AMA with psychotherapist and author of 'The Kids Are Crying Again', Annie Pesskin - 25th September

[NicolaDMumsnet]

We are pleased to announce that psychotherapist and author Annie Pesskin will be doing an AMA the evening of Monday 25th September in the wake of her new book ‘The Kids Are Crying Again’. Annie has drawn on 20+ years of marriage, 17+ years of parenting and 15 years of talking to adults and couples in her consulting room to write her book, which is unlike any other relationships book in that it offers actual words to say and ways to say them to reduce conflict in the home.

More about the book
Becoming a parent is one thing, but being a good enough parent is another thing altogether. Sustaining healthy relationships is hard, especially whilst navigating the difficulties of parenting. And whilst every relationship book says ‘Communicate better!’, what does that really mean? And how do you actually do it? ‘The Kids Are Crying Again’ not only contains a wealth of parenting advice, but also focuses on how to communicate better more generally, especially with your partner and offers practical advice.

Annie also has a website which offers free videos of couples arguing and then shows how the same issue should be resolved through negotiation rather than fighting. Through the website, Annie offers tools and techniques for individuals and/or couples to learn, to practice, to listen, to understand themselves and others better, to negotiate and to compromise. Her book ‘The Kids Are Crying Again’ builds on these techniques and explores them in more detail to help parents truly master their communication.

Please ask your questions from now - Annie will be returning on Monday evening to answer questions.

As always, please remember our guidelines - one question per user, follow-ups only if there’s time and most questions have been answered, and please keep it civil. Also if one topic is dominating a thread, mods might request that people don't continue to post what's effectively the same question or point.

Hello Annie 👋 nice to ‘meet’ you.
I have a question about my toddler please.
my toddler always cries while I am prepping him food, the closer to the food being ready the more he cries and yanks at my legs! He’s fine once h has his food.

he also cries a lot while getting shoes on to go out etc. but fine beforehand or as soon as we leave. It just seems the last bit before being ready. he just gets so impatient! Is this normal? Is it just impatience or something else. How can I help him learn patience? He’s 16 months?
thanks :) x

Hi. Our main issue with communication/conflict is that our son (11) is very rigid in thinking, sometimes unable/unwilling to take any other view into consideration, and can have meltdowns (he's been referred for ASD assessment).

We are constantly second guessing ourselves: did situation A result in us punishing something that he had no control over; did situation B result in us accommodating something (often to our detriment) that he was fully aware of and was just being naughty/selfish/crafty?

I never feel like we are getting it right. Do you have any advice, more in terms of us building our confidence and being more consistent?

There can’t be just one way to parent a child
But what in yr opinion works best in facilitating a happy competent offspring

Hi Annie,

Thank you for doing this. I'll admit I haven't read your book yet but it is on my list to read and I have had a look at the videos on the website which were very helpful. My issue is any argument me and my partner have always seems to end up reverting back to one specific issue - it feels like we are having the same fight over and over again. How can I encourage my partner to move on from the issue so it doesn't keep coming up?

Apologies for the vagueness -but essentially, how can we communicate better so we don't keep having the same fight.

Thanks.

Dear Mumsnetters,

I am SO pleased to be hosting this AMA and really hope you will test my knowledge and wisdom to help you with your relationship and parenting problems...

People are constantly talking at cross purposes. Words only have meaning in context. So if your partner's context is different, words will carry different meanings to you and them.

Let's take the word 'Mum' for example. Your 'Mum'? His 'Mum'? You as a 'Mum'? 'Mums' in general? See what I mean? The feelings relating to each of those usages of 'Mum' are different, but the word is the same. So without discussion and negotiation, these cross-purposes endure and the result can be upset and misery.

I am here until 9pm and the thread will stay open until tomorrow lunchtime so I can continue to offer thoughts and ideas in response to your questions until then.

Let the fun begin!

Yours,

Annie Pesskin

Dear Helpimgoingmadatmydp,

I feel for you.

I think all mums/partners will empathise with this problem.

So you keep having the same argument, over and over again. This must mean you are talking at cross purposes where you think you are saying a) and he is actually hearing b). Maybe the next time you find yourself there, stop yourself from responding in the way you usually do and paraphrase what you have heard him say, then say, 'Is this what you mean? Have it got it straight?'

