I’m a 30 year old asexual virgin

[AlizeeEasy]

I’m an asexual virgin. Happy to answer any questions that anyone might have :)

Do you think there is anything in your background or childhood that has closed you off from having sexual feelings towards another person? Did you never fancy anyone as a young teen?

Are you good at friendships and other non-sexual relationships in general? How do you deal with a friend in despair over a relationship failure/in unrequited love/ or, alternatively, all loved up? Does it feel absolutely incomprehensible to you?

Are you able to reach orgasm?

Do you have any chronic (by which I mean long lasting) medical conditions?

As an older woman looking back at my life, I think you are very wise.

The only benefit I see to my life at the moment from being in a long marriage is my daughter, I am ugly divorcing at the moment so my viewpoint is jaundiced.

You have recognised who you are and what you want at a relatively early age. It’s so easy to let yourself think you need to follow the trajectory of love, marriage, children when in fact there are better options out there.

Ive always thought I was blessed by the fact I prefer to spend time on my own, and as long as I have books and cats, I know I can go into old age and never feel lonely. I might need physical help, but not companionship. You sound similar. Life has been more difficult for me as marriage and children aren’t a good fit if you are an introvert who can only feel like themselves when alone.

I guess someone in your position might feel the need for a passion in life sooner or later, be it a career, hobby or vocation. Do you know (yet) was yours is?

Theres a part of me that feels if I could live my life over, I would forgo marriage and child, to do something worthwhile like animal rescue, saving an endangered species etc. There are a couple of women who run rescues that are my sheroes.

Good luck to you, you are wise beyond your years.

I feel it is part of the make up of who I am. Not the most important aspect by far. I am many things, daughter, sister, friend, woman, and asexual.

To be honest I’m not sure who in my family actually knows. I’ve never discussed it with my siblings or any wider family members. I think I mostly assume that they know, they certainly know I’m not interested in relationships, but I don’t know if they made the link to asexuality.

the only person in my family I expressly told was my mum. We are very close and I can talk to her about anything. We were talking about sexuality in general and I made an off the cuff remark about how it’s probably more of a spectrum like how I’m closer to asexual than straight. She didn’t say anything in response and the conversation moved on. Then a week later she told me she had done a lot of research on asexuality and could recognise how it fit me and I think it helped answer a lot of questions she had about me that she never dared to ask.

The only thing I’ve wondered about is whether I’m austistic. I don’t know if there are any links between autism and asexuality, but I do have some sensory issues, especially around food textures and I have a few other sensory issues that indicate some level of autism. It wouldn’t surprise me if that translated into a dislike of being touched and then a dislike of the idea of sex.

I had a few crushes as a younger person, more of a “I recognise this person is cute” type crush, but never a “I would like to have sex with this person” type of crush

I am someone who has always had few friends, but the ones I do have I care about deeply. When I was at uni I had two friends that I lived with and they often had relationship issues. I am someone who is always happy to listen to others problems even if I can’t relate. So it was never a barrier in our friendship. One of the girls would get quite graphic with her sexual escapades which I found difficult to listen to sometimes, but beyond that it was never an issue. Nowadays my friends are all in long term happy relationships so it doesn’t come up in conversation very often

I don’t think I’ve ever orgasmed. I’ve never really tried. It’s more of a quick release and then I move on with my day.

there are no chronic conditions, apart from pcos, which doesn’t really affect my day to day life now I have a coil

My 14 yo son says he is aroace (aromantic, asexual.) No problem we said - we are very happy for him to be whatever he wants to be as long as he's happy (and obviously, it's not harming anyone else!)

Do you have any thoughts on how I could support him with his decision in a way that allows him the grace to change his mind in the event he does? My worry is that it may be something he is using to keep people at bay so he doesn't get hurt - he's had problems with bullying and I wonder if it's a reaction to this.

I'm absolutely one hundred percent fine with whatever sexual orientation he is by the way.

Would you like to have been able to share this with your parents at an earlier age? How would you have liked them to support you?

Thank you for your kind words. I have had conversations with my mum where she has said similar about how she never knew there could be any other path in life beyond marriage and children and she is happy that I have recognised what I want in life and have followed it.

A big help in my life has been YouTube. I had no idea what asexuality was until I stumbled across a video where it was being explained and it was so eye opening to have someone describe how I feel so accurately. It was such a relief to know that there was nothing wrong with me or even abnormal. There was a name for it. I don’t know what my life would be like today had I not known about it. Maybe I would have continued trying to force myself to want a relationship and go on dates I didn’t enjoy etc. it’s honestly been a life saver to have an accepted term for what I am.

