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AMA

Insecure, what would you do?

5 replies

kgal3542 · 08/05/2020 23:19

In November 2018, I rowed with my partner of 16 years, it was during a grocery shopping trip. I was sick of him shouting at me, so I turned and walked off home.He returned 2 hours later, said "It's obvious we are n ot getting on, I am having this house valued and sold." We did not speak for 4 days and avoided each other. He did have 2 seperate valuations on the house which unsettled me, he has found my achiles heel, as I have to have my security of my own home. Then he slowly started speaking again, when I tried to discuss what he'd said days earlier, he said he didn't want it mentioned again, and I had the impression I was supposed to pretend he hadn't said it. We own the house mortgage free now, but we are tenants in common, as he put down the lion's share of deposit when we bought the house, 60% to him and 40% to me. Over the years we have grown apart, although there is no violence, I am ok as long as I stay on the right side of him. If I disagree with him, he can go into mega sulk and take to his bed for days, refusing to speak to me, this has happened every 2-3 years we have lived together. He has rowed with almost all our neighbours over parking, and some of them now do not speak to me either, and I have noticed during lockdown, that I can not even listen to the radio without him moaning that he doesn't want to listen to the news or phone ins, due to broadcasting bias, often switching over to a different station or switching off completely, which is downright rude. A few years ago I had to drop a friend as he didn't like her, he complained so much during her phone calls that I had to sever all contact, just to keep the peace at home. I am considering making a 2 year plan to leave, all steming from the day he got the house valuers in . . .on my birthday !! Advice please !

OP posts:
Daybydaybyday87 · 09/05/2020 02:18

OP, he sounds a very cruel and emotionally abusive man. You deserve much more! He is preying on your anxieties and insecurities, what a nasty bully.
Leave as soon as you can. Do you have support nearby and somewhere you can stay?

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 09/05/2020 02:35

So 16 years is long to be with someone.Memories,time and obviously love has been shared to be together for that long.
Yet "walking on eggshells" sounds heartbreaking and exhausting too

Have you both been to (marriage) counseling?
Which is basically the life you have been living ....

All my best to you!!

lemmeavabru · 09/05/2020 02:54

Sometimes people stay in a relationship out of fear of the unknown, or don't know how to leave because they've been co dependent for so long. Not because of love. They fool themselves that any crumbs that are given to them from their partner is reason to stay. Trust me, I know.

No advice but sending you good wishes. Making a decision is the first step. I think that's very brave.

DramaAlpaca · 09/05/2020 03:43

That sounds very difficult, OP Flowers

I'm not great at advice, but if I might make a suggestion - ask MNHQ to move your post to the Relationships board. You've posted in a quiet part of the site and you'll get lots more advice there.

kgal3542 · 09/05/2020 12:06

Thankyou all for replying, yes "walking on eggshells" and "co dependency" are both phrases which sum up the situation I am in. I am not in danger of violence, but again he tore me off a strip 2 hours ago, as he couldn't find the car key. He had used our shared car last, and put the key away in a different place. He is 15 years older than me, don't know whether this is significant. I am due to receive my small workplace pension in October next year, so think I'd better make plans. Thankyou all again.

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