I adopted a baby at age 25, ask me anything?

[ViolentGin]

I keep seeing these pop up more and more often again and since this is the only remotely interesting/unusual thing about me, I thought I'd give it a go!

My DS is 2.5, my DH and I adopted him a week before his first birthday, and I'm now 27.

[user1493413286]

Did you find there were any barriers/extra questioning because of your age? I’m guessing you must have been nearer 24 when you started the process.

[SuziQ10]

Why did you decided to go for adoption and how long did the adoption process take?

[ViolentGin]

We started the process just before I turned 25, and brought him home two weeks before my 26th birthday.

There were definitely no barriers, and I had to answer the same questions every other adopter does (so a nice deep dive into prior relationships and my relationship with my DH), the only thing that could be linked to my age, but would equally be focussed on just as much with anyone else with the same experiences, was why we chose adoption instead of pursuing any other fertility treatment. I suppose at first my SW might have thought we believed adoption to be "easier", but once she got to know us she knew that wasnt the case.

[Farmerswifey12]

Hi OP, does your child have any contact with his birth parents or is it a closed adoption? Was there a particular option you preferred?

[ViolentGin]

Suzi I knew when I met my DH that he couldn't have any more children (he has a son from a previous relationship who was already a miracle baby). We were TTC for six months after we got married knowing it was unlikely, then he had another sperm analysis and confirmed it was not going to happen. We could have opted for IVF with ICSI but I didn't think I could cope with the treatment and, having already patented my DSS who has no biological link to me, having a biological child was not important to us. Adoption made us feel like we were turning a shit situation into something really really positive.

[ViolentGin]

FarmersWife we have letterbox contact once a year where we write to her and she writes back. She has never patented him but had regular contact with him until 10 months when she had her "goodbye contact" and he was being prepared for adoption. We send photos and detailed journals of what we do with him and how he is doing because I cant imagine how she copes with knot knowing otherwise. We met her when he had been with as a month. I have a lot of love for her. He has photos of her and knows her name.

Once he is old enough to make an educated decision, we will support him if he wants to meet her and she will be welcomed into our family too. Until that time, having face to face contact is not something we will encourage for his wellbeing and hers.

[Farmerswifey12]

Thanks for answering.

You sound lovely OP, so understanding x

[ViolentGin]

Aw thank you Farmers. I didn't think I would ever say that until I met her. She was a victim of fucking horrendous parenting herself, I wanted to adopt her too (except she was only a year younger than me!). If we had been swapped at birth, she would have excelled at life and I can see that it would have been very hard for me to swerve away from the choices she made.

[Littlechocola]

No questions but you sound lovely.

[ViolentGin]

Littlechocola that's very kind of you to say. I have far more negative traits, it's just that building a strong relationship with my sons birth mum is only ever going to be beneficial for him, so it (and adoption in general) is something I'm passionate about!

[Isohungy]

What things suprised you after the adoption? And perhaps equally what was just as expected?

[ViolentGin]

Iso the adoption was "perfect" in that the match with our son was very, very right. And he himself was the "perfect baby" - ate well, slept through the night and napped exactly at the right times. He had been with the same foster family since birth, there were no alcohol or drugs during pregnancy, and no health issues to DS. We had been well prepared for how difficult it could be in the long run, but nothing prepared us for just how hard the first month was
We took him away from the only family he had ever known. He had been so perfect because he had never been traumatised. We traumatised him. It was horrific. Once he settled, he turned right back into being a happy, bubbly little boy (who still loves his sleep!).

[trendingorange]

What was the hardest thing about the adoption process?

[ViolentGin]

trending probably accepting that our family wouldn't look like we thought it would (turns out, it does!). The children who need adopting have been removed for a reason, and hearing about the difficulties so many of these children face can be heartbreaking. It makes you really wonder if you can do it!

[ChrisPrattsFace]

You mentioned that you knew your DH could not have children - so were children something that you both always wanted and adoption was an ‘obvious’ choice for you both? (I ask as I couldn’t not see myself doing it, and I have much respect for those that do!)
How have your family reacted to it?

