I turned my life around

[paniclife]

I have diagnosed personality disorder, have been homeless, have convictions, struggled with addiction and am now one year out from completing my masters in social work.

I managed to turn my life around completely.

Ask me anything.

Nothing to ask really just wanted to say good for you and well done!! To bring yourself back from that low is no minor achievement, you must be incredibly proud.

Thanks so much 😊

When did you realise that things needed to change? What was the turning point? And what was your motivation to change?
(Sorry for the multiple questions, genuinely intrigued).

Congratulations by the way, great effort. You should be proud.

That’s amazing, well done you!

What was the most difficult part of overcoming addiction?

What was the trigger to start changing your life?

Huge well done! Love a positive story like this. I hope you continue on this path and go from strength to strength.

How do you pull yourself back on track when old habits and self destructive thoughts creep back? Is there a tool or a thing that you use to keep yourself on track? What worked for you?

How have you relationships changed? I imagine you've lost some people and gained new connections?

When did you realise that things needed to change? It was gradual really, I was really mentally unwell and it started to dawn on me that maybe I wouldn't be so unwell if I stopped drinking. Also my daughter was spending an increasing amount of time at her dads house because a lot of the time, he would come to drop her off and I would be drunk. It was getting to the point that he basically said that if I didn't get help then he was going for full custody of her and that scared me. I went to London to visit a friend the weekend before I got sober, the weekend in London was really bad, I was very aggressive to my friend, got flung out of a pub because I was flashing my tits at the barman. Then flung my glass at him when security was taking me out (luckily didn't hit him but did flash). The next morning my friend took me to the train station, told me to get help and contact him once I did. I stood at Euston station waiting on my train just crying but trying to not let anyone see. On the train I text my mum saying I can't do this anymore. I got home, started my medication and that was me.

I was going to answer each point but realised I've just answered them all in one. And thank you 😊

Thank you! The most difficult part for me was the loss of certain friendships but at the very same time, my true friendships just got stronger. Also the stigma attached attached to being sober. It really is the only drug you have to explain yourself for not taking. And I put on a shit ton of weight, not going to lie, like 3 stone, I went from barely eating to eating EVERYTHING. The social isolation, sometimes even if I was out with people, if they were drinking I didn't truly feel a part of it. I struggled also about 18 months into my sobriety with a lot of shame that I didn't expect, I worried what people must think of me and how they could forgive me for what I have done over the years but luckily that subsided.

Good for you op! 🙌

Thanks very much!

How do you pull yourself back on track? It was very, very gradual in my case. At the start literally everyday was just filled with small tasks that I'd not been able to accomplish previously - make your bed, do the dishes, take my medication, pick up daughter from school, spend time with her, don't drink. Then I started college and it became, make your bed, do the dishes, attend college, pick up daughter from school, spend time with her, don't drink. And I would just add to that. Goals helped - I knew I wanted to be a social worker but never believed it would be possible and the thought was overwhelming so I would concentrate on small goals. For instance, pass the first term, enjoy the Christmas break, pass the second term etc. I couldn't think about things in the long term.

Relationships have changed - I have lost a lot of friendships, but it's became clear that most of those friendships were based on drinking and drugs. My relationship with my family has completely changed for the better, my daughter is with me 70 percent of the time and oh my god, our relationship has transformed. She trusts me now and the days of me partying seem to be a distant memory for her (when she first started spending the night here again she was always concerned I'd have people over or would fall asleep on the sofa and she wouldn't be able to wake me up). My relationship with my daughters dad is great now, he also trusts me. So yeah, all worth it.

Well done!

I think a big part of it was that I had a great and strong support system around me, ranging from friends to financial to family to services. I was very privileged in that aspect. So I understand that other struggling don't have this which can make it more difficult for them.

How old is your daughter? For how many years of her life were you struggling with addiction etc? Does she remember it and does she forgive you?

What PD do you have and did you get diagnosed when you were young or more recently?

Thanks for answering my questions :)
I'm very happy for you and your daughter and I just know that your story will inspire so many reading it.

This is so inspirational!

When did the addiction start? Do you think anything triggered it? (I’m sorry if this question itself is an issue).

Did you have any therapy?

She's 10. I struggled before she was born, managed to stop drinking during my pregnancy but started again as soon as I had her. So was struggling from when she was a newborn until she was 4 years old. She doesn't mention it anymore, but she did when she first came back to me, she was always worried about me having people over because she was used to me having parties whilst she was in bed. Or crashing on the sofa and being unable to wake me up.

It was actually a real issue until she was about 7, like I couldn't even have a friend over for a (sober) dinner because she would get so upset thinking that loud music would be played etc. She would always shout down 'night' or 'love you' to make sure I replied so she knew I hadn't fallen asleep.

She doesn't really do that now and rarely mentions it, she definetely trusts me now. However, if there is a party that we are going to (engagement, wedding etc) she still does check if I'm drinking (even though I've been sober for over 5 years).

I'd like to think she has forgiven me.

What do you think when you look back at your old self?

I have borderline personality disorder and was diagnosed at 24 (31 now). However, I've been under the care of mental health services since I was 13/14.

What PD do you have and did you get diagnosed when you were young or more recently?
This

Well done on turning it around OP! 💪

I don't mean this to sound cruel at all, I promise (and I'm sorry if it does) but are you looking into therapy for your daughter? All of this is bound to have had a big impact on her.

Massive well done, OP! 👏🏼 Your experiences will inspire others to take those brave steps away from drugs/alcohol.

How long had you been drinking/taking drugs? How did you feel when you were diagnosed with a personality disorder? Do you think this disorder predates your addiction or was it something that was caused by addiction/lifestyle?

Thank you 😊

Addiction - that's a hard one, I started binge drinking when I was 11. Continued drinking sociably until about 18, then drinking daily. However I didn't drink when I was pregnant withy daughter but once she was born I would say the addiction really started. I would drink alone once she was born, which is something I never did previously because I was always out. Once my daughter was born I started to enjoy drinking alone, and then it just progressed until I was drinking 24/7.

Trigger - childhood trauma - emotional and physical

Therapy - yes, I underwent therapy from the age of 13, however, I don't think it really works until you are ready to let it work. Before I got sober I did emdr therapy and cbt and none made a difference.

Once I got sober I did cbt and it really helped.

Sometimes shame and embarrassment. Especially in the early days of getting sober. Now I feel empathy, sadness, and pride (for what I went through and for how I'm raising my daughter and what I've managed to achieve).

Not cruel but no, it's not something I have discussed with her dad or really thought about. But I'd be open to it if we or she felt it was something she might need.