Dad of 3 adopted children (1 birth child)

[needhelp1970]

..all have varying needs caused from early life trauma . 13 years in AMA

Throughout my whole time , it's mainly been nature for me. I have had however people tell me

'Surely they'll forget in a few months'

They can't remember when they were 1

Just don't tell them they're adopted

Just smack them when they're naughty

You wouldn't build a house with no foundations, we can't either , we're just putting support beams to try and hold them up.

@needhelp1970

Adoption is so poorly understood by those not directly involved in it. So many outdated concepts and thinking, a PP wrote earlier,
"Have you researched fostering to adopt? I have friends who did this, fostered a 6 month old then adopted him 12 months later. 1 year after that, they adopted his brother from birth." The old blank sheet of paper theory from the 1960's and 1970's!

I'm a single adopter of 1 child - now young man of 18, I adopted him when he was 8.
My experience has been very different. It's not been plain sailing, we have had our challenges but I have a happy, healthy 18 year old. No police involvement, impeccably behaved at school. He is working in Tesco and has a place at university for this October.
Most of the adopters I know are similar, kids in jobs or heading off to college or uni. A few have had more serious challenges.
@needhelp1970 do you feel you would have more of a chance if you had only adopted one child, or one at a time?
My personal view is that 3 children at once is a huge ask and not always in the best interests of the children.
I certainly feel that my son has benefited from the intense 1 to 1 experience I was able to give him.
@boobooho about a third of adoptions will be relatively trouble free, a third a bit more spikey and a third will have significant issues.

As for the old "nature versus nurture" debate, I mentioned it in my previous post. My ds came from a very violent background. He witnessed extreme violence and was physically attacked himself up to the age of 2, when he was taken into foster care. His birth father had a terrible temper and committed violent acts that even caused a death. Nature has resulted in my ds looking exactly like him, he has the same build, colouring etc is it so unreasonable to think that he might also have inherited his temper? It's just a fact of life. The difference is that my ds, since the age of 4, has been raised in a stable, loving home where we have taught him that violence is not the answer. Sometimes, particularly during his difficult teenage years, he has struggled to control his temper but he has never gone to the extremes his birth father did and, as he gets older, he understands that that behaviour is totally unacceptable in society and he has learnt to control his emotions much better. We are not violent people and I am convinced he has got this side of his personality from nature but the way he has learned to control it and understand what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour comes solely from nurture.

Do you think you could have more impact on the younger one you adopted ie getting a 1 year old as opposed to a 4 year old or is there no difference in getting to them earlier and their needs later on?

OP, this has made such interesting reading for me, that I just needed to placemark I appreciate the food for thought of your posts whilst not wanting to go into why they resonate as I hesitate to write an identifying post.

Wish I had answers with my very limited experience of adoption my friend has adopted two children and her son has now issues he’s in Year 5. It turns out his mother was an alcoholic and he has learning needs as a result. She also adopted a little girl, not his sister. She goes through so much with her. She’s Year 1 now but all I see is tantrums and screaming by the little girl. And my friend is exhausted. Has had to give up her job to look after her children full time.

Waves to a fellow adopter! Fifteen years in here. It is hellish with my teen but my just-turned-seven-year-old is still a joy. I am a single adopter. (I’m interested to see how this thread turns out; I have my hard hat ready…)

Thanks so much for retyping after you lost it first time and for the invaluable advice, plus that from Ted and all who are posting. I so appreciate the honesty and support of the adoption community. I will definitely show this thread and your Facebook to my husband and it’s amazing how you have built that community for dads.
we seem to be quite unusual to our social workers as we don’t have strong feelings any direction about age. I think they are mostly used to people wanting younger children but that makes me very nervous as as a lot of people mention, I don’t believe in the blank slate when looking at children who have experienced trauma pre or post birth.

Hello. Actually have family that have done this with a lovely little girl , heroin addicted baby with lots of needs but lovely and doing really well and securely attached.

Just to put a slightly different slant on this: my DD2’s primary school is amazing, especially as the head is also the SENCO and it is a trauma-informed school. The head referred DD2 into CAMHS in September and she was diagnosed with ASC and ADHD in January. Now I’m working with the school to secure an EHCP, which will guarantee support for DD until she is 25.

My biggest lesson in adoption is that not everything is because attachment; there is much overlap with the ‘symptoms’ of autism and ADHD and there are very high heritability factors for both conditions - between 70 and 80 per cent.

My DD1, who is 15, was only diagnosed with ASC and ADHD at the age of 14. She is also blind due to her prenatal exposure to heroin and methadone. It has taken me three years to secure an EHCP for DD1 as her secondary school, a selective grammar, did not support my application because they consider/considered they were (admirably) meeting her needs. They are wrong, wrong, wrong, of course!

Be prepared to battle like Boudicca for every ounce of support for your adopted child - and be prepared for many charlatans and snake oil merchants to want to snaffle your child’s ASF allowance in the name of ‘therapy’. Read, read and read and become THE expert on your own child and their presenting and future needs.

Oh gosh OP, that sound so hard (and to the other posters too).

My question would be how did you come to adopt them? Did you know the both parents (were they family for example) and how much of their situation did you know before you adopted the kids?