If he says yes, ask yourself why his position is so untenable to you? Does it invalidate an important value you have? What is this value? Can you get to the bottom of your differences this way? Clarify his position and yours. It may be there is a deeper issue behind this argument which is really hard to talk about which is why you keep ending up in the same 'safe' argument. Repetitive arguments is so easy as a way of venting anger and feelings but it doesn't get you anywhere new.

You both need to be prepared to face truths about yourself, your partner, the world and how it plays out in your relationship. Identify your respective positions, negotiate your way out of the conflict and be prepared to cope with the issue behind the issue.

Good luck.

Yours,

Annie

Dear Brenin,

Are you a Welsh king/queen for I have heard that is what Brenin means?!

So your question relates to bringing up kids well.

The key thing to remember I think is that kids do what you are do, not what you say! Model the behaviour you want to see and your child will be kind and competent...

Without teasing them, make them wait for a reward then reliably give the reward so they learn to trust you (much like training a puppy!) When they have managed to wait, praise them and thank them.

Try to ensure you give 9 items of praise for every 1 criticism - our brains are wired to hear the negative more easily than the positive - so we must counter that by being full of upbeat messages and only occasionally chastise them.

I hope I have helped a bit. There are things you can do.

Yours,

Annie

Dear Sammi89,

Hi, thanks for your question.

I am primarily writing about adult to adult relationships in my book The Kids Are Crying Again and on my free website www.repairingrelationships.org.

But take heart, patience can be learned and taught. At your toddler's age they are learning about dependence and independence and testing his/her powers.
First you yourself must model patience. Children learn by copying. When doing anything with your toddler in earshot, pause while doing it, saying something like ''Silly mummy can't do that yet, I'll wait''. 5 seconds is enough, then say ''Well done Mummy! Waiting for x or y has made it better''.

Next. Find other things that he/she wants, that is not an obvious or expected struggle of wills. Perhaps a toy, story time, food, juice. Talk about offering it, ''Shall we have a story?'', ''Would you like a fruit?''. Gain attention but then say something like ''Woops I just forgot I must do this first''. Do something that looks important like the turning off the cooker. Start with a 5 second delay then progress to 10 etc. Then touch the child, make eye contact and say ''Well done, thank you for waiting WE had to make that cooker safe, here's your juice etc'' . You must deliver on your promise, don't tease, don't undermine trust.

Dealing with the food/shoes issues. Don't yourself leave it late, show impatience to get it done. Ask ''How are you feeling? Hungry, excited, cross, worried???'' Allow time for to the question to sink in, whatever it is, cuddle them and respond positively.

The toddler brain is developing very quickly. What I have described build the neural pathways and connection. Reward both getting and giving, bonding and trust. A book worth investigating is The Happiest Toddler on the Block! By Dr. Harvey Karp.

Good luck and keep at it - you will get there eventually! And remember, it is totally normal to really hate your kids sometimes when they are being really annoying! It doesn't make you a bad parent to feel that way (just don't tell them that you hate them!)

Yours,

Annie

Dear DuranNotSpandeau,

Hi, thanks for your question.

I am primarily writing about adult-to-adult relationships in my book and my free website www.repairingrelationships.org but I have some good ideas for you I hope in how to cope with your 11 year old being rigid.

I am going to divide your question into 2 parts.

First, you as a couple coping with tantrums/meltdown.

As a couple you must concentrate on each other and yourselves. Find/make time for each other. Love, touch, respect, try to avoid blame game conversation. Constant self-praise is not vanity if earned. It builds ''feel good'' chemicals in the brain like endorphins and oxytocin. You must do the best you can and praise each other for trying. As you probably know autism is a spectrum, many of the most successful people are/were ASD to some degree, e.g. Einstein, Darwin, Bill Gates etc. so don't despair.

Secondly you use the word ''meltdown'' and mention ASD so you have probably looked at:- https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences

My personal experience is limited in this area, but many of my often very clever patients benefit from limiting themselves to one problem at a time, not overloading inputs, keeping down external noise impingements (ear muffs help some), breathing, keeping their personal space tidy and in order, sticking to routines. As a parent you have the job of turning your child into an adult who can function in the world. If you are patient and keep on trying to help him develop competencies, you will prevail in the end. Think about how water carved the Grand Canyon. Little and often wins the race.

