I'm a (very new) recovering addict

[Madein1995]

Can't guarantee that it'll be any help, but will do my best to answer questions. I'm recently back on track after a minor lapse, but have been around na and addiction services for a while now

Addict of what, how long.

What triggered your recent lapse?

How did it escalate from casual use / drinking to addiction?

What did you use?

Well done for being on the road to recovery. I'm not an addict but qualify for Nar-Anon and Al-Anon and I've often been told and it's been my personal experience that recovery often involves relapses. Hope all goes well for you.

'youjustdoyou' I was addicted to cocodamol and then dihdrocodeine for 3 years. It started off at lower doses (10 cocodamol a day) but then escalated and by the end I was taking 30-40 dihydrocodeine tablets a day. Reccomended dosage is usually 4 tablets per day, for serious pain management. I suppose I'm still an addict in that Im currently on a buprenorphine script and am reducing gradually - have gone from 8mg to 6.8mg in two months

'never' well I suppose I'd not really embedded in recovery / na. I'd lapsed when on training beore xmas, and though I had stayed clean over mas I was obsessing and ordered more offline. I told myself i wouldn't use them but of course did, as soon as they arrived.

'newmum' for me using was never normal as such. My first drug was alcohol age 11 and I used it to cope with abuse at home and bullying in school. I've known rom age 14 that i can drink at parties etc but can't drink when Im stressed or upset. I started on painkillers ater my drinking increased in uni - stopped drinking, had crap sleep so started on my mums painkillers, which escalated from there. I kind of understand alcohol now - rarely drink and can stop at one. I've noticed that my drinking had increased ater xmas and it does creep in, so I've taken a break from drinking now.

'noarmani' cocodamol, dihydrocodeine and to an extent, alcohol. I went into using ater mam gave me her painkillers and then i bought online . I'm lucky in that none of my peers etc do drugs and ive never been around that lifestyle cos I can well imagine me liking heroin. I had diamorphine once in hospita and kept pressing the button for more.

'apile' thank you, I think you're right - and in a way, relapse focuses you. I quite enjoy being on scrupt and doing ok and feel not good when I use. It's a sign that I need to do things differently. For me, Im going to more meetings (2 or 3 a week, work permitting), am speaking to my sponsor (i cant do steps until of script but she can still give me advice) and working on myself in terms of doing a life story . Ive realised that just going to meetings, putting a face on and smiling , helps no one!

I found meetings good myself but I also joined a FaceBook Al-Anon group that I learned loads from on how to take care of myself better. If I posted because I was upset someone would nearly always answer because it was all different timezones and it really helped me not to feel alone, and that other people were going through or had gone through similar and were staying sane.

It's great that you feel better when you're not using, so you know that you do and can feel better. DH has learned to avoid triggers and stress or stressful people. He pulls back from anything he knows he can't handle and says he's never been so happy in his life. But it was a rocky ride to get this far.

Did you ever consider taking heroin or methadone,or were you ever offered either?

apile i know what you mean re online, I have done online meetings in the past and they are good. I quite like SMART meetings too as opposed to NA /AA which are good but is mainly just each person sharing and no one gives advice unless its at break or ater meeting. Wheras with smart meetings you talk and others jump in with advice which is helpful. Today I shared back at an aa meeting (about my recent anxirty over everything and hating who i am now, being so sensitive and emotional, because i used to be happy all the rime) and ater people grabbed me and gave me advice and chatted but that was the first time.

arnold I wouldnt have the irst clue where to get heroin or how to do it- I never associated with drug users at all so wouldnt have a clue. Now Im in NA, one of my closest friends is a heroin addict but I know that no one in NA would ever help me access and I'd seriously damage relationships if i tried. Tbh though, I liked diamorphone, and if i was off script I could imagine me finding homeless person and trying it. And that scares me!
Re methadone, I was offered that or suboxone when I went to my drugs service in november 2018. I chose subbies because a) methadone doses is harder to stabalise on and you can nod out from it if its too high and b) if you take subbies and use on top you'll be thrown into withdrawal, which is a good deterrant. I thought my tolerance was low having 'only' been a painkiller addict, but actually 8mg sub is equivalent to 60ml methadone which is actually quite a sizeable dose!

One thing I would say is difficult is I work with service users, and it can be difficult when I can recognjse myself in them. I have this urge to try and 'save' them before they get too deep. Of course I have to behave professionally and be impartial, which I do by bsubf honest with manager and colleagues

That is tough, OP.

It's quite hard because for some people, I can see they're at a real crossroads where they're not in too deep yet and I try to encourage them. But I know full well nothing anyone said would have ever stopped me. All I can do it be a reassuring presence for them to come to if they want, to record my concerns and not push them too hard as that'll damage the relationship

People need to do things in their own time. How are you doing?

I'm doing OK, thank you. I'm struggling with anxiety atm, have always been a worrier but lately it's been worse. Don't like feeling this way and have been drs. He's given me beta blockers and if they don't work it might be anti depressants, which I find so shaming and embarrassing.

