I am in a women's refuge.

[makingchanges7]

Ask me anything.

@twoHopes

This may be a really stupid question but I often wonder why women go to refuges and not to a friend/family member's house? Was it because you felt it would be an imposition? Or you didn't know anyone with a spare room? Or is it just safer to be in a refuge?

I don't have any friends or family here. And a whole house worth of stuff that belongs to me here and no money for my own place, no money to travel anywhere, I'm hundreds of pounds in my overdraft. There was a space for me in a refuge so I took it. A refuge is the best place because they can help me get A band for housing so I should be housed a lot faster than I would be if I went to a family member or a normal hostel. And they also provide you with a key worker who can get you through the hard time.

He knows if he hurt me again he'll be locked up and lose his children so depends how much he'd be willing to lose
Unless it was a very vicious assault or he’s got a really bad history of violent offending it’s unlikely he’d be sent to prison. Thought you should know the reality.
Well done for being so brave and I’m glad you feel safe In the refuge, they are amazing places. I give to the food bank every week and I am so pleased to hear it helps to support women in your situation. Much luck getting your life back on track.

You might not think he would do it again as he would have too much to lose but in a fit of rage people tend not to think rationally
Does it even make a difference, my DH wouldn't assault me as he is not that type of person, not because of "what he might lose" if he did
I really wish you the best but don't go back. There are literally millions of men out there that don't become violent.. ever.

I'm worried that you are already thinking that you might go back (when you said you'd have a bolthole to go to as well.)

Remember the next time you might not be able to call the police. It might be too late for that. If he thinks the police will come and he'll go to prison and lose his kids, he might do something to try to prevent you calling them.

Thank you for answering my question OP. I've often thought (perhaps naively) that if a friend or family member of mine were in trouble I'd just drive and pick them up and they could stay at my place. But it's really helpful to know that it might not be the best thing for them as refuges offer more than just a bed to sleep on.

I wish all the best for you. Well done for walking out when you did, I've been in an abusive relationship before and know how hard it can be. I went back three times before finally leaving. I can't speak for your situation but in my experience men like that don't change, no matter how sorry they are.

Don't go back to him. My XH was fine for several years but once he attacked me, it escalated. He tried to strangle me when we were in France. I had no idea what to do.