Good luck, I hope this helps a bit.

Yours,

Annie

Any tips for dealing with a husband who sulks? We've got 2 young children (baby and 2 yo) so leaving the house and going shopping for the day isn't an option. It happens whenever he gets overwhelmed, sometimes for days at a time. It happens whenever I bring up things which are hard to discuss, e.g. difficult decisions. He doesn't realize the huge impact it has on my sanity and when I've tried to tell him it leads to another sulk.

Dear Mammabear12345,

We can look at this in two ways. 1) Your husband might be on the autistic spectrum and you could ask yourself in what other ways does your husband's behaviour demonstrate this possibility? If you view him this way and it fits, then you might have to see him in need of help compared to 'normal' people. Thus his overwhelm might reflect his genuine distress and his 'sulk' may be the only way he knows to cope with his emotional overload. For more on this, see https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/ If this route is the right one, helping him face his diagnosis and get support for it might change the way you are able to talk about things together.

2. But if you have ruled out this possibility and in other domains he copes fine, then you may need to adopt a different approach. This is what I call EPIC on the free website I have made to support couples having a tough time (https://repairingrelationships.org/) and it stands for Every Pleasure Incurs Costs. If being reasonable and constructive (please see the Words that Help page on the website) is not working, your partner needs to understand that the perverse ‘pleasure’ derived from upsetting you incurs COSTS.

The ‘services’ you could withdraw in response to his refusing to talk properly about things might be shopping, cooking, washing; or you could invite a girlfriend home and be chatting happily when he expects his supper or to watch football on TV. You could even fit a lock on your bedroom door. One Agony Aunt suggested threatening to seduce his boss or best friend! But with two such tiny children, you obviously wouldn't want to rock the boat that much...

Can I suggest before doing any of this, you consult the Quick Quizzes page (https://repairingrelationships.org/quick-quizzes/) so you can identify very clearly your own wants, needs and values and then you can use this work to determine what you need at a minimum from him and what you are prepared to negotiate on.

I know lots of other Mums will sympathise with your situation and I really hope one of these pathways brings some progress. Having tiny children is really stressful and I feel for you, having had two girls only 19 months apart!

Good luck.

Yours,

Annie Pesskin

Thank you! This is really helpful. I wondered if I could also ask your advice about what to do when people avoid difficult conversations or attempts to have very honest conversations about issues and avoid taking accountability for their part.

I know these conversations are important so resentment doesn't build but what do I do when my partner just brushes me off when I try to have these conversations?

Thanks again

Dear Helpimgoingmadatmydp,

I am glad that my first answer was helpful. My website has a whole page devoted to Preparing for a Difficult Conversation (https://repairingrelationships.org/preparing-for-a-difficult-conversation/) which will help you set the stage for a tricky conversation.

If you do the things above and he still brushes you off, then I think it is time to go EPIC. EPIC stands for Every Pleasure Incurs Costs. If being reasonable and constructive (for more on this, see Words that Work page on the website https://repairingrelationships.org/men-in-relationships/) is not working, your partner needs to understand that the perverse ‘pleasure’ derived from upsetting you incurs COSTS.

The ‘services’ you could withdraw in response to his refusing to talk properly about things might be shopping, cooking, washing; or you could invite a girlfriend home and be chatting happily when he expects his supper or to watch football on TV. You could even fit a lock on your bedroom door. One Agony Aunt suggested threatening to seduce his boss or best friend!

You might not want to rock the boat that much but essentially your partner is getting away with brushing you off and there is little to stop him continuing to do so because his current strategy is working for him: ie. he gets to maintain the status quo. You need to change the current status quo so that he has a vested interest in hearing what you have to say and listening properly to it!

Can I suggest before doing any of this, you consult the Quick Quizzes page (https://repairingrelationships.org/quick-quizzes/) so you can identify very clearly your own wants, needs and values and then you can use this work to determine what you need at a minimum from him and what you are prepared to negotiate on.

I know lots of other Mums will sympathise with your situation and I really hope one of these pathways brings some progress.

Yours,

Annie

Thank you for your reply.🙂

Thank you so much for all your advice.
It is really helpful thanks!! I will try your suggestions and be oriented with it!
thanks again x