I cannot afford counselling so I am on here. I need some help with a few things. Basically I have no siblings. My parents were not the greatest. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother was verbally abusive to me as a teenager onwards. Becuse of my home situation I became very shy and introverted and could not easily make friends and was bullied at each and every school I went to. Even when I was 6 years old and was first in line to queue up for dinner at school I was told by a teacher no you cannot be first let someone else so the teacher made me move down the line. I was very disappointed because all the children wanted to be first and it was a race to leaave the classroom to line up and I ran as fast as i couldd to be first in the queue and made it only to be told no.
I have never been able to properly bond with men. I thought that meant I was a lesbian but I knew I wasnt beause I could still fancy a man but I started fancying femles because i thought they understood me better and had the sme bodies etc. I have hardly ever been intimate with a man despite having had boyfriends. I started going out to gay clubs ecause i truly thought I was gay or at least bisexual. I never got a girlfriend. After a while I gave up on going out to lesbian bars and clubs and decided that I was straight after all but still got nowhere with men. I am now questioning my sexuality again because I came across a female that I liked the look of and we talk from time to time when I see her but I am not sure if she is gay. I know she is not married. This is all a mess I have no idea what I want. I have no parents left anymore and have no contact with my extended family because they are not the kind of people I want to associate with and we have never been a close knit family