves DS1 as his own and has never treated him differently, but DS knows he isn’t biologically related and that’s enough to make him angry, insecure and upset, IMO.

I’m holding on for the slight maturing too. He’s caused so much pain to so many people around him, it’s going to take a long time to try and mend it. But he won’t ever understand his fault in things, he never has, it’s always everybody else’s fault and he is blameless. It’s been that way since he was very, very young.

Really shy or has anxiety is all I can think of as excuses. The motivation might be different but this is a behaviour that people with social anxiety or ASD can also display. It was interesting seeing it here as a symptom of a personality disorder. Verbalising about it would just make my DD feel worse and go mute for longer so I rarely say anything.

Sorry, I forgot to say, thank you for answering.

It was more than slaps but hands and fists only. It was his father that he really went for when older but that was shortly before he left.

Yes he had committed crimes as adult, and he had had to face some of them. I think there are some he got away with, and that I don’t know about (or want to)

I have a son with this diagnosis too.

His first diagnosis was borderline personality disorder, which was bad enough, he was 22 when this first came to light. Then they re-thought and said autism, now we are here. It has been very very tough. On him and me.

My sympathies OP

There were no head injuries. He was a healthy and happy baby from all I know and very low maintenance. It was when DC2 arrived that we had our hands full because he had been fairly easy. He has always been dreadfully jealous though.

@LeviOsaNotLeviosaa The inability to accept accountability never went away. He’d accept it when needed because I’d be beneficial, but then turn it back around. I have leaned to accept that he cannot and will not change. Hoping for change is what causes most pain because you are the one who ends up disappointed.

What makes you think there is such as thing as a "personality disorder"? What does it mean to you?

Is he happy about who he is, or does he wish he was wired the same as everyone else? Does he regret that he can't have "normal" human relationships and connections?

(It's sought).

What makes you think there isn't?

I honestly don’t know. I know that he gets very frustrated but he also lashes out and blames others for his misfortune a lot. There is a lot of anger inability to face his own actions.

That sounds incredibly difficult for you and your husband. Are you two both on the same page regarding your son?

Do you have any relationship with the person he's involved with? How is he with work? Is he able to keep a job for long?

I hope your younger child is able to recover and form good relationships.

💐

Does he agree he has the personalty disorder? And what does it mean to him?

I’m sorry for having overlooked you post. Yes I have had counselling and it’s been absolutely worth it, and I would recommend it to everyone going through anything like this. I did it too late because I had been ashamed, and I wish I had done it sooner. I still feel guilt though.

Was he ever assessed for other conditions? Autism or ADHD?

I don’t know details about his relationships now, and I don’t ask but they are generally not very solid sadly.
He doesn’t acknowledge the disorder or the need to treat it with therapy. I know that he did it for a while but I don’t think he stuck with it. It’s quite sad really because I can’t do anything about it.

LeviOasaNotLeviosaa

"Yes, I think there is. Sadly, I think it’s rooted in his father simply not being very good, whilst DH (other DC father) is very good. He loves DS1 as his own and has never treated him differently, but DS knows he isn’t biologically related and that’s enough to make him angry, insecure and upset, IMO. "

I have the same situation. Ds's biological dad neglected ds and moreover was emotionally abusive to him. His stepdad (my dh) is beyond an excellent parent to his own kids in every way- I don't think I've encountered a better parent. He's also great to ds, who I'm sure wishes he was his 'real dad". Who knows how it's affected him as he internalises everything and has never opened up to me despite my efforts.

How old are your DC? What’s the age gap between them?

@LePetitMarseillias It is very bad manners to correct people in this way.

I never understand why so many grammar/spelling pedants have appalling manners!

Thank you for posting. Was there any role of drugs / alcohol for your son?

Sorry I missed a few questions.
He was never as affectionate as his sister and particularly didn’t want anyone touching him or being picked up apart from my husband and I. Looking back he did show a lack of compassion but it really wasn’t that noticeable. Obviously we missed a lot. DC2 is 2 is younger than him. They arr both in their late 30s now.

He has never fully opened up to me, and even less to his father. He did open up more to his therapist who shared concerning information with us. We were both upset, and still are, that he never told us and how he came up with such thoughts at a young age. The only thing I feel “good” about is that we got him help when he was young.

He has abused alcohol and drugs before, but he did not have addiction problems as far as I know.

I can think of one explanation, but it would be poor form to mention. We just all need to try and be forgiving of each other's foibles. Didn't mean to derail.

what do you hope for for the future?