I'm an autistic adult, AMA!

[witchesgoose]

Thought this could be a useful thread - I was diagnosed in my late twenties so neurotypical/allistic (non autistic) people can ask about what it's really like, and if I can help one person with an autistic kid/teenager/young adult I'll be happy :)

There's lots of misinformation out there written by neurotypical people on the subject, so thought it would be helpful to hear it from the horses mouth so to speak :)

@Charliealphatangorara

Please can I ask about your friendships when you were a child? Did you have many close friends? Did you have regular fall outs, misunderstandings, or were you treated badly by people you thought were friends?

Sorry if that all sounds negative, if you had good friendship experiences that's great and I'd love to hear! But if you didn't, how has this effected you and do you know how the adults in your life tried to help/can you think of ways you would have liked them to help?

Until I was about 11, I had a small group of friends, 3 of them I was super close to, 1 I'm still in contact with and occasionally meet up with.

My friendship circle expanded to about 6/7 at secondary school, but sometimes I got the impression I was a bit of a hanger on and people would be falling out around me and it made 0 sense.

At primary we would have little titfs but nothing major!

Thank you so much for posting this @witchesgoose

I have a 14 year old dd diagnosed 3 years ago. She hates the diagnosis, is in denial and we don’t talk about the A word. She seems happy at school and has good friends (I have no idea how much masking goes on).

This summer has been particularly challenging, lots of meltdowns, I think a lot of it is being a teenage girl which is tough at the best of times.

I’d like to ask you how you found your teen years and if difficult, when did things improve?

Also I worry so much about dd’s future. I can’t see her going to university or holding down a job. She hates talking to people she doesn’t know, she has little sense of orientation and struggles with unfamiliar routes.

She’s also utterly dependent on me especially for decision making.

@bendmeoverbackwards

Thank you so much for posting this *@witchesgoose*

I have a 14 year old dd diagnosed 3 years ago. She hates the diagnosis, is in denial and we don’t talk about the A word. She seems happy at school and has good friends (I have no idea how much masking goes on).

This summer has been particularly challenging, lots of meltdowns, I think a lot of it is being a teenage girl which is tough at the best of times.

I’d like to ask you how you found your teen years and if difficult, when did things improve?

Also I worry so much about dd’s future. I can’t see her going to university or holding down a job. She hates talking to people she doesn’t know, she has little sense of orientation and struggles with unfamiliar routes.

She’s also utterly dependent on me especially for decision making.

My pleasure!

I really feel for your daughter - that must be really hard.

Life initially got a bit better when I went to uni, as I was in full control almost of my environment- until I found myself in an abusive relationship.

Please don't worry about her holding down a job in the normal way - think about her interests. Going self employed was hard initially as I was still with my ex and I didn't have the full support to make it work. Now I do, and honestly it's been the making of me, and has allowed me to rebuild relationships with my family as they have been wonderful since I left my ex and got dx. :)

Really interesting thread. We parent a 17 year old with asd and we really struggle with him not having any motivation for anything. He got a decent hand full of GCSEs but has no idea what he wants to do and is very passive. Pre the teen years he was a big talker and in fact over talked but he gives us very little comment on his life. It seems to us as if he would be quite happy if he could spend the rest of his life in his room on the iPad. Any insights into helping him make a plan for his life or get him motivated?

@witchesgoose you mentioned that your parents thought you were autistic when you were a baby did they ever explain why? Was it the typical milestones and regressions that aren't associated with the diagnosis?

Sorry, are not aren't!

Over the lockdown period it has become apparent that I have autistic traits. Should I see a GP to get referred for a diagnosis? I'm nearly 60. I think it would help me if work made allowences for me. Could I go private ànd, if I did get a diagnosis - would this help me ?

Thank you @witchesgoose and I’m sorry to hear of your troubles and glad things have improved.

Interesting about re-building relationships, currently my dd can’t stand dh (her dad) and we have no idea why. He’s a kind and loving father. She won’t give him the time of day. I’m hoping it’s a teenage thing and will pass in time.

@MyMushroomsInATimeSlip

Totally random question and I don't mean this offensive in any way. Can you "spot" other autistic people? For example people that might not know they are?

I worked with an autistic person who used to do this!

I had this happen to me in London. A young guy, obviously autistic himself said to me after a short chat at a tube stop ‘you’re autistic, aren’t you?’ I was a bit taken aback as I pretty young at the time and only really knew that I was ‘different’ but I think in hindsight he was probably right.

I’ve not been officially diagnosed but know that I’m not neuro typical. Whether that’s ASD, ADHD, dyspraxia or a bit of a mix I’m not sure. My mum has very similar behaviors to me and has recently confided in me that she thinks she’s on the spectrum. She really struggled with being a parent at times and it’s one of the factors that has led to me being child free.

Please feel free to ignore this if it's too personal but how do you think autism has affected your romantic relationships?

I had a very traumatising abusive relationship which I feel was somewhat "facilitated" by my being neuro atypical. Initially I could not tell that certain behaviours were "red flags" (friends kept telling me afterwards that anyone could've spotted the guy was dodgy and lying/making up stories, but I just...couldn't tell). Later on, the guy used my obsessive/anxious tendencies to manipulate me into meltdowns on purpose, while he smirked and watched and called me crazy.

I am now with a good man who is very supportive, but other people often comment that I am too reliant on him/not independent enough and it makes me feel a bit shit. E.g. I learned to drive with his help but I am terrified of talking on the phone, so he sorts out all the paperwork for my car, insurance etc. Apparently for some this means I'm not a "real driver" or a real adult.

What advice would you give non autistic people so that we can make day to day interactions more pleasant and easier so that you don’t have to mask? Or at least not mask as often/as much?

How have you managed/navigated the world of work? Are you able to work full time? What do you do?
Also did you find getting PIP easy?

I think that point about relationships is important. Ime autistic women are more likely to become victims of domestic abuse. There may be research on this?

My dd sch is saying she might have autism & want me to give consent for referral. She struggles with changes eg if there is a change of topic or class themes or change of sitting arrangements (she gets very upset crying & can't explain why). Recent house move is made even more upset in sch but very happy at home. She is very good academically. I know almost nothing about autism so I am a bit worried because I don't know how is going to affect her later in life if indeed it is autism- she is 6 Yrs +

Did you go to uni?

My 18yr old son is desperate to go but I'm not sure if he will cope. How did you cope first out in the big wide world?

Also do you drive?
My son has just started lessons and I wonder if there might be particular aspects he might struggle with due to his Aspergers.