I lived in a women’s refuge. AMA

[Frith2013]

I lived there for a few months with my children - ask away!

What was the procedure for getting a place there?

I wasn’t allowed to use the phone or computer at home. All post was monitored by my then husband also.

I wrote to the charity who ran the refuge and asked that they sent their reply in a recycled charity envelope (a different charity!) The reply didn’t reach me as the ex must have binned it as junk mail. I wasn’t allowed a key for our post box. I presumed my case was bad enough so they hadn’t replied.

Eventually, I told a HV and she spoke to the refuge then left a message on the desk of the medical centre for me, saying they had tried to write to me and we had a place there whenever we could leave.

It was another 4 months before the ex let me take both children out in the car. I drove a few miles, parked and phoned the refuge. He had really let his guard down that day - it was unheard of for me to be allowed my works mobile outside of work.

Anyway, they said to drive straight there. And I did.

*i presumed my case WASNT bad enough

What did the staff do well and what could they have done better?

How are you doing now?

You must have known it was bad to take that step.
I say that because i was abused physically emotionally verbally and financially and i still didnt go to a refuge. So my question might seem strange. I guess what im asking is that you recognised that what was happening was abuse?
How did you move on?
Did they help you with that?
Did it make your x very angry that you had gone to a refuge? ( and besmirched his character 🙄)

How did you stay away?
What I mean is how did you prevent him from finding and harassing you?
How did you go about finding somewhere else to live and what about the children’s school, did you have to take them out of school?

Also, I put some good kids stuff in the charity collecting bins but would really like to give it to any local refuge. As they are so protected (rightly so) do you know how I could go about donating stuff?

Crosser62 asked the question I was going too. I realise women in a refuge often leave with nothing for them or their kids. I would much rather donate direct to a place like this than a charity shop.
Good luck!

@CrocodileClips I honestly thought there would be staff there 24 hours a day (even if it was just 1 person at night). I got there on a Friday afternoon and they gave me some sheets and said goodbye and reappeared the following Monday!

There weren’t enough staff and they were massively overstretched. I was entitled to one hours childcare per day (a very good play worker) which wasn’t quite enough time to walk into town and see a solicitor/buy food etc.

I think they (rightly) spent time with the other ladies who had very serious problems.

Not being allowed phone, computer etc at home or out with both of the kids sounds absolutely awful! How long did you spend like that?
How long ago was this?

@LoeweHammock It took me 4 years to leave so I had learned it was serious by that point. I told one friend about it who pointed out the Women’s Aid list of abusive
behaviours. Then I told the HV and it sort of snowballed from there.

I chose to go to a refuge because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I hadn’t been allowed to go out or see anyone for 3-4 years by that point. I also knew he would visit/question people so I thought it would be better if people honestly could say they didn’t know where I was!

No one helped me move on - it took years.

@crosser62 I stayed in the refuge and got an occupation order on my house so my ex had to move out. My children were too young for school at that point.

He has never really come to the house since then and has only used official channels to harass me (phoning police, social services, prolonged attempts to get residency of the children etc).

@crosser62 I don’t know how you’d contact a refuge about donations. Mine had a PO Box address (no house number) but of course I know where it is to drop things off!

@Pasgaddi it started subtly but certainly the last 4 years I had to account for every movement and I wasn’t really allowed out in the last year at all. (I was on maternity leave). We’re 10 miles from the nearest town so I couldn’t walk away.

if you can find a contact number for your local refuge it's worth asking them what they need- they are often short of storage space and may be desperate for (eg) kids school uniform but have more bedding than they can use...or vice versa. People are often very generous at Christmas/Eid so maybe don't prioritise those times.
They may have an office or similar where you can drop off. Or your HV may be able to help.

Frith2013, good for you. I wish id been brave enough to the the HV

I'm so glad you got away. How did you feel when you realised he hadn't got your phone and that that could be the day? How old were your children? I know you say you were on maternity leave so the baby didn't have to be told anything, but what did you say to your other child? Did you wait until you'd made the phone call before you said anything?

Could you speak to anyone at work about it? Why couldn't you call WA from work?

I’m glad you are safe OP.

How long has it been since you escaped? I hope that you are reporting every form of harassment to the police.

@HollowTalk I was beyond being able to discuss it with anyone, even over the phone.

@Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda 14 years! The police disinterested from the start.

@HollowTalk my older child was 4. I just said we were going on holiday. We had a lovely time as we got to do all the things we couldn’t do before - walk to watch the trains, have lunch in Ikea, meet up with my friends etc. I’m not sure even now if he’s worked out what our “holiday house” really was.