I'm a teenage mother - AMA

[givethecoffee]

I have been lurking on MN for a while now, and have seen quite a few threads on teenage pregnancy recently.

Following reading the variety of opinions and judgments made, I decided to make an AMA to share my experience.
Let's see how this goes

What did your mum and dad say when you told them?

How old were/are you?
Was it planned?
Did the father stick around & become a good dad?
Did your mates stick around?

How do you cope? I have a four month old, am a bit older, have a career and some money behind me and a supportive husband. I’m in total awe of you, the baby stage is hard!

How old were you? Have you and the dad stayed together? Was it planned?

MIL and FIL were teenage parents so while I think it must have been very hard I have experience of it working out - they got married when DH was about 5 and are still together now.

@YesyouyouCnut

My mum was wonderful. She was exactly how I needed her to be.
I have a slightly troubled relationship with my dad, I don't see him often so I think it was a shock to him. I know he struggled with it at first but he came to accept it and since my DS birth he has been visiting a lot more and adores his grandson, which is lovely.

How old are you now? I was a teenage mum too, left school at 14 & worked full time, had 1st aged 18, 2nd aged 21, graduated uni aged 29, good career now. Your age now will help me to gauge what questions to ask....

@mymadworld @MarinaMarinara

-I was 17 when DS was born, now 18.
-He was not planned, but I always wanted children eventually so I felt a mixture of shock and happiness.
-DP and I are together. He is a wonderful and involved dad, so I think having that family unit makes a huge difference.

@mymadworld

Sorry, I didn't see your last question.
My best-friend has stuck with me and regularly spends time with us. She's lovely. My other friends are not interested, to be honest. I've barely seen them in the last year.

@MonkeyTrap

I was fortunate enough to have a very relaxed and content baby. Don't get me wrong - the sleepless nights do catch up and it can be very repetitive. The early months were definitely the hardest. My DS is 13 months now, we're suddenly in toddler territory which comes with a different set of challenges and loveliness. I think the baby is the reward. Oh and plenty of coffee - as my username suggests.

Congratulations on your baby!

@Surfingtheweb

I'm 18 now

Do you work?

I had a baby at 19, single parent at 20, and no parental support. It didn't prevent me going to university a couple of years later , and it didn't affect my career. I think young parents are capable of more than they are judged capable of.

@starfishcoffee

I work part-time, just two evening shifts a week at the moment. I'm hoping to work more now my DS is getting older.

@Trickyteens

That's fantastic, I'm glad everything worked out well for you. It's reassuring to hear the success stories.

I feel the same way. I've had people make quite odd assumptions based on me being a young mum and people have often passed quite inaccurate judgments.

I’ll share my story too.

I had DS1 at 19 (he’s that age now) and was a single parent. His dad and I decided to be friends, but it took him many years to step up to fatherhood (and he’s never really had to do any of the hard bits).

I had support from my mum. I went back to university after having DS. I graduated top of my class and went on to a masters and PhD and then a career in academia.

I still get comments that I don’t look old enough to have an X year old. And comments that you’d never think I had been a teenage mother. I don’t care though.

Why did you decide to have the baby, OP? (I don't mean to imply that you shouldn't have, just that not continuing with an unplanned pregnancy is also an option, and one that seems more compelling when a pregnancy is going to interfere with or at least interrupt education, and the parent-to-be is very young.)

I can answer that for my own situation (if you like). I didn’t actually know I was pregnant until I was 6 months gone. I still had monthly bleeds and everything. So termination was not a choice.

But I would never have terminated anyway. It’s just not something I (personally) could choose without (what I’d consider to be) much more compelling reasons than it messing up my life plans. That’s not to sat that I disagree with people who would make different choices at all or that I would question their reasons (I’m pro choice, so I totally recognise and support people’s right to make the choices that are right for them). It’s just not something that I could or would do, unless lives were at risk.

DS’s dad (who was adopted) suggested adoption and I was having none of that. I was really annoyed with him about it at the time. He seemed to assume that it would be some kind of simple thing.

Tbh, having DS was the making of me. I was much more focused and hard working after I had him. I don’t think I’d have achieved as much if I hadn’t been a young, single mother who needed to make everything work.

@crustaceans

I feel similarly, I am much more motivated now to seek higher education and a good career. Before I had DS I feel I wasn't headed in any particular direction, I had completed a diploma in college but felt that I didn't want to pursue it and lost interest. I'm now a lot more focused on what it is I want to do and feel as though having DS was the push I needed to get myself sorted.

@BostonFerl

I am totally pro-choice, but I felt that having a termination would (personally) be more emotionally detrimental than pausing my education to have DS. I felt that I would be able to provide for DS, and trusted (thankfully rightly so far) that DP would stay with me so I think those factors influenced my decision too.

@BostonFerl

Another thing was, I had completed a college course in June and was undecided what path to take afterwards, during this period of indecision was when I found out I was pregnant. Meaning I didn't have to leave education as such.