ND married to NT. Happily. AMA

[AuDHD4Me]

Just that
He's not my first husband. But we absolutely work.

[garlicandsapphires]

How do you define ND/NT? It seems such a broad spectrum that it's become almost meaningless IMO

[StandingMyGround888]

How did the relationship start? Did he know you were ND?

[CallieQ]

Who is ND and NT?

[sillyonehetpes]

What is ND and Etc

[sillyonehetpes]

NT*

[sunshineandtea]

Neuro divergent (ASD/ADHD) and neurotypical

[romaineleaf]

Do you have ND as part of your public identity? Is it known by your friends and family and work colleagues?

[Dacadactyl]

How does your neurodiversity "manifest" itself (for want of a better word)?

Do you have kids?

How long have you been married?

[DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder]

Why didn't you post this in the AMA section?

[AuDHD4Me]

I will try and answer these questions in the order they were asked.

We met through Work, and no, he did not know that I was neurodivergent but neither did I at that point.

My friends and family and work colleagues all know that I have ADHD and I'm autistic.

I guess that it manifests itself because I struggle with social interaction quite a lot, I mask very much but I'm quite an intelligent individual so I've perfected the art if you know what I mean.
That said, I don't have autistic meltdowns, but I do have shut downs where everything gets too much and I just go silent and can't communicate. At times, I can be anxious and inflexible, particularly with last-minute changes of plans.
We've been married 11 years this year and we have three children.
I wasn't aware there was an AMA section. Can I get this moved? Does anyone know?

[Star0Fire]

Report your post and asked for it to be moved. I've just reported and asked to move it to AMA board for you too

[Freeballing]

Is your partner happily married to you? One common feature that I see in NT/ND relationships is the ND person blissfully unaware of the unhappiness their partner is feeling in their marriage, even when issues are raised by the NT partner the ND partner still doesn't 'get' it and has a presumption that because they are fine with everything their NT partner must be too. I will admit that the people NT people I know in the situation are all women married to ND men so maybe this makes a difference, do you think that it does?

[thekindlyone]

@Freeballing

Is your partner happily married to you? One common feature that I see in NT/ND relationships is the ND person blissfully unaware of the unhappiness their partner is feeling in their marriage, even when issues are raised by the NT partner the ND partner still doesn't 'get' it and has a presumption that because they are fine with everything their NT partner must be too. I will admit that the people NT people I know in the situation are all women married to ND men so maybe this makes a difference, do you think that it does?

Is that actually common or have you just been reading the 'support' threads on here.

[AuDHD4Me]

@Star0Fire

Report your post and asked for it to be moved. I've just reported and asked to move it to AMA board for you too

Thanks so much!!!

[AuDHD4Me]

@Freeballing

Is your partner happily married to you? One common feature that I see in NT/ND relationships is the ND person blissfully unaware of the unhappiness their partner is feeling in their marriage, even when issues are raised by the NT partner the ND partner still doesn't 'get' it and has a presumption that because they are fine with everything their NT partner must be too. I will admit that the people NT people I know in the situation are all women married to ND men so maybe this makes a difference, do you think that it does?

Interesting point. Are you talking about on Mumsnet, or have you witnessed this in person? We have very open lines of communication on how I impact the family, him and our schedule etc. No judgement from him, we tackle problems head on together if they occur.

[AuDHD4Me]

Also @Freeballing I don't judge him for the stuff I don't understand about being NT. I mean, small talk for example. What's the point? But I accept he needs that to feel comfortable. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Anthillveggie]

@Freeballing

Is your partner happily married to you? One common feature that I see in NT/ND relationships is the ND person blissfully unaware of the unhappiness their partner is feeling in their marriage, even when issues are raised by the NT partner the ND partner still doesn't 'get' it and has a presumption that because they are fine with everything their NT partner must be too. I will admit that the people NT people I know in the situation are all women married to ND men so maybe this makes a difference, do you think that it does?

Slightly concerning that you claim to have an autistic son but have this attitude towards autistic people.

[CountMushroom]

@thekindlyone

Is that actually common or have you just been reading the 'support' threads on here.

I’ve certainly seen this pattern on a number of occasions. The neurodiverse person in one situation I’ve been close up with for my whole life is my father (still married to my NT mother), and in another I’ve been around for many years is a close friend, now divorced from his NT wife.

[Freeballing]

@Anthillveggie

Slightly concerning that you claim to have an autistic son but have this attitude towards autistic people.

Is it? I wouldn't have thought having a mum that listens to people is of huge concern but we all worry about different things I suppose.

To the OP I am talking about real life.

[Anthillveggie]

@Freeballing

Is it? I wouldn't have thought having a mum that listens to people is of huge concern but we all worry about different things I suppose.

To the OP I am talking about real life.

Hopefully you won't accuse your son of making any future partner he may have unhappy just because he's autistic.

[Freeballing]

@Anthillveggie

Hopefully you won't accuse your son of making any future partner he may have unhappy just because he's autistic.

And hopefully you will learn reading comprehension skills.

[Anthillveggie]

@Freeballing

And hopefully you will learn reading comprehension skills.

I can conprehend you perfectly well thanks.

[ShodanLives]

What do you think the advantages of an ND/NT relationship are?

[AuDHD4Me]

@ShodanLives

What do you think the advantages of an ND/NT relationship are?

I think they vary between relationships, obviously.
In terms of mine, he's my buffer for all the things I don't relate to when it comes to NT behaviour. I can ask him questions comfortably about why things are a certain way, and he does the stuff I don't want to/don't have a need to that he finds relatively easy. For my part, I provide a way of looking at things that he hasn't considered (I've helped with work issues etc) and I help bridge the gap between the way his brain works and the way our children's brains work, to help him with the parenting side of things. I've also put in place strategies over the years for overcoming the issues I struggle with (time management, object permanence, memory) and this helps us both know what we need to do and when. We have some great conversations too as I ask him questions he never thought to ask himself about life, and his opinions on things. We learn from each other, and we accept each other as we are.