I was a foster carer AMA

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For around 15 years.

Some of my information would be very specific to my council, and some will be out of date, but I can tell you about my experiences - only mine!

Why did you stop?

Because the number of social services meetings I had to go to was incompatible with teaching.

You can be a foster carer if you are a teacher, if the children are in school, but you can't attend social services meetings multiple times per week, or be in for your "unannounced visit" if the only time they do "unannounced visits" is during the school day.

DH & I are currently going through the process of becoming foster carers and have our panel date coming up soon. Is panel quite straightforward?

Did you have your own children and if so how did they cope with the situation, how old were they? Did you ever find it hard when it was time for a child to move on and feel like you wanted to keep them permanently?

What age ranges were the children you fostered? Did you have any limits on who you would or wouldnt foster and was that respected?

Honestly its something I would love to do when my littles are bigger and my work situation is different but i am distrustful of the system. A relative's child went into care. There were lots of incredible social workers who, in the end, made an huge positive impact to the family. However there was a period with several workers who lied continuously without repercussion and caused a dangerous situation when they left a young child with their elderly grandparent who had advanced dementia and didnt tell anyone. Like i said, that was resolved and amazing work was done but from what ive heard when its bad its very bad.

O yes, they want to pass you.

I never had any unexpected questions, or curved balls, all very straight forward

Yes, I had my own too, and they loved the arrival of brothers and sisters. I did emergency fostering, so much of it was short term, although we had the same children back over and over again for different emergencies. Some came overnight, and stayed for months.

I was mostly primary school age.

Yes, some social workers are great, and some are not.

How did you find the strength to do it?

Limits - yes, I knew I would never take a known arsonist into my home.

I did take in a known burglar, and guess what, he burgled us...I still took him back though.

I took in lots of disabled and ill children, but I didn't want to take in a child who was dying, because of the possible effects on my own children.

I obviously never wanted to take in a child who was known to make untrue accusations against foster carers..

I suppose, because of the age range, most behaviour was manageable. I would not have taken a violent or destructive teenager in - I was single mum.

You were a single mum and a foster carer? Hats off. That’s incredible.

Were there any children that you formed a bond with, to the extent that you stayed in touch (and is that allowed?)

Any trying situations in which you thought you could take no more?

yes, I am still in touch with several, and they have grown up into lovely people.

The situations when I thought "I can take no more" were never related to the children. Mostly to the social workers - ( some were great) or once to one of the parents, who were horrendous to me and my children.

The government red tape - I ended up doing the most ridiculous things- like at one point having to "prove" a list of competencies that some one dreamt up for foster carers, like "proving" I could send an email, which meant sending an email to my boss, who then wrote a witness statement confirming he had received an email from me and I had sent it competently, etc

"proving" I fed the children veg, which meant making sure they always had veg they disliked on their plate, every meal time, so if the social worker called at a meal time, there was veg on their plate. Once the social worker called at meal time when I had served popular veg, and they had already eaten it, so it was recorded that she had witnessed their dinner plate, and there was no veg on it

This sort of thing used to have me pulling my hair out

Did you find it difficult when they left? Were there any you felt you could have made a really big difference if they didn’t have to leave you?

What was your response to 'Do you love me?' asked after only a few days together?

Yes, there are some I still wonder about, particularly trafficked children and child slaves found working in cannabis factories, when the factories were raided. Several times children like this were brought to me at about 11 pm at night, and taken away again about 8am in the morning, and I never knew anything about them, or what happened to them after, some never even opened their mouths, so I never even knew their names.

It was sometimes difficult, I knew one lad being returned to his Gran, who was a lovely lady, but I couldn't see how she was strong enough to manage his physical disabilities, so I was worried.

Some have gone on and done very well

I don't think I ever had that!

No questions from me just a "Hi" from a (current) foster carer.

Wow, that’s truly incredible what you have done. I would love to, but am scared I’d get too attached. I am also scared the children would hurt or scare our own children.
Will you ever foster again?

Hi! How are you doing? Have you had similar experiences to the ones I am describing?

No, I can't now, for health reasons

No question but you sound amazing. Well done on your strength

I recognise quite a lot of what you have experienced (but not the ridiculous competencies thankfully, that would drive me insane). I tend to have babies and under 5s with complex health needs/addiction withdrawals so haven't experienced trafficked children and young people but I am on the emergency list so did get calls at all hours of the day and night.