I'm bisexual AMA

[Converseandskinnies]

Hi,

I've had quite a lot of confusion and raised eyebrows over the years when I explain I'm bisexual. Yes, even in 2021! So thought I'd come on here and let you ask away and hopefully clear up any confusion or misconceptions.

I am too, lots of us are. Intrigued as to the questions you’ll get. I’ve never thought of it as a particularly out-there thing.

@Diesse, neither did I until I came out. Some people still don't believe it's real or that we're greedy - pick a team etc.

Just to add, because of the negative reaction I would get in the beginning, I did wonder if it would just be easier to say I was a lesbian, as I only came out as bisexual after I got with my now wife. Some people thought I was being disrespectful to DP for still identifying as bisexual. Like I've still got my foot in the door.

Not being rude, OP, but I have to ask - Who did you come out to? Why did you bother? What benefit could it be to those whom you told?

One inference is that you aren't satisfied with what you have and (now or later) want to satisfy your needs with a man. Otherwise, why is it anything more than a private feeling or a fantasy?

Did you always know you would settle down with either a man or a woman, or could it have been either depending on the person themselves (if that makes any sense whatsoever!)

@RoseyOldCrow, I didn't come out officially until I was with my (female) dp. One or two friends knew before. One of which was my first experience/realisation. Overall though, people would just assume I was straight before I told them about my dp.

Assuming that answers all your questions.

@SnoozyBoozy, I would have been 99% sure I would settle down with a man, but turns out I fell into the 1%. Although I have been in long term relationships with men. I always knew I was attracted to women, but it got stronger as I got into my mid/late 20's and still naively assumed it was just a sexual thing, but then completely unexpectedly fell head of heels in love with a woman.

Do you think it's relevant to an employer that you are bisexual if you are in a settled, committed relationship with one person (of whatever sex or gender!)?
I get annoyed at being asked my sexuality on forms from work as they know I am married to a man - asking that question to me seems like they want to know if I can also be turned on by women... Why on earth is that any of their business?! It seems entirely personal and nothing to do with my work at all. Perhaps it's different if I was currently single. It still seems a really invasive question to me. But am I missing something? Are there issues at work for you as a bisexual that wouldn't be an issue if you were a lesbian?

@DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda, it's just about equal opportunities isn't it? Plus I think it helps for general data on what percentage of the population identifies as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual etc. I don't think I would be happier to answer the question if I was single. It does feel a very personal question though, I agree, but I don't believe they're asking to be nosey. There's always an option of "prefer not to say" anyway isn't there?

Oh and to answer your last question, I think it depends what you mean by issues. I have people asking inappropriate questions, such as do I miss a man, which do I prefer? Questions that I may expect from a close friend, but not a colleague who I hardly know.

This is a different situation though. It's an anonymous forum and I'm giving permission to ask questions. When you're just getting a coffee and "Dan" from accounts who you have maybe said 2 words to, asks "do you think you'd have a relationship with a man again?" because they can't get their heads around it, especially when you're a feminine woman, it's very tiring. Basically I think they just want to know if they're still in with a chance tbh!

Gosh is this really worth an AMA? I'm more interested in how often you wash your towels or if you insist people take their shoes off in your house.

Thanks for your answers so far, OP.

But honestly, why did you bother telling anyone? And what makes the telling "official"?

Re Dan at work... perhaps it is just nosiness or fuel for his fantasies, rather than thinking that he is "in with a chance" with you?

I’m not really sure this is a big thing anymore. I’m straight, I wouldn’t start a thread on it.

@RoseyOldCrow, I didn't announce I was bisexual. I introduced people to my gf, which obviously confused people who had only ever known me to have boyfriends. People would then ask "so are you gay?" and I would answer, no....because I'm not and would then explain I was bisexual.

@Chicchicchicchiclana, worthy? You don't have to ask any questions, so just ignore and ask the towel questions if you'd prefer.

@Bluntness100, with respect, it's quite naive to think anything other than heterosexuality is seen as not a big deal by everyone. Yes, the message in our society is supposed to be, this is a non issue, but it's just not the case sadly and I don't think it's something you can fully understand unless you're in that community. Homophobia is still a huge problem. People are still kicked out of their homes for being gay, people still take their lives. It's not all rainbows and acceptance and I see and feel the prejudice all the time.

Thanks for answering. Yes, I always use the "prefer not to say" as I really don't feel it's anyone's business but mine and my DH. I don't think there is an asexual option on my work forms for that matter, I wonder if there should be?

That does make sense about intrusive questions from colleagues, thank you.

Another question - I stumbled on an argument on Facebook about whether Bisexuality is a Transphobic orientation. It was multi faceted and exhausting to read. Is this a hot topic in the bisexual community or was it just a niche debate as so much on Facebook is?

I was surprised to see some in that argument claiming being attracted to one sex plus some non binary people is a bisexual orientation - in my naive view I'd have assumed being attracted to (some people of) both sexes is pretty key to be bisexual!

@DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda, wow.. I missed that one! Well I think it's a load of rubbish, quite frankly. Being attracted to both men and women doesn't mean you can't be attracted to someone who is trans, but actually even if someone bisexual didn't find trans people attractive, that wouldn't be transphobic, it would just be a personal preference, in the same way that someone who identifies as heterosexual isn't automatically homophobic. Bizarre. I can't see the argument at all.

Personally I find all sorts of different people attractive, but just not very often iyswim. I can find very feminine women attractive, quite masculine women, quite feminine men, quite or very masculine men and any of those could be trans.

Overall, Did you find that men or women are better in bed? Of course it depends on the person, but just wondering about your experience overall.

I’d imagine, having not experienced it myself, that women would be much better, I.e., we’d know what works best

I did have a female relationship many years ago for a few days while on a business trip, with a work colleague. I’m glad I experienced it. She was very beautiful, considerate, etc. We’re still really good friends.

My experience was it was really nice but there was something missing. I never get there from piv, thrusting, etc. but felt I missed that part. Is that something you miss in a female relationship?

Not being rude, OP, but I have to ask - Who did you come out to? Why did you bother? What benefit could it be to those whom you told?

One inference is that you aren't satisfied with what you have and (now or later) want to satisfy your needs with a man. Otherwise, why is it anything more than a private feeling or a fantasy?

The biphobia on mumsnet is absolutely unreal.

I still find that odd (bisexual as ‘disrespectful’ to a partner)

Is it ‘disrespectful’ to identify as heterosexual whilst in a relationship?
You may be attracted to the opposite, same or any sex/gender whilst also being committed to a single person, and of course you can betray a partner whether straight, lesbian, gay or bisexual

Mumsnet loves a good stereotype.

A word of warning OP, MN is hugely biphobic, I see some have already crawled out of the woodwork.

DD has just come out to me as bi. I sort of suspected. She's 22 and beautiful and no boy has ever quite stuck.
How do I mask my slight feeling of disappointment that she is less likely to marry and have children? She is very clever and career minded so this may not matter as much to her!
I just want to get it right. I suppose in my head the her life will be slightly more tricky in terms of other peoples' attifitdes too.