I have agoraphobia - AMA

[AgoraphobicAnonymous]

I'm a 39 year old single mum to two teenagers and I've had agoraphobia for over 14 years. Ask me anything.

Did anything in particular trigger it or did it start up gradually?

@totallyyesno

Did anything in particular trigger it or did it start up gradually?

I think it was a combination of a number of things. A lot happened in the space of a few months including a relationship breakdown and failing to secure a university place to study midwifery (probably a blessing in hindsight!). I thought I had my future all planned out and suddenly all my plans vanished. I've also recently realised I probably have undiagnosed ADHD (inattentive type) which won't have helped.

The build up was gradual, over a few months, but the actual agoraphobia set in almost overnight. One week I was stressed but coping and getting on with life as normal, the next week I suddenly couldn't leave the house at all.

Have you sought help to overcome it before? If not, why not?

I didn't mean that to sound accusatory btw, I'm really sorry if it did! I'm just interested on if it's something you accept for the rest of your life or if you do want to be free of it

@PurpleButterflyAway

Have you sought help to overcome it before? If not, why not?

No need to apologise, I understand why you would ask that :)

I have sought help. I'm taking antidepressants which do help to relieve the anxiety to some degree but not completely. I had CBT which helped in the short term but I soon went backwards when the CBT ended. I have done a lot of exposure therapy alone and with family support with varying degrees of success. There have been times over the years that I have been able to get almost back to normal but it's never lasted for more than about six months before I've gone back to being stuck at home again. I also had private counselling recently but that didn't really help me.

I definitely don't accept this as something I will have to live with for the rest of my life though. I will continue with the exposure therapy and keep fighting and hope that one day I will find a way through it. It's difficult at the moment though with Covid - most of us are stuck at home now.

When your condition is at its height, what does that look like? Can you not leave the house at all? What about going into your garden? In an emergency? Do you work from home, or how have you managed economically?

How were you diagnosed? DB had a bit of a breakdown and since Covid I feel has become agoraphobic but unsure where to turn for help/advice. It’s so debilitating I really feel for you OP.

@Jocundest

When your condition is at its height, what does that look like? Can you not leave the house at all? What about going into your garden? In an emergency? Do you work from home, or how have you managed economically?

At its absolute worst I have been not just house bound but virtually bed bound. I would leave my room for short bursts to use the bathroom, prepare food etc but at those times my bedroom was the only place that felt safe. Thankfully I've only been that bad a couple of times and only for a few weeks at a time.

On the other hand, at my best I've been able to catch a train to the city and go for family days out so I haven't been completely housebound for the entire time. To an outsider I probably looked like I was living a normal life a those times but it took a lot of therapy to get there and I was still pretty limited with where I could go and what I could do. Unfortunately I haven't been able to maintain it long term either.

Currently I'm pretty much housebound with occasional very short walks outside (no more than about five minutes).

Financially I've had to rely on benefits. I had only done retail work before I became agoraphobic and I don't have any other experience or qualifications. I've tried a few self employed work from home jobs but none of them have been sustainable. I'm studying for a degree with the OU now so hopefully in the not too distant future my prospects may be better. I'm also hoping that post covid there may be more genuine work from home opportunities for me.

Who has been caring for your children when you cant leave the house? Have they had any support to help them cope and understand your illness? How do the kids gets to school/dentist/Dr etc if you cant go out?

@irisnotadaff

How were you diagnosed? DB had a bit of a breakdown and since Covid I feel has become agoraphobic but unsure where to turn for help/advice. It’s so debilitating I really feel for you OP.

I'm so sorry your DB is going through that. It really is horrible and not something I would wish on anyone. I hope he can find help and is able to recover.

I would start with his GP and go from there. It seems to be a bit of a postcode lottery though as to what help is available unfortunately. I have been prescribed an SSRI, offered counselling (provided I go to the surgery for it, which I can't) and had a short course of CBT which helped immensely at the time but long term they've pretty much left me to it. Unless I go to see them in person they don't want to know. I sincerely hope he has better luck than me.

