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Original poster

My Ds has been in a psychiatric hospital for 4 years

258 replies

Sammysees · 17/02/2023 21:24

I know there has been previous threads on this topic. I thought you may have questions about what it’s like for a parent with a child (young adult) in long term psychiatric care. AMA.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 08:04

LadyWithLapdog · 18/02/2023 07:28

Does your DS have other visitors apart from you weekly and his Dad every other week? Does he socialise with others? How come you never talked about the act that most contributed to his custodial?

Yes he gets visits from other family members. So my family will come with me sometimes and his dads family will visit with him.
He struggles to communicate anyway. He is traumatised from his time in prison (he was on remand for a year) and he just won’t talk about it. He has just started therapy around this with his psychologist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 08:05

Sorry - no he doesn’t socialise with anyone else. He struggles with that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 08:09

Basecampzero · 18/02/2023 07:55

I just wanted to give an alternative view of sheltered housing. I don't know what kind of place your son has been offered but there is a house next to me which houses people with high functioning autism and similar conditions like fragile X syndrome. The people there are all youngish, in their 20s and 30s. There are staff there 24 hours a day and although the residents all have their own separate flatlets, they are all helped with practical activities, like cooking and washing. Everyone goes out regularly to do college courses, and have days out. Sometimes they work as voluntary staff or in supermarkets or similar.
They quite often have parties or BBQs. They seem very happy when they talk to me.

Obviously you want to find out what kind of place your son would be offered but it isn't necessarily grim.

Show quote history

That is really reassuring to know. Thank you for that. There are a couple of places local to me that seem the same. I am sure that there many places that are not. It’s luck of the draw isn’t it?

OP posts:
WhatHaveIDone21 · 18/02/2023 08:44

How long was he sentenced for? I have experience of a relative in prison with mental health issues and it is so sad to see how many people in there are suffering from poor mental health with no support.

Emmamoo89 · 18/02/2023 08:49

So sorry you are going through this Flowers

Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 09:15

WhatHaveIDone21 · 18/02/2023 08:44

How long was he sentenced for? I have experience of a relative in prison with mental health issues and it is so sad to see how many people in there are suffering from poor mental health with no support.

5 years. A prison officer once told me 80% of their prisoners had mh problems. This was in a young offender’s institution. There was no support for any of them. It was frightening to see.

OP posts:
gluenotsoup · 18/02/2023 10:10

Hello, OP. Just to say this is a really thought provoking thread, thank for being open enough to start this. I hope you both find a way forward in the future, this must be so draining and upsetting for you both. I have a dd who has very severe learning disabilities, and I worry about her future. She’ll never be able to live alone, her needs are too complex, and parents right across the spectrum of need are very much unseen, and although my experience will be different to yours, the worry and the strain are the same. 💐
My question is - what does daily life look like for him at the moment? Is it a nurturing environment with a degree of independence, or very regimented and prison like? Does he have to stick to a timetable of sorts, or is it more relaxed? What does it look like- a hospital, a care home? Can he go out with support, or even into a garden with some green space? Quality of life type things really. Hugs for you x

Polik · 18/02/2023 10:26

Was it a gun he bought? Or a big knife?

At the time of the purchase, did police (and family) consider he'd bought the weapon to harm others?

Have you had any experience of the PREVENT pathway? Speaking as a school DSL, this case would gave had some red flags for radicalisation.

kateandme · 18/02/2023 10:38

Sammysees · 18/02/2023 09:15

5 years. A prison officer once told me 80% of their prisoners had mh problems. This was in a young offender’s institution. There was no support for any of them. It was frightening to see.

Show quote history

Jesus. 5 years.abd has been in hospital for 4!? What age did he buy the weapon?

Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 11:05

gluenotsoup · 18/02/2023 10:10

Hello, OP. Just to say this is a really thought provoking thread, thank for being open enough to start this. I hope you both find a way forward in the future, this must be so draining and upsetting for you both. I have a dd who has very severe learning disabilities, and I worry about her future. She’ll never be able to live alone, her needs are too complex, and parents right across the spectrum of need are very much unseen, and although my experience will be different to yours, the worry and the strain are the same. 💐
My question is - what does daily life look like for him at the moment? Is it a nurturing environment with a degree of independence, or very regimented and prison like? Does he have to stick to a timetable of sorts, or is it more relaxed? What does it look like- a hospital, a care home? Can he go out with support, or even into a garden with some green space? Quality of life type things really. Hugs for you x

My biggest worry is what will happen to him when I am no longer here. I am working my butt off to make sure he is at least financially secure.
The environment is very relaxed. They have therapies but there is a lot of times when he is bored. He has a tv and a play station and he does a bit with his OT. The hospital itself is a forensic hospital so has a 30 foot fence around it but inside the fence it is a lot like a care home. Several buildings with different wards. He can go into the grounds - they are large but he doesn’t very often as too scared of meeting other patients.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 11:08

Polik · 18/02/2023 10:26

Was it a gun he bought? Or a big knife?

