I am an autistic senior lawyer at an international law firm

[iamautistic]

Didn't suspect I was autistic until my thirties, didn't know for sure until my forties. It's pushed me on as much as it's held me back and I'm not yet reconciled to seeing it as a disability. I haven't "come out" yet, but my OH knows. Ask me anything.

@Helpusnow23 apologies for my sexist assumption that your teen is a son. I guess I would say that you should try not to worry too much, though as you may know Uni may not all be plain sailing. Living in house shares and navigating new friendships is very difficult with autism and she may need more support than she thinks she wants. I would strongly advise against an arts degree. It's what I did and I just had way too much unstructured time on my hands, which was painful as I struggled to join groups and find things to do. With hindsight, I wish I had done something that would have filled my week with 20+ hours of tuition, and would have led to a handful of close friendships with closely proximate classmates.

My parents used to joke that I didn't say much until I was three and then wouldn't stop. I feel your pain with SALT (and CAMHS). The services are useless, basically because they are used by non-voters (children), so it's where all the NHS cuts have landed the worst. I will not forgive the Conservative Party for the smoking ruins they leave behind (I'm politically a centrist). I hope your child gets the support needed.

@iamautistic no apologies needed. I know we need to move to a diagnosis, but she’s not there yet. We have after a long wait found a wonderful psychologist who is helping us all as a family. We are all learning at this point as to what works and what doesn’t. All we can do is take one day at a time.

History is her thing…interesting point re arts degrees. Thank you for the insight. Will keep this in mind when we are going through that process. Got GCSEs to fathom first!

@INTERNETEXPL0RER I am male. I am on this forum as I have three children that I parent, one with serious SEN. And I find many of the threads helpful. Autism pushed me on because I have a capacity for single mindedness and determination that helped me in youth to break free from pretty humble/limited origins. Now I'm not special in that regard, but I believe my autism was a part of it. It's not just career, it's taking on other projects that might daunt others but I just get a bit obsessed and then do it (for better or worse). But I do still wish my life had been easier socially. As I said at the start, I'm reconciling myself to autism as a disability (and me as disabled). Now I don't expect everyone to feel the same way. And I do also think of myself as ND. But I don't see the two as mutually incompatible. We may have to agree to disagree if our views don't align.

Some additional musings, albeit no one asked :

I don't respond well at all to authoritarian management styles. It leads to conflict with mangers. I can't do as I'm told very easily. And micromanagers cannot tolerate non-compliant workers who resist being controlled (even when they are getting results). I was "performance managed" at one firm for this despite great results for client before I knew it was part of my autistic tendency. It was perceived as me challenging the manager's authority.

My management style is coaching. I get irritated when people cannot fix on the goal, and go for it. But I'm not bothered how they get across the pitch. I encourage them to find their own ways, taking the bits they like best from people they have worked with and admire. I am lucky to be surrounded by extremely bright people so I think you should trust them.

I run a team of four. We make good money for the firm.

@iamautistic thanks for the thread. It’s very interesting.

I see you’ve been hassled a bit about ND/disability and which terminology to use, and I understand your perspective on that. As a parent in a similar situation, I wondered if you find it easier to consider your DC as ‘disabled’, and how the ways you think about your DC’s autism affects the way you think about your own?

I also wondered if you’d be willing to talk a bit about the ways that recognising your own autism affected your perception of your family and colleagues? Are there a lot of ND traits in your wider family? Did it affect your understanding of family relationships? Do you find you have a ‘radar’ for spotting ND colleagues now you know yourself?

What's the best style to use with you if working with as a peer on something you need to contribute to ?

I’m also at a city law firm and there are plenty of people on the spectrum here - even more so at the Bar. Often described as quirky.

The graduate recruitment person at one top 20 firm told me (a few years ago) that they were actively seeking out candidates with ASD as they regarded them as better suited to data handling and analysis (which is a significant part of large scale litigation).

Perceiving my son as disabled means I have to perceive myself the same way when I think about it logically. There are ND traits in my wider family on both sides of my marriage. Amongst the NTs at work, I feel inside like a stranger in a strange land. I don't know if they perceive me as ND. If I tell them, I wonder if they will tell me they always knew/suspected. I crave friendships and connections. I am not a solitary person in that way.

