My ex husband went on a domestic abusers course

[Shhhhivegotasecret]

Thought this might be a useful topic for women who’s husbands have been /should be referred AMA

What did it teach him?
What has the outcome been?

I hope you're ok.

It made him more self reflective, it was a 40 week course and it seemed to focus on teaching him how to show care and try and manage his anger.
outcome was it was too late and I left him a couple of years after he has finished but I still think all the old behaviour was still there underneath and I have seen flashes of it over the years

Do you think that some men do the course because it's ordered by a court?

Yes absolutely- the course my exh went on was the same course with many men there who had been court ordered to attend

I'm glad you've left him, I don't believe those courses fundamentally change a person as methods of abuse as so varied.

I've also read a piece by someone who used to run one of these courses & he eventually realised it wasn't achieving the change in the men it intended to, when it came down to it, the men knew what they were doing & admitted they did it because it got them what they wanted.

I hope you're safe from him now & that this thread means you're healing 🙏

BBRP?

I used to run courses like that, very few men who weren’t court ordered. The ones who attended “voluntarily” were basically there because a partner had given them an ultimatum. Most were just ticking the box tbh, occasionally you would see someone have a lightbulb moment which made the job worthwhile but it wasn’t often.

Thank you - yes am safe and extremely happy nowadays (to the point where I constantly expect something to go wrong because I can’t believe how happy I am and how things have turned out) my exh went voluntarily after a pretty horrific incident and where I had left him and taken our newborn with me ..

You should do an AMA - you must have some pretty interesting and helpful experience. I always raise an eyebrow when it’s suggested on here someone needs ‘anger management’ I think they know full well how to manage their anger they choose not to

How is your relationship now @Shhhhivegotasecret?

Did you do the Freedom Programme? I did a course run by my local Women's Aid which was based on it and found it really helpful. It made me realise that all of my relationships had been abusive in one or more ways. I am now very happy being single. 😁

My exH was sentenced to 18 months for trying to burn down the family home as a punishment for trying to leave him. He was released on licence after 9 months but completing the BBR course was part of his licence conditions.
I have no contact (15 year injunction) so it doesn't affect me, but I know he has a new partner. She has had a full Clare's Law disclosure but she is still with him, but I worry about her teenage daughters (she has two)
I think my question is, do you think he can really be rewired from the conviction that everyone is to blame except him, and that he is vastly superior to everyone else. The behaviour is so ingrained.
While I am much happier single, I do have guilt that none of my three adult DDs want to have any contact with him, that they have no dad - and he seems to have easily replaced them with a new "family" . I can just imagine the narrative he gives to his new DP - how we all turned against him.
As an eg of the type of victimhood - in our divorce, he wanted a bigger share of the house (the one he tried to burn down) because it was my fault he now had a criminal record. Can that kind of attitude really be changed?

Our relationship is extremely cordial now - the children have only seen us get on fine and we put them first. I don’t react now when he is clearly in a fighting mood mostly because I am completely emotionally detached.
i didn’t do the freedom course but did one to one counselling that was included as part of the 40 week course he went on.
no - I don’t think they can ever really change - it’s hardwired into them, my exh was certainly better after the course but he also went on SSRI’s which made the most difference. Since we split he stopped taking them and I can see all the underlying volatility is still there

I don't think so, no, if it's that bad.

OP, do you think he genuinely changed or just learned to 'perform' nice.

The aim is to change behaviours and problem solving skills/ emotional regulation rather than changing people themselves. It’s just not possible to do that, particularly if it’s mandated.

So basically, the course is pointless and doesn't change anything? I appreciate you're trying to share your experience but you're basically saying my ex went on this course and we get on fine now but he's still volatile and I think he's dangerous. So the only possible learning I can get from this thread is that if a man I know goes on a course like this, it's pointless.

No I don’t think he is ‘dangerous’ although that’s a scale isn’t it. I started it as I see a lot of women on Mumsnet talking about husbands needing ‘anger management’ I do think it gives some coping strategies but don’t think (in my experience) it has changed him. We get on fine because I left and emotionally detached if I had stayed I think the children would have seen an abusive relationship and had to live with that.

At the beginnng I thought he had changed but over time I have seen all the underlying mindset is still there ..

My ExH has always been able to present very well. If you met him down the pub (early in the day before he got too trashed anyway) - anyone would say what a lovely bloke he is. He posts all over the local FB page being all helpful and community minded.
It was only to me and the DDs he was a proper nasty bastard.