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AMA

My ex was a grooming gang member AMA

57 replies

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 06:51

I’ll answer literally anything, well my ex, I was underage and he was older than me by 5 years

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Notjustfish · 21/11/2023 06:54

Did he groom you? Xx

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 07:02

Notjustfish · 21/11/2023 06:54

Did he groom you? Xx

He definitely did yes, he groomed me to use me to gain access to my friends which I did not realise at the time, I then became a tool of humiliation to my friends and he ended up being quite violent towards me and verbally abuse when I didn’t willingly join in with him

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Noicant · 21/11/2023 07:13

Were you living at home at the time? Were your family around?

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 07:18

Noicant · 21/11/2023 07:13

Were you living at home at the time? Were your family around?

I was living at home at the time and my family were around but my relationship with him was a secret so nobody knew about him

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Worldgonecrazy · 21/11/2023 07:25

Sorry if this sounds wrong or harsh, but do you really think of him as your ‘ex’ or is that a way of framing the horrific things that happened to you and your friends to make it easier to deal with?

I know you may have genuinely thought of him as a boyfriend at the time, but now looking back with more adult eyes, what are your thoughts?

Harrysutton · 21/11/2023 07:32

Was he convicted?

Mombie · 21/11/2023 07:35

How did you meet? What happened to your friends, are you still friends?

ApolloandDaphne · 21/11/2023 07:39

Did you have to give evidence in court?

madeinmanc · 21/11/2023 07:39

Knowing what you know now, how would you protect your own daughters from this kind of harm?

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:02

Worldgonecrazy · 21/11/2023 07:25

Sorry if this sounds wrong or harsh, but do you really think of him as your ‘ex’ or is that a way of framing the horrific things that happened to you and your friends to make it easier to deal with?

I know you may have genuinely thought of him as a boyfriend at the time, but now looking back with more adult eyes, what are your thoughts?

I’ll be honest it was hard for me to actually come to terms with the fact that I had been groomed, I thought this man loved me, I thought he was going to have my back the entire time. But deep down, and I know this sounds awful, I still have love for him, there’s times I really do miss him (obviously because of the love bombing and how good he made me feel) and when I refer to him as an ex, it was mainly because he made me feel I was on top of the world, I thought “wow what happened, he was capable of so much good he showed me that but what he did was in such stark contrast my brain just can’t process it.” Not to mention he made me feel like I was responsible for what happened to those girls and for his actions towards me, he made me feel like an accomplice so I never believed I had been groomed till very recently when someone said to me “look, you were a child too, he groomed you to hurt you and to gain access through your friends”.

As an adult, I definitely realise it wasn’t a genuine relationship, that he used me for his own twisted sick motives but to this day he is still obsessed with me despite causing so much devastation. It really is a mind fuck, I can’t say I hate him 100%, it’s more 95%. He brainwashed me so much.

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Newsenmum · 21/11/2023 08:05

How old were you? I’m so sorry this happened. Is he still out there? I can’t understand men like this.

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:07

Harrysutton · 21/11/2023 07:32

Was he convicted?

No he isn’t convicted of the crimes against us, he has other convictions but there may potentially be an upcoming case depending on whether we want to. I think the girls who were my friends just wanted to put it behind them but I do know that we want to do it at one point and will defend each other come what way, it’s just so painful to revisit that we need to access more therapy before we actually go onto reporting properly because we will just end up relapsing. I was asked if I wanted to be a witness instead but it’s just not the right time, we don’t feel ready, we all have complex mental health issues we can’t deal with a case right now

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Worldgonecrazy · 21/11/2023 08:07

@Libertyy thank you for your honesty. I hope you are slowly moving forward away from this awful situation you are still being damaged by.

You were used, that doesn’t make you complicit. I’m so sorry that you are still dealing with this horrible situation.

GoingOffOnATangent · 21/11/2023 08:09

Why have you started this thread? Isn't it traumatic to rake over it?

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:14

Mombie · 21/11/2023 07:35

How did you meet? What happened to your friends, are you still friends?