There is more I want from life, I want to progress in my career which will require further education which I cannot afford nor have the time for, so that’s a challenge I will need to overcome. I want to one day afford my own home, would love a cottage in the countryside where me and my dog can exist happily. I know I can keep working towards these goals and that gives me a lot of purpose in life.

I really hope things get better for you in the divorce and you have many happy times ahead

Whilst you’re not attracted to others do traditional forms of erotic entertainment turn you on. I quite like reading salacious novels for example.

14 is such a tricky age, in my opinion it is too soon to know for sure whether you would be asexual or aromantic, so I would say don’t reject how he is feeling. But equally try not to lean into it so much that he feels he can’t change his mind without being judged later down the line.

I remember being around that age and talking to my sister, I made some remark about how I might not get married and she responded with “of course you will”, obviously she was young herself so the idea that anyone wouldn’t follow the course of marriage and children was alien to her, but I remember it so clearly, like it feeling off to me, sort of invalidating maybe? So really I think the best way to support someone is just be wary of making remarks like that which may dismiss how he feels or wants to live his life. Make no assumptions over how the course of his life will go and just be happy for him along the journey.

I hope that helps

I’m not a fan of erotica or porn. Even romantic comedies put me off. I once started reading a book which had good reviews and got half way through (hating every moment) before realising I was reading erotica….I can be a slow on the uptake apparently 😐

Are you also on the autistic spectrum?

Not diagnosed, but there are qualities that suggest I might be. Sensory issues for example. I’m not overly fussed about trying to be diagnosed. I’m happy, so that’s all that matters to me

Ah sorry, my thread didn't seem to load properly. I see you've answered that upthread.

Thank you so much. Thats very helpful.

Thank you for your good wishes. Hopefully with luck I will soon have my cottage in the country, but cats instead of a dog.

I think as you get older you will find you fit into life better. Many women get disillusioned with the ‘norm’ and often mens’ role in that. You will find more women who have given up on sex, and are looking for something more. But it is so good you discovered who you are and can plan your life to maximise contentment (a very under rated emotion).

I only realised literally a week ago, and thanks to mumsnet , that I am demisexual. That is, not attracted sexually to men on looks alone, but only once you know the person well, and love their personality.

My STBXH seemed to me to be a ‘nice’ person, but as time went on he was only a nice person to others, not me. Ergo, I fell out of love with him. The only unconditional love I have ever felt is for my DD, and I’m glad to know that feeling. It’s like the love you have for a precious pet, but on steroids.

I thought I just had a low sex drive and since the menopause was asexual. I don’t intend to have any relationship with men at all, so I guess I’ll never know if I am still demisexual or asexual. Asexuality suits me just fine.

As an aside, I am wondering if there are more women out there who could be like me and just don’t know it. Are there other definitions out there that would fit others. It seems to me there are an awful lot of women on mumsnet with an unhappy sex life, and far more than I suspected of women who want more sex than their husband/male DP.

Don't you think one cannot dislike something one haven't tried while the majority of the world have tried and are ok about it?
Of course there isn't anything wrong if you don't like something.

Thank you for the enlightment. If you live outside the UK (or other sexualised Western countries) you can safely assume that the world is dominated by demisexual based on your definition.

Have you ever got blood tests to have your hormones checked? My libido has always been linked to my monthly cycle, I spend one week completely disinterested, one week (around ovulation) as a nymphomaniac (always startles DH!) and the rest of the time not very interested in sex but could be persuaded, bit like being offered chocolate when not hungry.

You might just have low progesterone or something 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think asexuality is really a case of not liking sex, which yes you wouldn’t necessarily know without trying. But it’s about sexual attraction. In the same way that someone who is straight would likely not even entertain the idea of having sex with someone of their own gender, because they know they aren’t sexually attracted to them. You don’t need to have gay sex to know you aren’t gay, and vice Versa. For aces we know we arent sexually attracted to anyone, so for me there’s no need to try it.

Why would you try something you don't like the idea of (or in the case of some asexual people, are repulsed by) though?

Sometimes there's a reason to push through that dislike - I don't like the dentist but there's a reason I should go, for example, so I do. But there's no reason you should have sex unless you want to. Even having children can be done without having sex if you were so inclined.

Funnily enough I am reaching the age that my parents were when they stopped having sex (weird thing for me to know, but me and my mum are close). At first they started sleeping in separate rooms because of my dads snoring, and they have never shared a room since (from their mid 30s). I think it’s something that at first seemed strange and non conforming to how couples should work, but as they got older it’s just more natural for them. My mum has described him more as a life long friend than a romantic partner. I like that for them, and for the most part it’s worked well. My mum got the children she wanted and my dad got the stability and supportive partner. Unless there’s a lot that I’ve not been told, I think this has suited them.