Currently anxious over living situation, and not for any reason. Live with landlady and her family and just heard husband say to son 'ill have to print gas electric statement off tomorrow morning which won't be very nice.' if could mean they're changing providers or whoever, but my heads taken that as ice been using too much electric and they're going to confront me. I know it's illogical but that doesn't help the fear.

Am gonna try and sleep in a bit. Am another day clean, though I was so tempted to chuck the towel on today. Thank you 😊

Dihydrocodiene is only available on prescription so how did you manage to get that many without raising suspicion?

Fanta via online pharmacies. They've tightened the rules up now so I can now only order from one site (in the Netherlands) but at one point last year I was ordering from around 10 different sites, none of whom communicated in any way.

This was perfectly legal. I'd select the medication I wanted online, make up a story about a knee injury and place an order. Because I had a knee injury in the past, my story was plausible and 9/10 times it got approved. A Dr in the EU approved it (usually Romania or Bulgaria or similar) and it would then be sent to me via post. Quite dangerous really. After a time when I ran out and had to rattle for a few days, I made sure I always had at least 200 in reserve.

There is nothing wrong with anti depressants- it's medication for when you are unwell! But I did struggle for a few years before I went on medication - looking back I can see how silly I was being. I don't need them now but i did then. Your mental health can recover more quickly if you have the right medication.

I remember your threads OP, I'm glad to hear you are on the road to recovery

Thank you apile it is working and I'm feeling a bit better after discussing it with some people in the meeting this morning. Lovely meeting with adorable babies who are just toddling, so good to see

Have had to start putting boundaries in place. I'm nice, so I want to help everyone - the trouble is that I'm very new myself and struggling mentally. There's one lady who's latched onto me who is nice, but unwell and struggling and it's been causing me a lot of stress - I've been trying to solve her problems and she's been snapping, and making unreasonable requests (such as asking me to ask my friend to drive 35 mins to hers, collect her and take to a meeting wgjch is an hour in the opposite direction. Also asking me to give her phone numbers of people who are local and who have cars).

Anyway, I've spoken to my sponsor who's told me quite frankly you can only help those who want it, and also as I'm still on a script and struggling mentally I need to help myself never mind anyone else. Which is right - it'll drain me if I let it. So I've text her saying I still want to be friends, but as I am still new to recovery she needs to ask more experienced people for advice as I am afraid to give the wrong information

Thank you kern

Good for you, 95. I think you need to learn to put your own recovery first. Number One person to take care of is you. After that, it's DC, but you can only care for DC properly if you're getting enough care yourself. Never spread yourself too thin and don't be afraid to say no to people. This is something I find hard myself, and it surprises me when people actually don't mind! They don't think any less of me and continue to be friends. Weird, eh?

Perhaps come back with this thread when you have been in Recovery a lot longer.It takes 5-7years for your brain to clear.

You should not be in an AA meeting if you are a drug addict,unless it was an open meeting.

Going to hide this thread now,it infuriates me when people who know nothing start pontificating.

heath I know people with 10+ years who still have to wotk the na programme - it's a lifelong programme and no one is ever 'recovered' as such. Definitely not pretending I know the answers to everything - simply sharing what my experience of addiction, and recovery, has been. I understand I've not got years in recovery although I am certainly in a better place than I was 2 years ago. Most questions have been around how did I get the medication, triggers etc. I'd suggest some people are interested as they're returning - if you're not that's fine, more than possible to hide a thread

Are you an addict or alcoholic heath ? Only asking as you seem quite annoyed with the thread, deeming that I know nothing anf I'm pontificating. Which I'm not, by the way. I'm sharing my experience of being in and out of recovery and of being an addict, to people who want to listen. And answering questions. Very similar to what happens in a meeting.

I take your point regarding AA- which is why I spoke to the chairperson at the first meeting to check. They were absolutely fine with it and very welcoming - lots of people I know in aa have had drug and alcohol problems. And realistically it's all the same thing isbt it? Alcohol is a drug. Addicts and alcoholics are one and the same, really. I know AA seperates it more but NA very much views it as the same. A drug is a drug is a drug.

Anyway, I checked with chairperson and its find to attend. I've had problems with alcohol in the past even if my current drug isn't alcohol. I'm even welcomed and allowed to share back - I do of course introduce myself as an alcoholix. Rather than discuss 'using' I instead say 'picking up' which again refers to drugs and alcohol both.
Interestingly, I've found people identify with my feelings of anxiety, frustration, temptation, boredom, hopelessness, desperation, anger, sadness, even though I'm an addict and them alcoholics. Likewise I've identified with so many shares in AA. I guess it comes down to the fact that a drug is a drug and whether you're addicted to vodka or heroin, you're still an addict.

@Madein1995 how's the recovery going? Wishing you all the best

Hi- apologies for lack of update! Am actually doing really well atm - on 0.4mg of subutex and will be off it completely in about 4weeks. I'll then be starting to do the work with my NA sponsor. It's been challenging, partilcularly earning new coping mechanisms around sleeping. Again, AMA 😀