Have you researched fostering to adopt? I have friends who did this, fostered a 6 month old then adopted him 12 months later. 1 year after that, they adopted his brother from birth.

If this is the uk no they didn't. The first child timeline sounds usual but not the second. Legal personhood in the uk starts and north and proceedings take 26 weeks. Baby may well have been placed from hospital discharge (no one is removed at birth) with this family as another foster to adopt which was then quicker to reach the adoption stage.

Meanwhile I work in this sector and ffa carers are very thin on the ground. Ffa means caring for a baby for 6 months that bay he reunified with a birth parent. Or placed with a family member.

@pastypirate , I’m intrigued by your comment that ‘no one is removed at birth’. That’s given me food for thought. My DD2 came to me at less than 12 hours old and it would have been even earlier, if there were two social workers available to deliver her from hospital. ‘Removed at birth’ is a commonly used expression by adoption social workers. Perhaps perversely, I find comfort in your explanation as it means that DD2 may have had the all-important skin-on-skin contact with her birth mother? I’m 15 years in as an adopter but I’m still learning. I will look into using the expression ‘placed from hospital discharge’ now as it is less brutal - for everyone.

I am also an adoptive parent but still to reach the teenage years.

@needhelp1970 you write so negatively about your experience and openly say you wouldn’t do it again. Has it always been very challenging and is there anything that could have changed that for you? Also, do you think trying to meet the needs of 3 traumatised people simultaneously all the time is possible? I have one adopted child and it’s very difficult to meet his needs all the time. Further to that, did you and your wife have to give up work? What was your long term plan when you adopted regarding work?

Removed at birth is a brutal expression and conjures a picture of a social worker literally waiting in the Labour room to take the baby the moment the cord is cut. This isn't what happens.

The reality is that in those very sad circumstance where this is necessary, babies are taken into foster care when it is safe for them to be discharged from hospital.

Sometimes social workers go to court as soon as baby is born and the order is obtained ready for the anticipated discharge. Baby stays with mum on the ward whilst this is going on, sometimes this means social care staff supervise mum on the ward with baby.

Sometimes babies are not ready to be discharged for several days/weeks. Sometimes mums discharge themselves and leave baby on the ward. When that happens foster caters go on to the ward and care for them day to day.

Sometimes but not often mums have to be removed from the ward before baby is ready.

@needhelp1970 , I hope you’re having a good week as you have sounded at the end of your tether when you have posted previously. I get it, I totally do. My adopted DD1 (I have two) has aged me about 20 years in the past four. My life is a living hell at times ( the police have put a flag on our address). I think you are very brave for admitting that you would never adopted had you known just how difficult it can be. Honestly, I’m not sure I would have done either. But it feels very ‘taboo’ to say so.

After 15 years in, my take on it is that we’re expected to feel grateful for being given the opportunity to raise these extremely vulnerable children but woe betide us when things start to go wrong.

@EmmatheStageRat I only adopted one. I wanted two but my ds was so challenging it took me all my time and energy just looking after him. It will be 20 years this summer since he came to live with me, we adopted him at age 4. I don't regret it but there have been times when I have nearly had a nervous breakdown because of him and his behaviour. He was extremely cute but wow did he have a temper! He has sometimes smashed things up in the house, used the most vile language and physically and verbally assaulted me and dh. This was all from age 3 and a half onwards. Only these last few months has he calmed down. He is away at uni and whether that's making him miss us and appreciate us, I don't know. I've been ill recently and he's been very worried, constantly asking about my test results etc something he would have never bothered about before. He now hugs us and tells us he loves us frequently. I just don't get into arguments with him anymore. If he messes up his life then that's his fault. We've done everything we can to give him a loving, stable home. He's now 6ft 4 and i ended up telling him bluntly that if he ever attacks us or the house again, then I will phone the police and wash my hands of him. He came from a very violent background and we had no support from social workers or anyone after adopting him. I hope things are different these days for adopters. I love my son but adoption has not been easy.

Aggression towards adoptive parebts, houses being smashed up, police round every five minutes , alerts on home addresses like many of you have described are so familiar to me and many of my adopter friends. But I have something positive to add which may give others hope.
Youngest dd, 18, heavily pregnant, has been looking after me as I recover from neurosurgery a week ago. We've laughed and cried and hugged a lot. She found "goodbye" letters I wrote in case I died, which moved her deeply. We've decided she will give up her flat (which she hates anyway) and move back in and we will raise her child together, so she can study or work, and make something of her life. I know it won't be easy at times but three years after putting her back into care because I couldn't keep her safe, I'm feeling so positive about her future and bloody proud of her.
In contrast last night I reported concerns about dd1's volatile relationship with a controlling man to the police under Clare's Law, and within hours they had rung me back, admitting there were red flags and trying to contact her. She's drawn to these dodgy characters - and vice versa - like heat seeking missiles and sadly I know she won't leave him because she's so damaged she's convinced she "loves" him.

Your phrase "drawn to dodgy characters" struck such a chord with me. My adopted nephew is exactly the same - he has been a huge problem throughout his life and just as you think he has sorted himself out a bit some dodgy character appears on the scene and he is drawn to them like a magnet. The whole pack of cards then comes tumbling down.

What is their relationship like with your biological child if you don't mind me asking?