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Original poster

I adopted a baby at age 25, ask me anything?

51 replies

ViolentGin · 25/04/2019 17:46

I keep seeing these pop up more and more often again and since this is the only remotely interesting/unusual thing about me, I thought I'd give it a go!

My DS is 2.5, my DH and I adopted him a week before his first birthday, and I'm now 27.

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Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 19:28

@trendingorange reading your post has just made me realise that my username is ViolentGin and not VioletGin like I intended Blush

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Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 19:28

Aw thank you goldpaper I promise this thread just makes me sound better than I am Grin I'm a bit shit most of the time!

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beela · 27/04/2019 19:29

Can I ask whether you went through your local authority or whether you chose an independent adoption agency, and why?

NorthernRunner · 27/04/2019 19:37

In your experience OP, would it be viewed as negative if my husband and I looked into adoption, despite having two biological children of our own, and no fertility issues?

Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 19:38

beela we went through our LA, honestly because Voluntary Agencies tend to have the children who their LA's were unable to place, making them "harder to place" children. This would be because they were older or perhaps had more significant needs, and as selfish as it sounds, we were wanting to adopt a child under 2 with as few health conditions as possible.

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Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 19:41

NorthernRunner in my experience, it really would not be bad at all! I think Social Workers appreciate that people with birth children may have had bad experiences that they wouldn't want to repeat (perhaps traumatic pregnancy or child birth) but equally that any couple might have something to offer an adopted child. They would focus quite heavily on the dynamics between your birth children and an adopted child, so you would have to have a plan of how you would prepare your birth children and ensure an adopted child didn't feel like the odd one out whilst not ignoring the fact they are adopted.

A good friend of mine and her husband, both late 30s, had two birth children and adopted their third the same time we did Smile

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NorthernRunner · 27/04/2019 19:43

That’s really lovely to hear, thank you Flowers
All the best for your family Smile

Namechangedcositstime · 27/04/2019 19:50

Thanks for answering. They sounds like great brothers.

Hope all four of you are very happy together.

Parttimewasteoftime · 27/04/2019 20:05

It's something I never could have done I think you are wonderful OP. Enjoy your two boys it really highlights people and families have different paths that brings you together.

HelpAFattieOutHere · 27/04/2019 20:11

What sort of things do they look into background wise? Adoption is something we've discussed as a possibility in the future (we have one child but it would be life threatening for me to have any more). You can't even adopt an animal from the local rescue centre unless you don't work and own your own home, so I can't imagine how difficult it would be to adopt a child!

Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 20:22

HelpAFattieOut it is far easier to adopt a child in my opinion!

They really do look into everything, but they don't expect perfection.

So it's along the lines of:

  1. Tell us about your childhood. What was good that you can replicate as a parent? What was bad, how has this affected you, and what you've learnt from that which will make you a better parent?
  2. Tell us about your education. Did you enjoy school? Did you hate it? If you are academic, how might you cope with a child with learning difficulties or behaviour problems that impact their schooling? If you disliked school, how would you engage with the education system when your child is in it to ensure the best for them?
  3. Tell us about your relationships. Anything you have learnt from them? Do you have a good support network? If you have a child, how are they doing at school? What are their needs? Do you co-parent with an ex? What is their view of you as a parent (SW will take this with a punch of salt!). Whst do your friends have to say about you?
  4. Tell us about your stability. Are you likely to lose your home or have to move around a lot? Do you have a mortgage? Is it affordable when you factor in childcare? How will you cope financially if one of you has to give up work because your child has emerging additional needs at some point? If you rent, is it a long term rental? Is your job stable?

Every question they ask is sensible (if not intrusive!). They don't expect perfection- my husband and I rent and have debts. But we could demonstrate that we could afford a child and that was good enough.

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Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 20:24

I should also add that you are required to undergo a medical assessment by a GP.

My husband has a history of depression and even an attempted suicide in his late teens. Nothing (except criminal behaviour) is deemed as "bad"; my DH was able to demonstrate he would empathise with any mental health issues that might emerge with our child, emphasising the important of seeking help and support as soon as possible etc.

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TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 27/04/2019 20:36

So if you’ve had an abusive childhood yourself, would that count against you for adoption?

Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 20:39

TheAnswer not in itself, no. It all depends on how you have handled it. If you have had therapy, and can demonstrate that you are not hung up on it anymore (I hope that doesn't sound belittling?) then there is no reason a person who had an abusive childhood couldn't be a fantastic parent to a child who has suffered through similar. It really is all about how you have handled it, and SWs are a big big fan of therapy so any therapeutic input a person has had is always a good thing.

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TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 27/04/2019 20:41

Thank you so much for that! It’s something I’ve worried about quite a bit... congratulations on your family, OP, I’m glad it’s working out so beautifully for you!

Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 20:41

Put it this way - I had an idyllic childhood so when my DS is a moody teenager and churns out the inevitable "you have no idea what it's like to be me, what I've been through, how it has affected me" etc, it will be true. I'll do my best but I cannot truly understand it. A parent who has suffered in their own childhood can really emphasise, and is walking talking proof that it will all be ok in the end with the right support.

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Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 20:43

Thank you Smile are you thinking of adopting theanswer?

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MummyofTw0 · 27/04/2019 20:46

You sound like a beautiful person. I wish you and your family the very best for a long and happy and fulfilled life

ThatCurlyGirl · 27/04/2019 20:55

@ViolentGin As someone adopted I just had to say how absolutely lovely you sound, much like my lovely mum who gave me a second chance at life and a forever home.

One of the gorgeous ways she explained my adoption to me when I was smaller was that she is my mummy but before then I had a 'tummy mummy' who looked after me in her tummy but needed someone to help once I arrived so she chose her to be my forever mummy.

Like any families we've had our ups and downs and everything in between, but i feel really lucky and it's because people like you exist!

Thanks
EllieMoon · 27/04/2019 21:10

You sound so level headed and just generally a lovely person. Dh and I have spoken about the possibility of adopting when dc are older and able to have more of a say so I'm reading with interest. Was your dss interviewed? (sorry I'm at a loss for a better word!). Were your families asked questions? I'm trying to gauge how intrusive it is outwith your unit, our families are very widely spread (parents are expats).

HelpAFattieOutHere · 27/04/2019 21:15

Thank you for the info, very helpful! The only thing that I can think we'd fall down on is if they did a credit check on me! (Still recovering that from reckless spending due to depression in my late teens)

Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 21:20

EllieMoon we had to have two references each (one friend, one family member each), plus DSS's mum. Our SW then spoke to DSS's mum on the phone, and spent a few hours at my house in afternoon - in this time she interviewed my mum, my best friend, and then my DSS (supervised by my BIL, who was staying with us for the weekend so she asked him some questions too as he was also a reference). She then spoke to my DHs best friend about a week later when she finally got hold of him!

Her time with DSS was mostly to gauge how well we had prepared him for it, how he felt about it, and how he felt about me and his dad (hence why we couldn't be there!). She has since said how the work we did with him to prepare him was the best she has ever seen, as a senior practitioner Grin she asked him to draw a picture of his family, and he asked her if he was allowed to draw his new little brother or sister Grin she then included this picture in our paperwork for approval panel, and we have the original at home.

It isn't very intrusive though, they will want to speak to a few people but if it is difficult due to location they will be happy to Skype or call. They will want you to have friends or family locally who can support you though ideally, so best to use one of these as a reference too (you cant have too many references!).

MummyofTw0 thank you that is so kind of you to say.

ThatCurlyGirl that is lovely, what a wonderful way to speak about your mum Smile you sound just like the beautifully well-adjusted adult that I dream of my son being!

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TheAnswerIsInABookSomewhere · 27/04/2019 21:22

*ViolentGin

Thank you smile are you thinking of adopting theanswer?*

It’s a very distinct possibility, but not for a few more years yet!

Original poster
ViolentGin · 27/04/2019 21:22

HelpAFattieOut I don't think ours did a credit check, because I don't think I would have been approved if they did!!! Honestly if you can demonstrate that you can afford a child (we had to supply a bank statement each, and our SW advised us to do a month of no spending other than rent and Bill's and absolute essentials, and to supply the statement for that month!) then they don't really mind about debts. It is all about affordability.

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Isohungy · 30/04/2019 10:21

You sound lovely OP. I wish your family the happiest life together Flowers

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