[Bacawill]

As a fellow adopter, I just wanted to say how I felt exactly the same about my children's birth mother.

Mine suffered terribly in her care and initially I was angry. Until we met her and she suffered horrendous abuse and had no support to parent her children at all. She was the most broken person I've ever met and if I could have taken her in to look after I would have (she was only 20 herself). My husband cried his eyes out when we left the meeting. I think of her so often and make sure my contact letter is so detailed so she "knows" that still.

Never met another adopter who felt the same as me, so thanks OP!

[Guardsman18]

Can I ask why he was adopted? Was it what the birth mother wanted?

[ViolentGin]

Chris my DH had told me that he was told he couldn't have children, but then his DS was born, and that his DBro had been told the same (and went on to father four kids!) so I didn't really think anything of it for a long time, but it was always at the back of my mind that it might not go smoothly for us. We didn't really talk about adoption til the time came to really consider it, but it felt right for both of us.

Baca that is lovely, and it will mean the world to your DC. In any other circumstances, me and my sons BM could have been best friends. We share a lot of hobbies and interests and she loves that I will introduce DS to those things!

Guardsman I don't like to go into detail but he was removed from her at birth, she did not want him to be removed and fought it up until he was placed with us, although admitted that deep down she had accepted it a bit sooner than that and knew it was right for him to be with us. Her medical background and lack of any support meant that it was very clear that she would not ever be able to parent him.

[Macandcheese05]

would you adopt another sibling for your 2 boys?

[ViolentGin]

macandcheese absolutely not nothing to do with the process, our family is just very much complete now! We have two very lovely, quite waay boys and I still found adjusting to motherhood so so hard. I was at breaking point in the early days and suffered with anxiety brought on by the changes, so I wouldn't put us all through it again.

[Namechangedcositstime]

Thank you for this thread.

How does your step son enjoy being a big brother and how did both the boys relationship develop?

[trendingorange]

Thanks for answering my question violent.

I meant about the actual process in terms of the intrusion/questioning of your fitness to parent and your normally personal/private life - rather than the circumstances of the adopted child (as they are obviously going to be pretty terrible the majority of the time).

What were the most difficult things that were required of you from the process (before adoption?)

(I'm interested in applying to adopt in the future, but as a single person)

[ViolentGin]

Namechanged my stepson is my DS's favourite person and that is reciprocated most of the time they get on fantastically despite an 8 year age gap, and he is the perfect big brother. We made it clear to DSS from the start that he was never expected to "look after" his brother, and that he was not to feel bad if he wanted to go up to his bedroom and play by himself or read and get some peace and quiet. We keep DS out of his bedroom at all times (unless DSS incites him in, which does happen) so he always has some space away from him if he needs it, and somewhere he can keep his things knowing a toddler wont destroy them. They adore each other though.

trending ah sorry! In all honesty I didn't find the process tough at all. it was nerve wracking, but the process was fine. I enjoyed my sessions with my SW, it was like therapy. The train ing days were fantastic and I've made life long friends with other adopters. It does get frustrating sometimes and I'd find myself thinking "no birth parent ever has to go through this!", but honestly it was fine.

Always feel free to PM me at any point if you want to talk about becoming an adopter!

[ViolentGin]

namechanged sorry, on the second part of the question - the relationship between them was there from the start. We started talking about adoption as soon as we were accepted onto Stage 1 of the application, and once we were into Stage 2 we told him we were doing it. We answered all his questions, read books about adoption, explained what it would mean for him, and that adoption was just another way of joining a family. We told him once we were linked with DS (making it clear that nothing was 100% certain until he moved in!), showed him photos and included him in the introduction materials we made for our DS. He bought DS a Christmas card saying "to my brother" for the week before introductions started
He came with us on Day 4 of intros and it was love at first sight for both of them.

[GoldPaperStars]

No question, but just had to add to all of the PPs that day how lovely you sound! The world could do with many more level headed and caring people like you!