Unfortunately I think a lot of people will have developed agoraphobic tendencies during lockdown, it's a scary time. Perhaps that will work to your DBs advantage as the doctors may well be more understanding and sympathetic in the current climate. Best wishes to you both.

Hello, waving from a fellow agoraphobic! What a good idea for an AMA. I'm not here to hijack your thread, but am interested to see what people are asking.

My question is - how do you explain your agoraphobia to others? I find people really struggle to understand. Also, I find I have good periods and bad periods. I'm in a good period at the moment and some people think that means I am "cured".

@Elouera

Who has been caring for your children when you cant leave the house? Have they had any support to help them cope and understand your illness? How do the kids gets to school/dentist/Dr etc if you cant go out?

We're lucky to have had amazing support from close family members who have helped with dr/dentist appointments etc and taking the girls for days out and even on holidays almost every year. I can't say they haven't missed out because of my condition, but my family have helped make sure they've missed out on as little as possible.

I also had a partner from 2009-2016 who helped with the day to day practicalities. When the girls were in primary school we lived very close to the school so I was mostly able to manage school runs and family helped out when I couldn't. Once they went to high school there was a school bus. They're 18 and 16 now. DD1 is in University and DD2 is just about to start college.

Can I also ask how this has affected your relationships, especially with partners?

@BloodSweatAndBeers

Hello, waving from a fellow agoraphobic! What a good idea for an AMA. I'm not here to hijack your thread, but am interested to see what people are asking.

My question is - how do you explain your agoraphobia to others? I find people really struggle to understand. Also, I find I have good periods and bad periods. I'm in a good period at the moment and some people think that means I am "cured".

Hello! waves back

Hijack away, I think it's good to spread awareness. As you say, a lot of people don't understand or have a lot of misconceptions about agoraphobia, especially when you're in a good phase and look "normal".

I usually say something like - "Imagine how you would feel if you were suddenly confronted with your worst possible fear. Now imagine if you felt that same amount of fear, for no apparent reason, every time you went somewhere like the supermarket. You'd soon start avoiding the supermarket, right? That's the fear I feel every single time I try to leave my comfort zone "

Yay for good phases though! Long may it last. Best wishes for your future recovery.

Hi, I had severe anxiety for years and would get phases of agarophobia during bad times from a teenager up until a few years ago. I haven't had an episode for a while TBH but still feel the fear occasionally before I go out. I force myself to go out sometimes. I'm in no way saying you should do the same! Everyone is different. I've found my anxiety decreased significantly while pregnant and is still manageable as I'm still breastfeeding. I wonder if hormones have helped? Anyway best of luck to you and as you said, I imagine the lockdown has increased the amount of people suffering from this.

Thanks for the info. Fascinating to get an insight into it and have more of an understanding.

Hi OP, I had agoraphobic after a series of traumatic events and i had to just about overcome it on my own, it was tough and i had lots of panic attacks and i probably still would have one on a plane/eurostar but i'm good with everything else - i'm actually training to be a registered counsellor so if you would like some free counselling sessions (supervised by my tutor who is also BACP registered) then send me a pm.

Fellow agoraphobia sufferer, hi ladies

Do you feel guilty towards your kids that you cant do things that other mums do with their kids? Going to the cinema /park/shopping/holidays etc

Yes I do. Always. I haven't taken my kids to school for two years and we live in the road above it. Missed school plays, parents evenings, church performances 😢Last holiday was awful. I stayed in the caravan the entire time crying and panicking. Luckily my dh is extremely hands on and will happily get dragged round shops, swimming pools, soft plays, haircuts, dentists etc. I'm going to refer myself to CBT therapy again, it helped massively last time and in 2018 I managed to do a school Christmas activity. I will sometimes drive to the shops with them but I wait in the car. I loathe my weakness but try my hardest to make sure they never miss out and we are all incredibly close

Writing this thread yesterday made me feel really crap. I tried to go to the poundshop today, got in the door and about half the way up the first aisle, panicked and bolted back to the car leaving husband and ds in the buggy