At the time of the purchase, did police (and family) consider he'd bought the weapon to harm others?

Have you had any experience of the PREVENT pathway? Speaking as a school DSL, this case would gave had some red flags for radicalisation.

I would prefer not to go into the legal side of things and stick to the hospital side of things. He was deemed to be not radicalised however. We as a family never thought he would harm others. Not even for a minute. If you knew my ds you would understand why.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 11:08

kateandme · 18/02/2023 10:38

Jesus. 5 years.abd has been in hospital for 4!? What age did he buy the weapon?

Show quote history

He was just 18.

OP posts:
NCTDN · 18/02/2023 11:13

Does he have friends in the hospital? Or is he happier on his own?

Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 11:15

NCTDN · 18/02/2023 11:13

Does he have friends in the hospital? Or is he happier on his own?

He prefers to be on his own. He does talk to other people but spends most of his time in his room.

OP posts:
70sShmeventies · 18/02/2023 11:21

I’m scared to write this because I worry it’s inappropriate but just in case there are people being judgemental about your son being in MH unit.

I’m so envious of you, that you still have him and that he’s being looked after whatever the challenges that may bring. My DB who had Asperger’s took his own life out of the blue at 19 13 years ago. He was diagnosed at 2 and my Mum had to fight tooth and nail for support. He was bullied at school too which was never properly tackled and I think it left him with a deep seated insecurity and feeling of otherness. He would not engage with a counsellor and then masked his depression extremely well. We thought he had turned a corner but we were wrong.

Just echoing the comments about how our autistic young people are failed and sending love and strength to you and your boy and the very best for the future. It’s all so heartbreaking.x

Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 11:35

70sShmeventies · 18/02/2023 11:21

I’m scared to write this because I worry it’s inappropriate but just in case there are people being judgemental about your son being in MH unit.

I’m so envious of you, that you still have him and that he’s being looked after whatever the challenges that may bring. My DB who had Asperger’s took his own life out of the blue at 19 13 years ago. He was diagnosed at 2 and my Mum had to fight tooth and nail for support. He was bullied at school too which was never properly tackled and I think it left him with a deep seated insecurity and feeling of otherness. He would not engage with a counsellor and then masked his depression extremely well. We thought he had turned a corner but we were wrong.

Just echoing the comments about how our autistic young people are failed and sending love and strength to you and your boy and the very best for the future. It’s all so heartbreaking.x

I am so so sorry to read this and it leaves me feeling even more positive that my ds is in the right place. Autistic young men in particular are more likely to commit suicide. I have no shame in saying my ds is in a psychiatric hospital. It is no different to having a physical illness and being in hospital. I think there is a misconception that people are crazy and dangerous. To be fair, some are. But not everyone. I wish there was more help for autistic young people. My ds wouldn’t engage in the beginning either and they soon get cast adrift. I’m not sure what the answer is. If someone will not engage what can you do? My sons suicide attempts started when he was 15. If it wasn’t for the hospital he wouldn’t be here. It’s a tragedy. I am so sorry 😞

OP posts:
mynameisbrian · 18/02/2023 11:36

Sadly the lack of community support for young autistic people is why we end up with our children in prison and in hospitals. There is an increase awareness now about the trauma those placed in institutions have suffered. There is a lot of work going on to upskill the work force and all hospitals are expected to complete the Oliver McGowan training. He son died sadly when in a specialist hospital. I don’t agree that hospital is the correct place for an autistic person. It may be a relief for loved ones who are concerned and I understand that as they can’t see an alternative . There is a lot to be done to change the outcome for those who are struggling due to lack of the right support

Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 11:40

mynameisbrian · 18/02/2023 11:36

Sadly the lack of community support for young autistic people is why we end up with our children in prison and in hospitals. There is an increase awareness now about the trauma those placed in institutions have suffered. There is a lot of work going on to upskill the work force and all hospitals are expected to complete the Oliver McGowan training. He son died sadly when in a specialist hospital. I don’t agree that hospital is the correct place for an autistic person. It may be a relief for loved ones who are concerned and I understand that as they can’t see an alternative . There is a lot to be done to change the outcome for those who are struggling due to lack of the right support

I agree that people with autism shouldn’t be in facilities. However, when there are other things at play like depression and anxiety then it can be the right place. Supported living is probably a good starting place for a lot of young people struggling with autism. I guess you can’t generalise because every autistic person is different. My ds is in the right place for him. For now. I hope the future looks brighter for him.

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 18/02/2023 11:55

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NCTDN · 18/02/2023 11:56

@SchoolTripDrama y that sounds really judgemental tbh.
@70sShmeventies FlowersFlowers

Lavenderzen · 18/02/2023 12:08

Hello Sammysees I had to come back to you; I thought about you last night and what you have been through.

I understand. It was years before I got help for my child, literally years. Eventually a change of address, brought into the picture a new psychiatric team and for us that was the help we needed.
It was such a relief to have "new eyes" on what was happening and it gave us peace of mind.
Sending hugs to you, you have struggled and found the best outcome for your dear son. Time for you to have rest and look after yourself. Take care xx

Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 12:11

Lavenderzen · 18/02/2023 12:08

Hello Sammysees I had to come back to you; I thought about you last night and what you have been through.

I understand. It was years before I got help for my child, literally years. Eventually a change of address, brought into the picture a new psychiatric team and for us that was the help we needed.
It was such a relief to have "new eyes" on what was happening and it gave us peace of mind.
Sending hugs to you, you have struggled and found the best outcome for your dear son. Time for you to have rest and look after yourself. Take care xx

Thank you. I hope your life is easier now you have received the help. Actually getting some help seems to be the biggest hurdle.

OP posts:
Florawest · 18/02/2023 12:36

I haven’t any thing to add but just wanted to say you are a terrific mum doing your very best in a very difficult situation, your son is lucky to have you, don’t know much about autism, have son who got bullied in school and that really knocked the stuffing out of him.

I had a sister who died by suicide in her early 50’s the most kind and helpful person you could meet.

I am sending you my best wishes and will include your son and yourself in my thoughts and prayers, keep strong and be kind to yourself, wish more suitable government places become available and more funding.

Original poster
Sammysees · 18/02/2023 12:42

Florawest · 18/02/2023 12:36

I haven’t any thing to add but just wanted to say you are a terrific mum doing your very best in a very difficult situation, your son is lucky to have you, don’t know much about autism, have son who got bullied in school and that really knocked the stuffing out of him.

I had a sister who died by suicide in her early 50’s the most kind and helpful person you could meet.

I am sending you my best wishes and will include your son and yourself in my thoughts and prayers, keep strong and be kind to yourself, wish more suitable government places become available and more funding.

Thank you so much and I’m really sorry about your sister 😞

OP posts:
kateandme · 18/02/2023 15:53

gluenotsoup · 18/02/2023 10:10

Hello, OP. Just to say this is a really thought provoking thread, thank for being open enough to start this. I hope you both find a way forward in the future, this must be so draining and upsetting for you both. I have a dd who has very severe learning disabilities, and I worry about her future. She’ll never be able to live alone, her needs are too complex, and parents right across the spectrum of need are very much unseen, and although my experience will be different to yours, the worry and the strain are the same. 💐
My question is - what does daily life look like for him at the moment? Is it a nurturing environment with a degree of independence, or very regimented and prison like? Does he have to stick to a timetable of sorts, or is it more relaxed? What does it look like- a hospital, a care home? Can he go out with support, or even into a garden with some green space? Quality of life type things really. Hugs for you x

Things are incredibly prescripted.especially on forensic wards.they have wards.locked doors in between areas often.there is usually the rooms then a communal dining,lounge,games room.maybe a hall if large enough.
They have to get up.medication.meals same time everyday.
Education slots.
Therapy slots.
Group slots.
A timetable the same each day.
Depending on the place free time is either I the communal areas or in rooms.sometines rooms won't be allowed for certain amounts of times.
Depending again on setup garden time can be allotted and or work to earn it.
Often privileges must be earned to a care plan but this is extremely varied depending on the patient,their condition,how they are,how long they been there etc.