I had postnatal depression AMA

[tessiegirl]

Just that really.
I had dd 3 and half years ago. I'm still on medication.
I have always been very honest and upfront to everyone as I sometimes feel there is still a bit of a stigma surrounding mental health and how you 'should' feel after giving birth. Those first few months were some of the most difficult times in my life.
If it hadn't been for my mum it scares to be think what may have happened.
Ask away!

How did you first realise you had PND or that things were really not right? (Not just the "baby blues" or feeling "a bit down", etc.)

I had severe PND too but my daughter is only one and a half now. Do you feel your PND has impacted your relationship with your daughter long term? Or had an impact on her personality? Congratulations on making it through. I've been through some tough stuff in my life but nothing has ever been so awful as those first few months.

How did you first realise you had PND or that things were really not right? (Not just the "baby blues" or feeling "a bit down", etc.)

At first I just thought it was the 'baby blues'. I remember the second morning at home after an awful night of my husband and I taking it turns to hold dd as she just wouldn't settle feeling so sleep deprived. I had a difficult birth - long labour, forceps, lost 1.5 litres of blood - and I think it all just hit me. I cried and actually thought "what have I done?"
My mum said it was all normal to feel that way and I would feel better...

As the days progressed, my husband and I were disagreeing on how to do things plus the sleep deprivation continued.

I'd suffered from anxiety in the past so would really worry about things constantly. I kept blaming a lot of how I felt on lack of sleep so my mum would have dd over night but even having had a bit more sleep I still felt the same.

I felt distant from dd and I'm ashamed to say I wished I'd never had her and wanted to put her 'in the bin'.

Do you feel your PND has impacted your relationship with your daughter long term? Or had an impact on her personality?

I still have times when I don't feel good enough for her. That I feel like a useless mother because I wasn't able to push her out without help. Sometimes I feel I want her reassurance that she does love me, if that makes sense? I guess I feel I let her down. Plus I feel guilty wishing I had never has her.

It has absolutely had no impact on her personality. She is a happy, confident, good natured little girl.

I think I have struggled with the closeness she has with her dad. I'm not sure if that is still the pnd part of my brain though...