I was in and then escaped a domestic violence relationship, but sometimes I still miss him AMA

[Northhome]

There are lots of misconceptions about DV, it's something I never ever talk about in real life.

How long ago was it? Do you feel better now?

Did you have any children together and if so do they still see him? How did you keep them safe?

I have recently left an sbusive relationship and keeping my baby safe takes up all my thoughts.

It would be good to hear your perspective on how you can move on from this.

Firstly well done. I know how hard it is to leave. Even harder to stay away. Keep strong and get onto the freedom programme.
If you don't mind me asking, was there a professional that ever helped you? If so, what was the most helpful thing they said or did?

I feel 100% the same OP, every day I wonder if I made a mistake. And it's been 2yrs.

^*How long ago was it? Do you feel better now?

*^
It will be 11 years on 31st Oct since I last saw him. Yes I feel so much better now, but it has taken time, it's taken a long time to completely erase some of the beliefs I held about myself but now it almost feels like it happened to someone else. I'm not the same person, in a good way.

^*Did you have any children together and if so do they still see him? How did you keep them safe?
*^
We have one child together and no they don't see him. I think we had a very lucky escape. It took having my child to realise just how horrific the situation was.

People might judge me for this but I told ex that hell would freeze over before he took the baby alone, things had become so volatile and the violence escalated there was no way things would have worked out. Ex didn't pursue any type of contact, he tried harassing me with phone calls but once numbers were changed we didn't hear a peep.

One of the ways ex was abusive was financially, stealing money from me, he had a gambling habit to fund, so he'd have never wanted to pay any type of court fees.

My child has had a very stable life so I don't regret this.

^*I have recently left an sbusive relationship and keeping my baby safe takes up all my thoughts.

It would be good to hear your perspective on how you can move on from this.*^

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, at the time I was petrified he'd be able to take the baby, I know personally that my ex could not have been trusted, he'd have also never let us live in peace and move on.

One of the mistakes I made was letting ex know where we'd moved to. I think you have to put your feelings to the side and concentrate on keeping yourself safe.

Interested to know what the misconceptions about dv are, that you mentioned in your OP.

^Firstly well done. I know how hard it is to leave. Even harder to stay away. Keep strong and get onto the freedom programme.
If you don't mind me asking, was there a professional that ever helped you? If so, what was the most helpful thing they said or did?^

Thank you.

Yes I had lots of professional that helped me at the time. I was extremely lucky, I had help from housing, women's aid, my health visitor. All of which were very supportive.

I don't think there was a single one thing, but it was almost fate the way things went.

I was heavily pregnant, things at reached a terrible point and I phoned women's aid. I was living in exes house and had nowhere else to go. I was a mess. I remember the woman from women's aid talking tough to me and telling me it wasn't my home, I wasn't safe and what I needed to do. This prompted me to turn up at the council when they were almost closing on a Friday and thank God there was a wonderful lady there who helped me so much.

After I was rehoused I actually let ex back into my life, it was my health visitor who then made me realise it didn't matter how good a mum I was, if I continued to let ex into my life I was putting my baby at risk.

Interested to know what the misconceptions about dv are, that you mentioned in your OP.

Well, I always believed that DV was like what you'd see on TV, where a man would batter a woman, black eyes, broken ribs. That the woman would always be petrified, weak somehow.

Ex didn't batter me, he was too cunning for that. He'd do things like squeeze my arms so hard they'd bruise, he'd bite me a lot, anywhere and everywhere, he'd bite my nose so hard I couldn't go out because of the marks, he'd bite my mouth until it bled, he'd bite me on my arms, legs, breasts, neck. He'd panic if he left marks where someone might see, this was only when he'd really lost control.

Throwing glasses of water over me was another favourite.

Thank you for replying. I am so sorry for what you went through but so pleased you managed to keep your child safe. I think you did the right thing without a shadow of a doubt.

Interested to know what the misconceptions about dv are, that you mentioned in your OP

Just to follow on from this, I think other misconceptions are that the physical abuse is always the worst thing. Of course it can be, but the mental abuse can be what tips you over the edge. Ex did things like blocking friends/families number in my phone and changing their numbers in mine, so when I tried to call someone it was the wrong number.

The constant subtle put downs that play on your insecurities.

Trying to isolate you in all sorts of clever and calculating ways.

People often think they can spot an abusers but believe me they can be the most charming likeable people in public.