If your a client, you tell me your problem, I'll give you a range of options that may lead to a range of outcomes and I'll try to lay out the risks, costs and rewards. Once you pick, let me get on with it and I will deliver. Realise you are paying for the service not a fixed result.

If you are a junior, watch what I am doing and help me. Take ownership of the bits I delegate. If you are peer, collaborate and add to the pot. If you are a manager, focus on goals and big picture / align on strategy. Don't tell me how to do my job on delivery.

I have worked hard to suppress a tendency to ignore other people's ideas, or to see everyone as rivals rather than as colleagues. Likewise, I have trained myself to listen a bit more.

I am also a lawyer. I think loads of us are on the spectrum. There is something about the very demanding nature of the job that attracts those that hyperfocus.

I think many of my most successful colleagues over the years have been autistic (albiet very high functioning and able to mask to fit into the very narrow social behaviour expected).

Yes, and thank you for taking interest, but please understand that there is an unhelpful trope around autistic people as data statisticians. The skills of ND people are as varied as those amongst NT people. Not flaming you, it's just important to see each person on their own terms.

This is lovely advice. Thank you.

I have a friend (whose job I don't know but she got a PhD in a related subject from a well known Uni and works in the autism field) who tells me I'm autistic.

I have another friend who is a primary teacher with lots of experience who has also diagnosed me as autistic.

I don't think I am. Maybe I am? I'm convinced you can diagnose yourself with almost anything if you look hard enough.

I do watch other people and copy their behaviours.

I do have the object permanence thing going on (if I can't see it I forget it - this happens to people too 🙁)

Do you think that perhaps there are actually more people in the world who are ND and the numbers of NT people are fewer? It's just that we've built the world for NT people so it suits them better?

Maybe take a RAADS-R self assessment online if you want to pursue it. I don't feel qualified to assert a position on the prevalence of autism more widely. Part of my job is seeing when you lack the evidence for a safe conclusion. I do t have the evidence to say.

Do you think that you have PDA? We have a strong line of PDA running through our family and you "pretending" that you are at work or studying rang true for me, ha.

Has your DC had difficulties keeping a school place since the PDA diagnosis? Once that was on my DC's EHCP, every single school said they couldn't meet needs without even meeting DC. I'd imagine as a lawyer you'd fight that kind of mindset? Are you tempted to get into SEN law to fight for all the children with no school placement who are languishing at home while LA's pretend to look for a placement?

Deleted - wrong quote.

Possibly. My son was about to be permanently excluded in Y1. There was a managed move to a new setting. He is doing much better there. It was awful and very destructive. I see PDA as anxiety based. Pressure/demands create anxiety and cause shut downs. That is seen by NT people as obstinance.

It’s not my opinion! Just reporting on a recruiting strategy as told to me by another city firm.

is there a particular area of law you feel might suit someone on the spectrum? Or more th a one?

I imagine your job and field require a lot of resilience. Is there anything that you found has promoted the development of that resilience or did you feel that you got a good amount of support/ investment in your role that encouraged you to get to where to where you are now?

No. All areas of law are interesting. I think it depends on the person and the opportunities they have.

Brace for secondary, is all I can say. Primary with one teacher who understands triggers and might have TAs to help is a world away from secondary where there are sometimes rules with no rational basis and lots of unfairness as well as noise, pressured busy teachers, and time pressures for lunch and breaktimes with little time for bathroom breaks. Having an EHCP by then will give more options for specialist provisions to try to avoid the mentally destructive mainstream experience for PDAers. Sorry to derail but it is so important to be prepared and be ready to fight (Tribunal, LGO).

I've had a lot of skills training. But over the years, my resilience my own, from having survived this long. I'm basically Carole from The Walking Dead in that respect. You can either give up, curdle, or keep picking yourself up and throwing yourself back into the horde. Within this bad metaphor, I've had to amputate the odd bites limb along the way. But what's left is stronger.

Do you have a diagnosis?