I’m a MIL, AMA!

[Fanacapan]

I am MiL to two DiL, mother of sons! I have to say it is the hardest role I have taken on, harder than dealing with toddlers, teenagers, ex husband and work dramas! I love both my DiL who are both lovely, hard working successful beautiful women but it’s like constantly walking a tightrope, am I being too invested? Intrusive? Interfering? Uncaring? Be gentle!

would it offend you/upset you if your sons love their wives more than you?

Do you contact them instead of your sons about the children or family events??

I see no reason why I should be our families point of contact with dh family.

Do you take casseroles over and make positive comments to them?

I am also a MiL , a mother of sons . I don't take casseroles round . I have 4 DIL no DDs 2 single sons 3 DGSs and 1 DGD . I contact my sons about stuff but we also have family WhatsApp groups so everyone gets contacted at the same time . I would expect my sons wives to be the most important woman in their lives , of course. I think that's the hardest part obviously but having been through that a few times it gets easier!

Did you make an attempt to tread cautiously when your grandchildren arrived? Currently pregnant and feeling a bit steamrollered by my MIL and her outright opinions but I am sure it isn't intentional to cause offence!

Do you think your relationship with your own MIL influenced your relationship with your DILs? Also do you have a favourite DIL??

Love my mil.

I appreciate how precious our dc are and now my eldest ds is a young adult I appreciate her even more for realising how I bite my tongue at times with dil but like mil did and does with me I do likewise by making an effort and I really enjoy her company.

I'm a mil to one dil. I am very lucky. She is very generous with dgs and we get to see him a lot. When we moved to France my dil was the one who was sad because she misses us more than my own 2.

@helpasisterout your mil will probably be excited. Don't worry about telling her frankly how your dc will be raised. Remember your mil had a mil too. Ask her if her mil gave her advice and did she always agree with it. It may make her think. My mil had strong opinions, she hated me breast feeding. I just put it down to her being old fashioned. My dh always said just listen and then we'll do as we like.

The hardest part now is sitting at the table when my dgs won't eat something, my ds is quite firm with him and I just have to keep quiet.
Yes, being a mil is mostly learning to keep quiet.

@Frenchw1fe thank you for that advise that's really helpful pointers! I unlike some others don't want to damage our relationship by letting it come to a head of rage from a build up for bad feeling so that's really useful!

@justaskingq I don’t think it’s a case of loving more or less, it’s a different kind of love. If my boys love and respect their wives and they are the most important person to them I think I’ve done my job as mum well! I’m secure in their love and respect for me at the same time.

@Whoops75 😂 Yes to one of them, no to the other! I think it’s more about the boys, one of them is hopeless about keeping in touch, the other much better.

What advice would you give to daughter in laws reading this thread?

@MrsWhisker I’ve never taken a casserole, not sure what you mean about making positive comments to them, we have conversations!

@helpasisterout we had some tricky times when the first grandchild arrived, it was emotional for all of us. In all honesty it probably wasn’t helped by the fact I was menopausal and not totally rational! I felt very much pushed out in favour of the other grandparents, which in hind sight was only to be expected, girls are usually closer to their own mums. We’ve got past it though and we are all enjoying the children equally. I would say that any advice comes from a good place, trying to offer experience and lessons learned, I know that can be hard to accept but, you can always ignore and do your own thing!

@JonnyPocketRocket I don’t have a favourite although they are very different. My relationship with my MiL was ok, not great. We didn’t really have anything in common, but we rubbed along ok. I think I try not not to be her!

@SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel that’s hard, I guess just to try to remember you are all family and there may come a time when a MiL can really be an ally, for free childcare if nothing else! #BeKind

You say it's like walking on a tightrope with them.

I was wondering if you sought to make their lives easier at all and if you tried to be a positive and encouraging presence.

Hence the casseroles and positive comments questions.

I have a wonderful MIL, and we get on well, but I get the sense that she often feels like you, like she’s walking a tightrope with me, especially since DD arrived. And I feel similarly towards her at times.

She’s going to be looking after DD in the week in a few months when my maternity leave ends, and I’m a little nervous about it because naturally we have different ideas about how to do things. I want to get the right balance on setting clear rules for what I want for DD, without being too controlling.

Any tips on how to strike the right balance here? I want her to know that I appreciate and trust her but that there are certain things that are important to me that I want her to stick to (e.g. not too much sugar, TV, etc)

@YakkityYakYakYak. I think the best thing is to just talk about how you would like your DD looked after. It’s better to have some ground rules to start with. I did have a wry smile at the not too much sugar or tv though! Those were the guidelines I was given and I stuck to it much longer than the parents did! I try to stick to their wishes and it takes a lot of biting my tongue at times but I do think back to how I felt about my MiL who had very different ideas to me and I remember it was irritating, so I try not to be. I’m sure I don’t always manage it!

Why do you find being a Mil so hard?