Thanks for posting, want to offer some solidarity and shared experience.
I’m bi and I was emotionally abused by a former girlfriend. There would have been sexual abuse too if the attempt hadn’t been the absolute final straw for me.
I totally get what you mean about the emotional enmeshment that comes from being sympathetic to someone’s traumatic past.
You end up giving them so much leeway out of sympathy and empathy that you’re in a really deep water yourself before you realise. So glad you managed to get your head above water and get out before you drowned.
Also, unfortunately, also share your experience of how difficult it can be when you seek support from groups who work in the DA area. Like @FAQs I was also abused by my mother, physically, emotionally and financially.
My family turned a blind eye although they knew what was going on, and I didn’t seek help until much later in life, after I noticed a pattern of being attracted to people who were similar to my parents (my dad was also abusive to my mum physically and emotionally and was emotionally abusive to me).
One of the support workers initially assumed that when I mentioned being abused by a parent that it was my dad. She was very apologetic when I spoke in more detail and went on to be very supportive.
However, another support worker, one who was very senior in the organisation, whilst she said all the right things at the time I spoke about my mum’s abuse, became very sarcastic and bullying later on.
She was very much of the opinion that women never abuse, only men abuse and if a women ever gets caught up in abusive behaviour it’s because a man is controlling her in some way.
It was very, very hurtful to be treated like that by someone to whom I had been so open and vulnerable with, having spoken about sexual assault and rape as well as DA as both an adult and a child.
There are so, so many assumptions made about the nature of DA and it really makes it difficult for DA survivors who don’t fit a certain mould to access support. It just promotes a feeling that there is nowhere to turn.
So, thank you, so, so much for being open about this topic. You’re not alone and you have helped me so much not to feel alone.