I met them all online, the girls included and our perpetrator and they met through me which is why for the longest time in my life I felt so guilty because he told me that it was my fault, that I was the reason the girls got groomed. My friends were passed around to multiple men and one in particular who was my best friend who I felt so betrayed by because she chose our perpetrator over me because he made her choose and even after everything had stopped she still went on to having a baby boy with him and was pregnant with her second. She ended up passing away about 6 weeks ago while pregnant, she told me she was so sorry that she should have listened to me and chose me but I told her I was so hurt I couldn’t deal with it and couldn’t forgive her. He groomed her while being in a “relationship” with me. Looking back I probably did have feelings for her which is why it hurt me so much but me and her were the most brainwashed out of all of them

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Newsenmum · 21/11/2023 08:15

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:14

I met them all online, the girls included and our perpetrator and they met through me which is why for the longest time in my life I felt so guilty because he told me that it was my fault, that I was the reason the girls got groomed. My friends were passed around to multiple men and one in particular who was my best friend who I felt so betrayed by because she chose our perpetrator over me because he made her choose and even after everything had stopped she still went on to having a baby boy with him and was pregnant with her second. She ended up passing away about 6 weeks ago while pregnant, she told me she was so sorry that she should have listened to me and chose me but I told her I was so hurt I couldn’t deal with it and couldn’t forgive her. He groomed her while being in a “relationship” with me. Looking back I probably did have feelings for her which is why it hurt me so much but me and her were the most brainwashed out of all of them

This is so awful I’m so sorry. was he targeting through social media? Where these men his friends?

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:18

@Mombie And some girls I’m still friends with but it is so strained and others I don’t speak to anymore because he basically cut them off from me and they didn’t want reminders of what happened, he really tore us apart

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socks1107 · 21/11/2023 08:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:22

ApolloandDaphne · 21/11/2023 07:39

Did you have to give evidence in court?

I have been asked if I would like to make a witness statement and I said no not at the moment but we would want to eventually reconsider this so we will eventually give evidence in court. It’s so hard when a lot of the evidence has actually been destroyed by the perpetrators (I.e, being forced to have a bath and shower after abuse etc)

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Cupofnothing · 21/11/2023 08:26

I'm so sorry you went through all this, OP.
I have many questions as I believe my own daughter was most likely groomed by her partner who is 20 years her senior.
What was your family life like when you met him and were you feeling isolated already? Did you keep him a secret from your friends as well, or just from your family?

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:35

madeinmanc · 21/11/2023 07:39

Knowing what you know now, how would you protect your own daughters from this kind of harm?

I would say firstly education is a must. Educate your daughters (and your sons), please tell them the warning signs, let them know that if they’re seeing people being hurt or held against their will or they’re being made to do things to people, to please tell the family, tell anyone they’re trust because they’re not going to get into trouble. Don’t just teach them the whole stranger danger narrative or the men in white vans wanting to snatch them outside school because a lot of them are actually people they’re close to, their friends, their family, family friends, teachers at school and friends they’ve made online, a lot of exploitation happens online, perpetrators blur the boundaries between themselves and the victims so nothing ever feels “wrong” until it’s too late and even then you’re so glued to your abuser that they’re everything you think you need so you don’t listen to anyone who is advising you not to go off with then.

A lot of these girls have other vulnerabilities, they’re in care or they’re from broken families, those cases are so much more complex so it’s harder to comment on those. But with my own daughters, I would talk to them about what happened to me, actually teach them what a good relationship is, what a relationship is, how to recognise what a bad relationship is, and who can’t be in a relationship with them, I’d teach them consent and I would have to model a healthy relationship to my daughters, teach them boundaries, how to recognise if someone is pushing their boundaries, have an open book with them so that if they’re feeling like they’re lacking something that we can help to fix it because there’s horrible people in this world that will temporarily fill it and then betray you in the worst way possible. I’m from a household where this was never spoken about, I’m not expected to date just to marry.

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Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:37

Newsenmum · 21/11/2023 08:05

How old were you? I’m so sorry this happened. Is he still out there? I can’t understand men like this.

He is very much still alive and out there unfortunately, I was 13/14 when this happened.

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Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:42

GoingOffOnATangent · 21/11/2023 08:09

Why have you started this thread? Isn't it traumatic to rake over it?

It feels more empowering to speak about it in the sense that I actually have a choice to talk about it and to maybe explain why victims may be behaving the way they are because a lot of the times unless you have gone through gang abuse it’s so hard to understand the why’s and the how’s, I can speak freely without him contesting what I’m saying, adding lies and blaming me - the reasons I couldn’t cope with a case right now but a thread is easier

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LadyScribe · 21/11/2023 08:45

OP is this an Asian situation? The Rochdale cases have been in the news again.
I know it happens in English suburbs as well. Those Yorkshire examples were organised and affected so many victims and families.

Libertyy · 21/11/2023 08:50

Newsenmum · 21/11/2023 08:15

This is so awful I’m so sorry. was he targeting through social media? Where these men his friends?

Yes he was targeting through social media, he was targeting in shisha lounges, he was befriending people then grooming their families into accepting him then it all spiralled out of control. A few were his friends, The men were either people he owed debts to, or other perpetrators who made money off them but I actually knew some of them - they were from lovely families who have good reputations. Loads of drugs and alcohol involved. He was a victim who turned into a perpetrator and he told me he wanted me to do the same.

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