I’ve been in a coma and “died”. AMA

[GhostFaen]

9 years ago after I ended up in a medically induced coma (and on ECMO) for around a month. Twice; once when in the coma and once afterwards I coded and they had to bring me back.

Ask me anything.

Thank you for this. A year ago I sat with my husband as he died the last thing he did was open his eyes and reach for me, it has haunted me that he was scared in that moment. I truly hope he felt as you did.

It was strange. They’d wheel him to me, when I was woken up, and prop him in my arms. Then they’d all stare and I felt like I was a performing seal.

Health wise he was healthy, just very little. A lot of premature babies have underlying conditions but the general consensus is that my body decided he needed to come out. He was born at 29 weeks and was 3lbs.
Growing up he had gross developmental delay, sensory processing disorder and is now being assessed for autism, but who could say if there’s a link. He’s happy and that’s all that matters.

It sounds terrible but at the beginning, whilst I loved him so much, I didn’t “care” about him. I knew he was being well looked after and loved (he always had a family member with him). I was desperately missing my two older boys who knew who I was. I’d just disappeared one day, and they weren’t allowed in the ICU as they were too young (and it have been far too scary).

When I came home I was upset that I had absolutely no ability to be “mum”. The whole family had banded together and my husband, kids and sister were staying at my dad and step-mums. The older two either wanted my step-mum (who had taken over my role) or overwhelmed me by wanting me. Everyone knew how to look after baby, and I couldn’t even lift him up. It was frustrating.

We bonded quickly, as I gained my strength, and I was back home with them all in the September, so he was 6/7 months old.

I (rightly or wrongly) grieved the newborn stage for years, but it got less painful every year as he grew. He’s about to turn 9 and I can genuinely say there’s barely a niggle.

I was in a medically induced coma for 24 hours (after a placental abruption where I lost my daughter and all of my own blood).
I woke myself up and struggled to get the breathing tube out (I was ventilated).
I have absolutely no recollection of the coma.
Had no dreams.
My DH saw the above and was really upset). What he told me later was he’d been telling me my family were coming from abroad and I didn’t want that (as in, were I conscious I wouldn’t have wanted it) so started twitching and gradually started getting worse so the team started to wake me up and I thrashed about trying to take out my ventilator and I coughed up loads of gunk (I’d had a chest infection) .
what I remember was waking up blissful. I thought I was dead (I’d been told how low my chances were of survival before I was intubated while awake and my last thought was what a horrible way to die but I was absolutely not afraid).
I remember my DH’s face and realised I wasn’t dead and I told him I was very happy to be alive. Then I asked what our baby had been. Cried a little bit and said it was all worth it.

The only thing I can say is - I’ve absolutely no fear of death now and I think what the viewers see is very very different than it is for the patient.

@GhostFaen do you live in N Yorks - your story is very similar to a school mum I used to know!

Wow this is an interesting AMA

This is so interesting. Have you talked to anyone else who has been in your situation? I wonder if others have had the same experiences?

I’m in East Anglia

I’ve never met anyone who’s been through similar. I’d love to.

From being in a fb group the idea of there being lots of tests is something a lot of us have. I can only assume it’s the brain’s way of trying to understand why it can’t wake up for weeks on end, along with many, many drugs.
That and dreams being sea related. The mattresses move you about to stop bed sores and can make you sea sick 🤣

Why did your family keep it from you? At what point was it they ended up having to tell you? Were they worried about your reaction?

So all the people who thought the visions of the sea had some kind of mystical meaning or were a metaphor for passing from one state to another might be a bit disappointed to know it was really just moving hospital beds making them a bit motion sick.

Seriously though, it sounds horrific and I'm so glad you came through it. Best of luck to you and your little boy.

Really enjoying this, thank you for all sharing your experiences, so interesting.

What an interesting AMA. Did you have any more babies? If not had you planned for your family to be complete before this experience or did this put you off?

and if I can ask another, are you scared of dying?

I was so delirious I think it was just waiting for the right time so lessen distress during that transition period.

I had another baby, who’s just turned 2 (so 7 years between her and my next youngest).

I’d always thought I’d have four, but was content with my three. My husband and I ended up divorced. We were both broken in very different ways as we’d been through such different experiences. I fully believe my loved ones had a much harder time than I did, as theirs was stark reality.

My now-partner is a wonderful step-dad but loved the idea of getting the baby stage and my longing came back. I ended up having to be monitored quite a bit during and was induced at 36 weeks but ultimately had a positive experience.
My womb is officially closed for business now.

I was never scared of dying. I was scared of letting my family down, the idea that they might not know that I loved them (or what happened to me, as I thought I’d gone missing) and of leaving my children.

So interesting how varied different people's experiences are.
My mother was an icu nurse, and regularly cared for people who 'died' and came back, in long term comas etc.
The majority remembered nothing and some spoke of feelings of peace, comfort, beautiful lights etc. A few had experienced fear, but this was more those who had surfed nearer consciousness, so she wondered if they might have been more aware - on some level - of what was happening or experiencing the side effects and confusion of very powerful drugs.
She was not afraid of death and on the night she died, told my father that the lights were, indeed, very beautiful.

Haha, yup, just a very, very expensive sea sickness bed.

Until I got captured saving the beluga whales was great fun. I also went cockle picking with a friend’s brother underneath the mental asylum, but that was much later 😅

What a lovely last memory of your mum. Thank you for sharing ❤️

Interesting about the levels of sedation. They definitely tried to keep me as lightly sedated as they could get away with. I wonder if the majority of the “dreams” are from pre and post ecmo as other than checking reflexes a few times a day I was far deeper under.

So sorry for your loss

I hope this is ok to ask. When you "died" were you aware of it somehow, did you know you were dying? Some people say their whole lives go before them, or that they see a bright light. Was there anything?

What an interesting thread, thanks for telling us your story OP.

Do you know if your 'dreams' were constant? Do you just remember bits or were you on this crazy 'adventure' the whole time?

I also know someone was on an ECMO machine for many days ( due to Covid ) and he also says he felt peaceful and was aware in some way that his wife was there with him.

He says the only scary part was when he was waking up and he had had hallucinations, but not when he was deep in the coma, that was all very peaceful. He says he knew in somehow that he was dying but he wasn’t scared at all . He’s not religious at all and doesn’t know how to explain it.

Im very sorry to hear of your loss.

Sounds to me that your brain was hearing the consultant Speak about your treatment and that is how your brain was interpreting it in your dream
I do believe in the afterlife by the way, and I’m very happy that you survived

You talk a lot about the dreams you had, do you have any idea of the order they ran in or how far a part they were to the next?

were you aware of your unconscious state being that you remembered your dreams?

I've been on morphine before and have never experienced such peace, do you think perhaps that had anything to do with it?
Do you think personality has anything to do with peace or agitation?
When my father was passing he was somewhat agitated around me and I do wonder if he wanted to tell me to let him go.

I am so sorry for your loss xxx